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5 Bumps

What to do when the ex's new girlfriend stays overnight with our 4 yr old?

I am recently divorced and by accident I found out my ex has a new woman who stays over night while my 4 yr old is there. He told my dad they go in daddys room to talk at night and that she is there for breakfast. I have a boyfriend with a 4 and 7 yr old and we do not feel it is appropriate at all fo me to spend the night when he has them.
I know I have no legal rights in the matter and my ex is an extreme jerk who does not think of our son's emotional well-being. Any suggestions, even for what to tell me son when he metions it?

I just want to add to this question that there are not hard feelings towards this woman. In fact I am very happy with my new relationship and was hoping my ex would meet someone to take the pressure off of me. My concern stems from the child psychologist that we went to see on how to proceed with this divorce for our son's best interest and from the Co-Parenting class we both took that highly discouraged overnight dates so soon for several psychological reasons for a child his age to have to deal with along with the trauma of divorce. What if she doesn't last and he loses yet another person in his life?


Asked by kdwiegandt at 10:59 AM on May. 25, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Level 20 (9,555 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (31)
  • first of all some of these comments are a little harsh. its a very difficult thing going through divorce and when one parent doesnt put the childs best interest first, its horrible. my ex threw the girlfriend in my kids faces 2 weeks after i left. their counselor said that it was very inappropriate. kids that small need dad right now not new mom. kids need time to adjust. and if this gf doesnt stay then what? another new mom in 2 weeks? adults need to think about the kids first! go to court and have it so she cant do sleepovers. im sure your ex doesnt have your child every weekend so she can stay over then. when my husband and i were dating we didnt do sleepovers while the kids were home. we waited until we were married and then moved in together and had sleepovers! having children sometimes means putting parents needs last.

    Answer by mykidsmom86 at 11:28 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • Is it possible to request mediation so you and your ex can discuss this situation and come to an agreement. I do understand your concern. It doesn't sound like your saying he cannot have a relationship, or even that you don't want him to, just simply that at this point in the process you do not think it appropriate for your son to be witnessing overnight "sleepovers" with the new girlfriend. and your concern of him bonding with her, and then something happening and her not being in his life.

    I think you have some valid concerns. Not sure why people are freaking out on you.

    Answer by daughteroftruth at 12:20 PM on May. 25, 2011

  • yes you do have rights!!! You can have a visitation agreement made that no one of the opposite sex can stay over at night while the child is there!! Believe me my dh's ex did that to us! Get your papers girl..

    Answer by jorjiegirl at 11:03 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • For me, this is the kind of thing I would include in our parenting plan when we split up, if possible. (I am separated and we don't yet have a parenting plan on paper - we are working on it now. I know it is not always possible for exes to collaborate on a parenting plan).

    Answer by FelipesMom at 11:13 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • Many years ago, I was that woman staying overnight. Bio-mom hated me, too. But my future husband and I never engaged in any type of over-the-top affection in front of the kids. I was merely dad's gf. The kids had more problems with their mom making out with her boyfriend of the week on the couch than they did with me being there to make breakfast. My husband was and is a lousy cook.

    I understand the pain and hurt...but if they aren't doing anything harmful, you are going to have to let it go. If she turns out to be stepmom, you are going to have to cope.

    Answer by blu_canary at 11:06 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • Okay I don't get this. Why should your ex stop having a social life just because you two aren't together anymore and he has your son at his place? I mean...does it seem like it bothers your son? All he says is that she stays over and has breakfast with them. As long as they're not having sex while he's still awake I don't see a problem with your ex moving on with his life. Adults still need adult time whether they're a married couple or a single dating parent. That's just part of life.

    Answer by Imogine at 11:16 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • I can see your point but lets turn it around, mom's boyfriend spends the night and the kids tell dad. Most people would be pissed but if dad does it it's ok.......

    Answer by JLS2388 at 11:20 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • I think it's more of a problem for you than your son. It's really not a big deal. I went through it, threw the same fit you are and played the "it's because my kid is there" card, but you know deep down it's not hurting anything. your just pissed at him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:26 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • OMG. This is why I don't come to CafeMom that often. Yes, THIS is what is wrong with our society.

    How about the divorces in the first place?
    How about an education system that doesn't always work?
    How about a government system that seems so broken in so many places that maybe starting over with no agendas would be a good idea?

    No, it's gfs and bfs staying the night that are the root of all evil.

    This place is rife with uneducated drama queens.


    Answer by blu_canary at 11:48 AM on May. 25, 2011

  • this is what is wrong with our society today!!! all these people on here thinking that this is appropriate behavior!! and then they will wonder why our children are sexually active at 10 and turning to drugs because they cant deal with the emotional problems situations like these set up for them! it isnt that the dad cant have a gf but sleepovers are not appropriate when a 4 year old is there

    Okay. Normal adult behavior is not the reason kidsare sexually active at a young age. NOT EDUCATING THEM ON THE SUBJECT PROPERLY IS!!!! Instead of trying to protect them from the facts of life, you should be teaching them what it is and try your best to teach them when having sex is appropriate and when it's not. You cannot blame a grown man having consensual sex with his girlfriend for kids having sex at a young age. If his son ends up having sex at a young age, it's because he wasn't properly taught about sex.

    Answer by Imogine at 3:04 PM on May. 25, 2011