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2 Bumps

What would you do?

I need you to put yourself in my position. If your close friend or sibling that you are close with asked you to support them in doing something that you felt was wrong... what would you tell them? Would you consider your belief in the "wrongness" something to stand up for or would you compromise your belief so you do not offend or inure your friend/sibling? I am not giving specifics on purpose to avoid having someone tell me "this is not wrong" or "that is ok, but not this" I dont want opinions on the subject at hand, only on what is more important: conviction or preservation of others feelings.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 3:54 AM on May. 24, 2011 in General Parenting

Answers (11)
  • depends on the situation. ................. very vague question- i would definitely change my answer depending on the situation...

    Answer by gwen20 at 3:58 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • so gwen, what considerations are there? is it about how wrong you feel the action to be? is it about if it affects others negatively? or maybe if it harms anyone? :)

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:03 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • I think it depends on the situation/action, too. If it's something illegal or dangerous,like stealing in some way, then definitely don't do it. You also have to consider what consequences your helping them has on you. At what cost would it be? Generally though, I say don't ever feel obligated to help with something you think is wrong or don't agree with just because they are close to you. You probably wouldn't ask the same of them and helping them enables them. They won't learn from your help. My family has a history of doing this and it has a created a monster in my little sister. She asks them to lie for her or to do her homework for her and they do it thinking that it's what family should do and now that she's older, she is still dependent asking for help. Moreover, she has developed a twisted perception of what to expect from others. Conviction definitely teaches a valuable lesson. Say no, let her develop thicker skin.

    Answer by hellokittykat at 4:07 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • I would not be able to support someone doing something illegal, but just because I dont agree with something that is legal doesnt mean I cnat support my friend sibling in their decision

    Answer by shivasgirl at 4:07 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • you can support someone without believeing they "right" or "Wrong" Like everyone else said it depends on the situation and how strong your convictions are on that issue. If you are pro-life and your friend wants an abortion that would be very different then some other situations.

    Answer by nurse_maya at 4:48 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • I believe you can support someone (respect their rights & autonomy as an individual) without agreeing with them. Just like validating someone doesn't mean agreeing with them (it means really seeing how their thoughts & feelings do make sense--are valid--from their point of view.) It's not about approval or agreement, but about respect & acknowledgment & dignity. Granting freedom (that, frankly, is due them.)
    I also think it is wise to represent yourself in any relationship, by giving honest feedback. If you share your own thoughts & feelings & limits (with anyone, spouse, child, friend, adult sibling, co-worker, neighbor) as "cleanly" & responsibly as possible (sending "I messages" not "you messages") then you are taking yourself seriously & being authentic. It's not about control, but it's not about "permissiveness" either; it's being honest about your view but granting equal dignity to another. You only can control yourself.

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:13 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • My sister does this all the time! She's super judgemental, she just "doesn't get it" about a lot of things basically because she's never had anything bad happen to her! So, she gets into spats with her friends and then runs to me about how they are wrong and she is right. I don't get involved. It pisses her off. But we're still sisters. Her and my Dad got into an epic fight, and eventually, she was right about him, because it bled over into my relationship with my Dad. But if dead bodies were involved, I think I would turn her in, or anyone. I think in this case, you are really asking if it is OK to go along to get along no matter what? It's up to you. Some parents help their children run and others turn them over. It's all about what is the relationship worth to you?

    Answer by dwmom2008 at 10:28 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • you asked: Would you consider your belief in the "wrongness" something to stand up for or would you compromise your belief so you do not offend or injure your friend/sibling?

    So given my previous post in response, I guess my answer would be, Neither. lol I don't have to compromise my belief in order to preserve a relationship, and hopefully my beliefs aren't leading me to stand in judgment of people, anyway. (If something grieves me because to me it's a violation or just seems completely wrong because it's so hurtful, it doesn't imply that I think people engaged in it are "bad" or worthy of my judgment or disgust.)
    The abortion example is a good one. Or an adult sibling asking for support for a decision to marry/stay in an unhealthy situation. Sharing honest feedback is not about convincing/preventing; it's being real about yourself (taking yourself seriously) & simultaneously granting a person the autonomy that's due them.

    Answer by girlwithC at 10:37 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • Yeah, by "support" I assumed you didn't mean going along as an accessory to a crime or something. I thought you were meaning more "do I stand against the action, or do I keep silent about my real thoughts & beliefs for the sake of the relationship?" Not "do I agree to drive a getaway car while she robs this house?" or "Do I write all her papers for this college class she's taking?"

    People can have strong differing beliefs (on homosexuality, on abortion, or heck, even on single parenting---I grew up with a kid who was seriously conflicted about whether or not it was OK to accept that his adult sister was pregnant but not married, or whether he "had" to stand by his beliefs about premarital sex=wrong. Some people might have convictions about the wrongness of a single sibling electing to go to a sperm bank & be a mom, or a gay brother adopting.) You can be authentic w/out trying to control/change; "disapproval" is about control.

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:11 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • see, my sister wants me to be somewhere while she does something that I believe is the wrong thing to do and is unhealthy for her. Should I then refuse to go knowing it will hurt her feelings? see, its a moral issue, not a legal one. but I just cant in good conscience take part in something i feel is wrong. I just am very aware that my family as a whole will be upset that I am "being unsupportive" instead of acknowledging my feelings on the subject. None of them have a problem with it, only me. I just know that every one else will judge me for being "mean and judgemental" --EVEN THOUGH I have no judgement TOWARDS her, just the situation at hand. I love my sister and she makes her own decisions, i would never assume to try to control her or stop her... i just cant say "oh sure, i agree with that completely, here let me go with you and stand next to you yada yada yada" because I feel it is not a good choice.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:08 AM on May. 25, 2011

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