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Adoption depression still here after 9 months???

im a birth mom of a 4 yr old boy that lives w me n a 9 mth old chubby butt that lives w her adoptive mom n i still feel like life isnt worth it...ill admit it that ive thought about driving into a pole to end this pain...or take her back but shes been w her new fam since birth...i think it might b easier if her mom wouldnt eyeball me everytime i go to hold her like ima run...it hurts...n its getting harder...n if ure wondering about her birth father, he was an abusive fucker who thinks i had a miscarriage...but still...help...please...help...

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Dreamer81484

Asked by Dreamer81484 at 2:01 AM on May. 25, 2011 in Adoption

Level 3 (26 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • Oh gosh, I dont know what to tell you, sounds like a really tough situation. If you went through a legal adoption there is no such thing as just being able to take her back, its not that simple. How often do you see her? Is it an open adoption or is this someone you know that you handed your rights over to?
    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 2:04 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • its an open adoption and i get to see her whenever they said makes it hard n easy at the same time...i want to take her back but i gave her up for a few reasons, one being money...so i cnt ever get my baby bk...n its all legal
    Dreamer81484

    Comment by Dreamer81484 (original poster) at 2:09 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • Well if its a legal adoption you would have to go to court and I am sure it would be a very long process in which there is a big chance that you would not get custody back. They are very generous to let you see her whenever you want, you are very blessed, most open adoptions I know of the birth mother gets 1-2 visits a year. I think if you see her all the time in the long run that would make it harder for everyone in the situation and maybe thats why your having trouble with it.
    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 2:13 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • ya, i wouldnt b able to take her bk even if they gave her bk...n ya my aunt its as of she died in my heart...i told her mom that the only way id give her up is for an open adoption...ive maybe seen her 4 times isnce birth, but thats cuz i never call....i love her so much but i cant get in between her n her new fam...i even had them hold her first after labor
    Dreamer81484

    Comment by Dreamer81484 (original poster) at 2:20 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • I would seek some couseling. The chances of you getting her back are slim to none. It has been 9 months which is longer than almost every mind changing period that states offer.

    Not to mention your baby is 9 months old so she has bonded and feels secure with her parents at this point. I cant even imagine the devestation to the baby and the parents even if it was possible.

    Couseling seems like the best plan for you!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:23 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • you need to find a support group. i cant imagine what you are going through, but you should talk with others that are in your situation. a great counselor can try to help you cope also. i wish you the best.
    shanesmom24

    Answer by shanesmom24 at 2:42 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • Of course it hurts and you are grieving. Perhaps the mom "eyeballs" you because she knows how much you love that baby and how much you're hurting and she really doesn't know how to help you. You might try contacting an adoptee rights group in your area as they generally have support groups and could likely put you in touch with a group for birth moms. In the meantime, try to look at the positives: she has a wonderful family that loves her; You get to see and spend time with her and you did what was best for her and what you were able to do to ensure she has everything you want for her.
    meriana

    Answer by meriana at 7:54 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • Placing a child for adoption can be and is very hard for many of us birth mothers, you're not alone in the way you feel. As a birth mother myself I struggle a lot with the my son's adoption, and he is 19 yrs old. For me the pain got worse not better, and I've heard this from several other mothers as well. I think that you are recognizing your grief now, and in away that is probably good because you can get the help you need to learn to cope as time goes on. I'd suggest counseling, by someone who knows and understands adoption grief or a support group, (not affiliated with an agency). You did what you probably thought was best at the time, I can only imagine how it must feel to see your daughter but then leave again, it probably feels like you are lossing her every time. I didn't have the opportunity to ever see my son, after the adoption and by the age of 12 they stopped all communication. Cont...
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 10:36 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • I feel an emptiness for the child I do not know, I miss him, I love him and the pain can be unbearable at times. There was a time when I felt the same way as you, I wanted to drive into oncoming traffic to end my life, I wanted to take an entire bottle of sleeping pills and never wake up...my depression became severe by the time my son was 14. I got counseling and I've learned to cope on the hard days, I think going through the stages of grief is important and finding someone to help you through that would be beneficial. Try to remember that while it hurts and the pain is there, it is beneficial that your daughter knows you and her sister. It won't be easy but stay in touch, don't walk away. In the long run this will be the best thing you can give your children. Talk to other birth mothers for support (we've been there). Don't give up your children need you! ((HUGS))
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 10:42 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • OP., I am so sorry you are feeling this depressive pain,so HUGS! It is of the utmost importence to get help with a good therapist, IF you are indeed feeling a need to "end it'. I like blesssed agree, many times it does not get better, for alot of First/Natural Moms, how can it, we are Moms without our child. You have no control of her Mom 'eyeballing' you, this is a sign of insecurity even though she has adopted "your" daughter and cannot lose her, she is feeling insecure, and scared. This I have read many times and is as normal as your feelings of depression,IMHO! I seriously have NO memory of the first 2 yrs after surrendering my twin sons, and it has been 25 yrs. Will I ever get those memories back? I dunno , but do know that it is a way of protecting myself . I gauge those 2 yrs, only by what my oldest son has told me. It (pain) will never leave you fully, how can it, you are a Mom with empty arms, IF you cannot..
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 11:15 AM on May. 25, 2011

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