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2 Bumps

I'm sick to my stomach for my 22 year old daughter telling that I just don't get it!

She had moved out with her fiance' and then when he dumped her she called me after everyone else, I ran right over and she said he left her because she brings him down and she doesn't want to have kids. I asked her why no kids and she said because of me. She's afraid she's going to follow in my footsteps and make her kids feel bad all the time! What? I make my kids feel that bad that they don't want kids of their own? I'm that bad of a parent? I know I'm a perfectionist and always have a way to fix things, I guess I try to "fix them" all the time and they don't like it? She's in her room crying because I asked her if she was mad at me and she's still not over my meltdown the other night when everyone ganged up on me at dinner and I went off and off and off on everyone. Guess I am a bad parent entering menapause and told everyone f-you! Why? Because I do EVERYTHING for everyone. No one does laundry but me, no one does cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, making lunches, etc. BUT ME! (that was part of my meltdown)

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Asked by marihand at 6:36 PM on May. 24, 2011 in Relationships

Level 7 (159 Credits)
Answers (11)
  • hugs


    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 6:38 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • ((((HUGS)))) I know how you feel not taking it anymore from them over here either do and do and get nothing.

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 6:39 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • May i offer a suggestion? I'm 23 and I have this same issue with my mom. She seems to think that she can "fix" any problems I have. I don't mind the help, but I do get bothered when it's a constant thing. She usually has a comment for things when they're not asked for. I do, however, appreciate what she's done for me, BUT, when I moved out, I found myself not being able to really know how to do simple household tasks because she always did them for me. In the past few years, my mom has been doing more things for herself. She's been getting out more, watching what SHE wants and not what everyone else wants, and she seems much happier and not so nosey or pushy. Sometimes the more you do for your children can actually backfire, as absurd as that sounds lol. I'm sure your daughter appreciates you but maybe she just wants some extra space. Ask her how she's feeling instead of "Are you mad at me". It's a start anyway. Good luck!

    Answer by DJsMommy610 at 6:42 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • This sounds familiar with my Mom & sister (but they've got much better now). I guess she's just hurting & is wanting to take EVERYTHING out on you (my sister would do that & would 'look' for someone to fight with but because I would just ignore her, my Mom was the next target & she couldn't just ignore my sister) Basically my sister knew what would push my Mom's buttons. I think you were right in standing up for yourself.
    Anyway, LOTS OF HUGS & TRY not to let it bring you down - tomorrow is another day:)

    Answer by Ellie15 at 6:44 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • I'm sure that once she is really out on her own your relationship will begin to heal. That's what happened with my mother and me. I never wanted to have children because I didn't want to become her either. If your daughter meets the right man and he wants children she'll most likely change her mind and have them. It'll all be alright.

    Answer by Octobersmom at 6:50 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • Oh mama. :( Ahhhhhh! Hugs.

    Some young adults in their early twenties and still in a "teenage" state of development. It is happening more and more these days. Your daughter's behavior is strictly a stage. That does not mean you need to take it, though, so good for you for defending yourself.

    I have a brother in his 30's who is still like that. Never grew up. Blames my mom for everything. It is maddening.

    I think DJ's mommy has some great advice. If you want to help her through this stage, some tough love may be in order to nudge her in the direction of the adult world. It will really be in her best interest . . . . even if she does put up a fit.

    Answer by ImaginationMama at 6:52 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • hugsgood luck


    Answer by mamawilbur at 7:03 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • Sorry but it sounds like you didn't teach them the things they wanted to learn like how to be responsible adults. You can't keep doing everything for everyone and think they appreciate it. You cheated them out of experiences they should have had. That was just selfish.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:21 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • I went back to her and asked her what it is that is so bad about me that I have to change and she said she didn't want to talk about it right now. That I would just get mad and walk out of the room. She has to think about it and talk to me later. I'll let you know what the problem is. She tells me that her younger 12 year old sister is miserable, but I'm not seeing it. Maybe I'm blind? She acts like I'm the worst person in the world and all I want is a relationship with her unlike the one I had with my mom. I grew up with 5 siblings and my 2 oldest sisters moved out when I was young so I was stuck growing up with my 3 brothers picking on me all the time. Torture was more like it! (kidding) But with 6 kids, my parents didn't give individual attention. My parents never told us they loved us. Just one of those kinds of families. I'm trying to break that mold. I tell my kids I love them & I spend time with them.

    Comment by marihand (original poster) at 7:51 PM on May. 24, 2011

  • Ok, let her cool off and give her time and when she's ready, she'll come to you. Try to avoid questions like "why are you mad at ME", "what's so bad about ME", "what did i ever do that's so horrible" etc. She might feel like your focus is more on you than what her concerns are and might feel like you're not really listening. Try to be open minded and really listen to what she's saying and how it makes her feel and have her offer suggestions to you on things you could do differently. Good luck!

    Answer by DJsMommy610 at 8:44 PM on May. 24, 2011

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