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Sister needs help with relationship issue

I'm attempting to gain a little insight into a situation I am currently witnessing right now and want to help my sister in need because she refuses to really ask anyone for help. I'll set up the situation for you. My sister in this situation is "Jane".

"Bob and Jane are married to one another. They have two children, one of whom is from Jane's previous marriage and whom she has full custody of due to her ex-husband's inability to provide financially and emotionally for the child. However, they have been having relationship issues stemming from Jane's depression from recent events that have gone on with her personally. Gregg, Jane's ex-husband, is seeing a woman by the name of Mary. Mary has been friends with Bob for a long while and introduced her to Jane, his wife. She also has been in contact with Jane's son, Christopher, during visitation and has grown quite fond of the child. The two women get along very well as both men get along. Mary sits down with Jane and helps her with her depression, guiding her through it. After a while, Jane is finally back on her feet and doing very well. Gregg and Mary have a fight and Jane, being Mary's friend, offers for her to stay with her and Bob until she is able to get back on her feet. After a few days, Gregg and Mary reconcile but Mary remains living in the house with Jane and Bob.

The other day, Mary informed Jane that Bob had sent her a text message telling her that he was beginning to have feelings for her but the text message was several weeks old. She also informs her that Bob has been sending her messages, asking her to go out with him. Jane gets upset and asks Mary to what extent the messages have gone. Mary sends a text to Bob, indicating that she and Gregg have gotten into a fight and asks Bob if he would still like to be with her. Bob responds that he would like to. This continues for some time, each message being shown to Jane.

Jane gets in contact with Bob while he is away for work and asks him about the text messages. He owns up to the content of the messages and then informs her that he and Mary were sexually intimate with one another several weeks before. Jane, being Mary's friend, wants to talk to her on the matter calmly and patiently so sends her a text message letting her know that she knows what happened and when Mary wishes to talk to her on the matter, she will be open to speak with her. She also informs Mary that she will not tell Gregg, Mary's boyfriend, about the incident as it was not her place. Bob tells Jane that he is willing to do whatever it takes to make things right with her and she agrees to give him that chance as they had been together for several years without a single incident like this before.

However, Mary, in turn, sends a message to Jane denying anything that happened while sending Bob text messages, berating him for telling Jane what had happened between the two of them. She also informs Bob that she will not jeopardize her relationship with Gregg by telling him about the events that happened between herself and Bob and becomes beligerent, calling Jane profane names and insulting her parenting. Bob shows Jane the text messages and tells Jane that he will no longer be in contact with Mary. At Jane's request, Bob informs Mary that she is not allowed to be at their home and that she is also not permitted to be around her son, Christopher. He also informs her that he will not contact her further, that neither he nor Jane will inform Gregg about what happened, and to have a nice life. Mary responded that it wasn't Jane's decision whether or not she could see Christopher, Jane's son with Gregg, and informed both Bob and Jane that she would continue to visit with the child.

Now, Jane has full custody of Christopher and Gregg only sees Christopher when he calls Jane and requests visitations. He has to go over to Jane's house to see their son and does not know about Mary having cheated on him nor about Mary becoming beligerent with Jane and Bob regarding the cheating issue."

My sister wants to do anything and everything humanly possible to keep "Mary" away from her son and also away from her home. She also wants to work things out with "Bob" and he's been literally doing EVERYTHING she's asked of him to prove that he loves her. (And I do mean everything) They have been married for 5 years and together as a couple for 9 years and this was the first incident of "Bob" ever cheating and his admitted it outright without hiding it. So any advice you ladies would have for her would be appreciated. I just don't want to see her end up in her depression again after she finally came out of it.



Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 11:05 AM on May. 24, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (8)
  • I would say that they have all their bases covered. Until Gregg asks about it, I would keep it to myself. BUT, if he does ask, then I would tell him.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 11:11 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • She should make sure Mary knows without a doubt she has no reason to ever be around Christopher, that a restraining order can be obtained if needed, and honestly, I'm not sure keeping the cheating from Gregg is a good idea. I can totally understand wanting everything back to normal, which probably could have happened if Mary weren't out of her mind, but she has your sister over a barrel and she knows it. This problem will not go away until the truth comes out.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:12 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • Wow. Hey, you're a really good writer.

    In my opinion, as soon as "Mary" finds another guy, she will just fade away. All your sister needs to do is stand firm, keep track of anything Mary does that invades on her privacy and wait.

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 11:16 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • I would suggest when Greg calls for visitation be sure to let him know that Mary is no longer welcome in her (Jane's) home and if he needs to know why, it would be best for him to discuss it with Mary. I personally feel Greg has a right to know. If Mary does not tell Greg at the time she is asked why she is no longer welcome at Jane's house, I (Jane) would tell him. Just be careful as this may cause problems with the two husbands. GL to her

    Answer by sdks2011 at 11:24 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • Yikes! Sounds like a nightmare. There's not really much she can do. If I were her I would feel better if I left that cheating A hole. Good luck!

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 11:47 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • I would make it impossible for her to see the child and then keep it to yourself until Gregg asks questions as to why Mary isn't allowed around her home and child. Because Mary should have told Gregg and not leave that responsibly up to Jane and Bob to do.

    Answer by shelle21 at 11:48 AM on May. 24, 2011

  • Your sister needs to tell her friend that if she insists on pressing the issue or tries to come by the house she will be forced to explain to her ex why she is not allowed. Than wait and see what happens. If she does show up, tell her to leave/ get off your property. Let her know you will call the police for tresspassing... and if necessary do. When her ex asks why, tell him and show him the texts. If you are concerned about your sisters depression, than you need to step in and take the place of her friend. Be there for her and encourage her to get into a support group of some kind.

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 1:02 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • I agree with Ms Gwen, let "Mary" know that if she's pushed, she will reveal to "Greg" why she is not allowed in her home! I also think "Greg" needs to know the truth, and Jane needs to think long and hard about her relationship with "Bob", he was ready to walk off and leave her for "Mary", I wouldn't take that lightly.

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 8:04 PM on Jun. 1, 2011

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