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2 Bumps

No win situation with SO who has NO boundaries with his kids!

My son and my SO's daughter are both graduating from the same school next week. Unfortunately SO's daughter and her sister 20 y/o (and their mom) have decided they can't stand me because their Dad is not available to them 24/7. He had never set any boundaries with them and they have no idea what respect means...they call their parents by their first names, swear at them etc...basically they feel entitled to have their parents due and/or pay for whatever they're requesting. Anyway, now his daughter is demanding that my SO go out to dinner with her and her mother's family after the graduation ceremony. She's doing it as a test, and they are always putting him in a position to chose, where he will clearly lose with one of us every time. (Usually they win). SO just announced that he wants me and my family to all come with them and his ex's family, this way his daughter can't be mad at him, he won't feel guilty for leaving me and in his eyes, makes everyone happy. These girls have been down right mean to me and want nothing to do with me, so, NO I don't want to drag my ex, mother, brothers etc.. out with them just to make him feel better. Plus it's my son's graduation too and I want to enjoy the time with him, not be stressed out with a bunch of people who hate me. I'm just so angry and my SO actually said "well if you could all get along that would make my life so much easier." WHAT?! His lack of boundaries is exactly why there is so much tension. He allows them to bad mouth me as soon as my back is turned...they refuse to come to my house and God forbid I ever get a "thank you" when I go out of my way for them or a "Happy B'Day", nothing. When we are all together they whisper and talk about me, I usually just walk out of the room. SO allows them to talk badly about me and tries to keep his two worlds separate, which is getting tough now that he lives with me. (They now live with their mom) Any good solutions for graduation night? I'm very frustrated and hurt that these girls will not welcome me into their hearts, and it kills me to see how poorly they treat their Dad...but until he puts his foot down, I know this will continue. He's embarrassed about their behavior and tries to ignore it or just not tell me what's going on. I have always had rules and boundaries with me kids so this is all very new to me, not to mention extremely dysfunctional. Sorry, gosh I think I could write a book about it : {

Answer Question
 
soontobestep198

Asked by soontobestep198 at 7:55 PM on May. 23, 2011 in Relationships

Level 4 (43 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • Okay, I am not agreeing with all of the drama, but on HIS child's graduation day he should go out to dinner with her, not your daughter, I think if you just offer it up and don't fight about it, it might go a long way to repair it, I would do a nice brunch or something with you, but he needs to support his daughter on her graduation day (spoiled rotten or not)
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 8:23 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • You can not control another person. It's up to you how you handle your S/O's choices where his kids are concerned. You shouldn't judge his kids too harshly. Parental break-ups are hard for kids and their resentment of you is normal. Let him be with his kid that night and you do something with yours. It would be better in the long run for your relationship if you'd let him decide how to handle his own children sans your input.
    Lexylex

    Answer by Lexylex at 8:23 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • well i see a simple solution to this you have your sons stuff and he goes to his daughters stuff and then later ya'll meet at the house for some you time you don't have to deal with his kids and x and you get time with your son win win he's your SO so give him a night with his daughter this is the most important night of her life next will be college graduation then marriage but it's one moment that should be spent with the parent no matter what!!!! good luck

    traren

    Answer by traren at 8:33 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • Why don't he go out with his kid on that day and you all go out with your kid the next day to avoid conflict. Show you are the better person.It doesn't mean they win. Nothing says you have to celebrate on the day of.
    It's obvious that no boundaries were set at the start of your relationship with him. Seems to me like he gave them their way to shut them up and from guilt of not being able to be with his kids. It happens. Not good but something has to give and it may never. I'm sure inside he is trying to find and figure out a way to mesh this situation. He did give his input and idea. Lots of divorces tend to spoil the kids to the point that the kids don not take to the new person. But if mommy is feeding these kids garbage to go against you then they would explain part of why they don't like you and he probably didn't want to deal with it like most men thinking they will change and stop their nonsense. Hold your head up,
    SnapIt

    Answer by SnapIt at 8:45 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • I would have no problem with my SO going with his daughter on graduation night. She and her Mom's family will most likely ignore him as usual and he doesn't want to be there. But if he doesn't go he knows she will hold it against him for a long time so he will go.

    The other twist is that she had (still may) planned to go out with her boyfriend and his family after the ceremony and SO thinks that she is just causing drama and will change things last minute and he will be left out by her. She has done this before by making him jump through hoops, change his plans for her then she changes her mind and leaves him hanging and it's usually when he and I have plans... There is a lot of manipulation going on and his family is very dramatic with some mental illness making things worse with his ex and older daughter.
    soontobestep198

    Comment by soontobestep198 (original poster) at 9:13 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • Wow your husband is one of those Dad's that allows himself to be a doormat...
    The crap that oh they will not love me if I do not do this or that....

    Doesn't he know that they will never respect him as well...

    You need to put your foot down and forward...I would tell him that I would go no where, be no where and do nothing for them until
    they show you respect...

    And I will tell you this too....I would NEVER be with a man who allows his children to disrespect me....NEVER...

    You, me we are worth more than that....
    Dannee

    Answer by Dannee at 10:22 PM on May. 23, 2011

  • IMO, if they are graduating at the same time, then they all should celebrate together! If they aren't that close, and it's going to be drama then I say plan a blow out with your ds and your family. It's a shame that a family will be split at this happy time, but it really is about the kids that day. Don't let them cause the problems they are trying to create! Nothing would make them happier than to piss you off. Smile and say "congratulations, have a wonderful dinner with your dad" and then take your ds some place extra special! :o)
    Austinsmom35

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 9:41 PM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • I told him that he should absolutely go out to dinner with his daughter and ex. I'm going to be taking my son out with my ex anyway, so it's a wash and everyone is happy and no drama. It's the kids' night, not ours, and we'll meet up later since they'll want to ditch us early for the graduation parties anyway. Hopefully some day we can celebrate these things together. Thanks for the great feed back.
    soontobestep198

    Comment by soontobestep198 (original poster) at 10:46 PM on Jun. 2, 2011

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