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5 Bumps

How do I overcome the anxiety of my adult step daughter moving back home?

I married my husband 7 years ago. He had been raising his daughter for the past 6 years, her mother left both of them. During those 6 years my husband completely doted on her and lived his life around hers. After 2 years of marriage, I sought out counseling to come to terms with how to be okay with my selfish feelings about being an outsider in the family.I had a great relationship with my stepdaughter but the marriage was always put on the back burner by my husband, cause if DD isn't happy, he has to rescue her and make her happy. When our DD moved on to start her own life, our marriage became FANTASTIC, as did our ADULT relationship with DD. We have grown to whole new levels of love and understanding. However, DD has some living arrangement issues that she brought on herself and will need to find lodging elsewhere. We decided we would pay her rent. Today, hubby came home and said he invited DD to come and live with us for as long as she needs because she was abandoned by her bio mom and he does not want her to feel abandoned ever again. Knowing how my hubby submits to DD I am anxious about DD moving back home and what it will do to all of the work we have put into our new found relationships w/ each other. Hubby and DD agree they will fall back into the "obviously oblivious" relationship. Am trying so hard not be selfish, but tell me I am if you see it that way.


Asked by Wyomingmama at 4:55 PM on May. 24, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 9 (354 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • I'd like to try to make you feel better, but I don't see where anything good can come of that situation. Does you DH know how you feel about it? Ya know, if you truly don't want this to happen, it is your home too. You might tell him something like you are willing to see how it goes, but it can't last longer than XXX amount of time. After that time make sure he knows there are no exceptions.

    Answer by m-avi at 5:37 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • From my perspective, he was wrong in making this decision without speaking to you about it first. I think he is being inconsiderate of your needs and your marriage.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:58 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • You and dh need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Tell him how it makes you feel and tell him what you expect of him.

    Answer by tspillane at 8:27 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • The only thing I can see that would help is to draw up some ground rules about her living with you: Rent, share of utilities, cleaning schedule, parking arrangements, overnight guests, shower schedule, etc...

    Not having an "end date" when she will move out by will certainly create tensions in your family, but if you set a date, you'll at least have something to look forward to!

    Answer by GoodyBrook at 5:57 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • I can see why you would not be looking forward to SD moving back home. I do think the 3 of you should sit down and talk this out, and set up some 'ground rules' and it might also be a good idea to set an approximate time limit as well. I would also make it known that if the rules are broken, or SD is not doing her share to help out, or DH starts catering to SD and coddling her again, then someone will be moving out!

    Answer by MizLee at 1:24 PM on May. 25, 2011

  • Your DH had NO BUSINESS telling the adult stepdaughter that she could move in without your input or say! You do reserve the right to put your foot down and not allow it.

    Answer by purplerobin at 9:29 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • I'm so sorry you are in this position. My dh would have NEVER done something like that without consulting me. Is he always this inconsiderate or is it just with his daughter? I'd tell him fine but we all go to counseling. Sounds like he needs to find out why his allegiance is to her and not his wife. If things go badly I'd seriously think of leaving.

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 1:19 PM on May. 25, 2011

  • I dont do very good with the whole step parent thing cause I have been there and know how "differently: they treat you then there own kids so maybe Im not the one you want to hear from. But if you do then I would say that you should have asked yourself if you could handle another ones child under the same roof before you got married. She will always be his daughter and this is just something you will have to deal with or leave, sry to be so blunt but if you knew what hubby and I have been through w/ step parents then you would totally understand. Luckly for your step daughter, her dad did not marry another women and then forget about her.

    Answer by LANDENSMOMMYlmk at 3:13 PM on May. 25, 2011

  • Just take a day at a time ...

    Answer by tasches at 5:03 PM on May. 25, 2011