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How to handle rude "ex" family members

My husband and I have been married for 16 years, yes, I was the "other woman" not proud of it, but only willing to accept blame for MY part in the break up of their marriage, not everyone elses. My ex's family and I get along great, we see each other, my current husband an dI have borrowed my ex sister-in-law's condo on the beach. On the other hand DH's "ex-family" makes it a point to exclude me. When my stepson was married I wasn't allowed to attend the rehearsal dinner, that I helped pay for! Several years ago he received a wedding invitation to one of his ex family, the invitation was to him only. It angered me but I let it ride, purchased a beautiful and expensive gift and sent it with both our names on the card. The thank you note, when it came was addressed only to DH.

DH went to the wedding, which was out of state.
So today he receives another invitation to one of that family's weddings, again it is addressed only to him. The inner envelope is to Doug and guest.
I understand that I will always be the other woman, but how rude is it to invite one half of a happily married couple to an out of state event and not invite the other? And to expect a gift, which under normal circumstances is purchased from a joint account.
I understand I'm a little touchy, but how you all react?

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kcsmom932

Asked by kcsmom932 at 1:45 AM on May. 25, 2011 in Relationships

Level 4 (39 Credits)
Answers (8)
  • i think you and hubby need to have nice long talk. he needs to let the x family know, invites are to both of you or not at all. they dont need to like you but they need to act like grownups. best of luck.
    shanesmom24

    Answer by shanesmom24 at 1:52 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • Its a situation I am not in so its really hard to know how I would feel. I think seeing it was "the other woman" situation it was quite likely messy and I am sure it may be hard for his family to let go of that and embrace you, I dont think I would ever expect them too if I was in that situation. I know its been a long time but for some its hard to move on, I guess I would try to put myself in the original wifes position and if you found out your husband had another woman now, would you expect your family to in time embrace her?? When families are hurt somtimes it never heals, I guess it depends how things were handled also.

    By the way I dont think there is such a thing as "ex-family" if your family, your family because a marriage breaks up does not make anyone ex family................I have never heard that term before.........it really struck me.
    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 1:56 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • Even though it may hurt your feelings & anger you I don't think you can expect anything different. There is always risk involved when seeing someone who is married. Sometimes our choices affect us for the rest of our life. I am not trying to say you are a horrible person but I look at it that there are plenty of single men. No matter is happening in someone's marriage we will never know the entire truth so why even take the chance. As a woman I would not want someone to do that to me. If this has been going on for years you just have to accept it that it's their right to not want you at things. You can't force someone to like or respect you. You run a greater risk if you push for it. To them it may be more fuel to the fire.

    Also my Dad had an affair & married the woman. It devastated our entire family & tore it apart. I would have respected him more if he would have just divorced her & then moved on.
    Amysan2

    Answer by Amysan2 at 4:39 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • I agree with the previous posters. It's very difficult to fathom what the ex-family members are feeling or if they're still hurting after all these years. But I also believe that this is something your husband should have handled years ago. If the message he gave was that it was ok to exclude you from such events then you can see why the "ex-family" stills continue to do so.I think you should discuss this with dh and let him know how you feel, but remember, if he hasn't paved the way for you all this time it probably will be very hard to change things now.
    MyrMar

    Answer by MyrMar at 6:11 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • I'm with the others, how much respect do you expect, even after 16 years, when you said yourself you were the other woman? My big question, though, is WHY is he still getting invitations to ex's family events? And WHY would he go? Is he still really close to the rest of that family?
    cheez1e

    Answer by cheez1e at 9:32 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • In answer to some of the comments, yes they still feel a connection, as one respondent said, you are never ex-family.
    Let me also add that the "children" of these marriages are all adults ranging from 30 to 40 years old.
    I guess I'm just spoiled by the niche that we have carved out amongst the "injured" parties. My ex husband and I and his wife, whom he saw for several years before we divorced, are cordial. We talk on the phone at times and keep in touch. I have no ill feelings towards his current wife as long as she treats my children well, which she has. They married about three months after my divorce was final.
    After 19 years of being divorced my husband's ex and he seem to get along well. We have been to her home for dinner for their children and have spent holidays together. She lives with a man, and has for longer than DH and I have been married. She does this to keep from losing her alimony.
    kcsmom932

    Comment by kcsmom932 (original poster) at 11:47 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • to continue; I understand that I will always be held distant from his family for being the other woman, I have always admitted and accepted my share of the blame for the breakup of both marriages. However, I was not the only one involved there four people in those marriages and I don't think I should be expected to take the blame for everyone.
    I just expect to be treated with civility and find it hard to understand why after all these years her extended is so terribly rude. When the ex-wife's mother died I sent flowers with both our names on the card, however, I did not attend the funeral, nor did I go to visitation. Had I ever been invited to any of these functions I doubt that I would have attended, but to invite my husband to a family reunion and NOT invite me? When my first husband's sister invites me to functions, DH is always invited, I guess I just expect to be treated the same way.
    kcsmom932

    Comment by kcsmom932 (original poster) at 11:56 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • I find what they are doing to you to be disrespectful. But honestly, your dh going without you is far more disrespectful!! Barring his ds's and other children's weddings, he should never attend another "family" wedding without you again. It always blows my mind how the woman in an affair always gets more blame than the man who made the vows.
    Austinsmom35

    Answer by Austinsmom35 at 10:07 AM on May. 31, 2011

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