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How do you make custody work if the father will not cooperate?

I am going through custody battles with my daughter's father. She is 22 months old and so far my lawyer, the Guardian from court, family and friends have all noted that he clearly is not ready to be a father. He complicates every situation to some degree, makes false accusations, puts forth enough parenting time to say/show he is a loving father, and to top it off he involves his current girlfriend/fiancée (on and off engagement) who has 2 kids of her own by playing mind games between the two of us. He is hurtful in his actions or lack there of at times in a way that comes off as a personal attack on me. He seems to be very angry with me for a reason I am still trying to figure out. I do not know how to get the childish games that are being played to stop. It is costing me money, time and slowly my sanity. How do you get someone to stop the hateful games and focus on the child and her needs from us as parents?
I have already taken the steps of legal action and as anyone who has done or is currently experiencing the court system, these things take time. Especially when the other party consistently continues the cases. (yes, caseS) I need help on how to properly handle the time in between each court hearing. I need to follow court order, maintain a positive attitude, always be the better person and so on. At the same time I am a human-being, a woman, and a single mother...I can only hold the plastic smile for so long and take so much.

Answer Question
 
BeanandBea

Asked by BeanandBea at 11:06 PM on May. 25, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 2 (8 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • If you child is not in any danger she does have to her other parent by law, but wait it out in the court system, until you can get something changed but for now go with it you have no choice, as long as she is willing to go and is happy.
    kysmom091

    Answer by kysmom091 at 11:12 PM on May. 25, 2011

  • I don't have a answer for you, but I can say you aren't going to get him to grow up he has to do that for himself. I do know it is a long when dealing with family court. I wish you all the luck in the world and leave you with this advice....never take no for an answer and sometimes you have to be a asshole to get the out come you want.
    EJKZ

    Answer by EJKZ at 11:18 PM on May. 25, 2011

  • it's all according on what state you are in. it's crazy I know that you have to be the one to jump through the hoops but I'm very sorry to say it's just what you have to do try to get the judge to tighten up on visitation but remember you've got to deal with him for 17 -22 more years longer if she wants both of you in her life!!! so try to talk to him and well just keep it between ya'll it's easier that way I hate it when my SD's bm tries to put me in the middle!!!

    traren

    Answer by traren at 11:23 PM on May. 25, 2011

  • I have been through 2 divorces that involve children and all I know is The first year or two is definately the hardest!!! My first ex stole the baby from my mom while I was at work - And I was nursing at the time!!!. Men are bitter the first year or two and use the kids against you sometimes. After a while hopefully you will be able to work things out and eventually he may even grow up. But I know it is hard. Just try and be the better person and reason with him that he should not hurt the kids by playing these games. Actually when my ex got re-married the new wife was on my side most of the time and It hellped me in the long run.
    amon333

    Answer by amon333 at 11:32 PM on May. 25, 2011

  • Thanks for all the helpful tips. I can say the generalized answer of just dealing with it and doing my best is exactly what I have been doing. It is coming to a point where I feel that it just doesnt work and I am continuing to bang my head against the wall..and expecting different results. The answer from AMON333, I have to say that was the best I have heard so far. No one has mentioned that the first year or 2 is the worst because the men are still pretty much experiencing their postpartum. I feel a little better about the situation knowing that this too shall pass in a way that has not been described to me before. I have tried to explain to him that the games can hurt the baby more than he thinks. I think I am going to try a different tone and reasoning approach this time. I wish his new interest was respectful and could see it as a best interest to be on my side if her goal is to be the stepmother in the end.
    BeanandBea

    Comment by BeanandBea (original poster) at 12:04 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • I feel your pain I am in a very similar boat it seems. What i have had my lawyer do if to assign or ask the judge to assign a Parental Consultant who will work for your child best interest first, They will resolve issues and a situation to situaltion basis that the courts cacnnot or will not do. In my case she can make the determinations about visitation schedules, holiday times, parenting plans, etc. It's something worth looking into at least. Good luck to you and stay strong. You've made it this far!
    kdwiegandt

    Answer by kdwiegandt at 12:09 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • @ KDWIEGANDT - what exactly is a Parental Consultant? Is that the same thing as a court appointed Guardian? We were appointed one for our daughter and he his not very helpful. He is difficult to reach at times, does not listen to my concerns or questions to a point to produce an answer thats worth any assistance. He just made a house visit yesterday stating we had things to review and discuss and the only thing that happened was he read through my notes Ive documented over the last few months and asked some questions.

    Is the Parental Consultant a person who advises in addition to the Guardian?
    BeanandBea

    Comment by BeanandBea (original poster) at 12:19 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • You need to let go of the idea that the guy needs to be in yours childs picture..he does not care and the more he lives his life the more he will ignore the child. just move on and find someone else who can step up to the plate and be a real father figure.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:47 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • He needs to cooperate for things to works. The best parents are those who are on the same parenting page no matter what their relationship is with each other. Our county offers family mediation - where all parties get together and hash things out with the help of a trained mediator. It's a very low cost option as the county pays for most/all of it. They try to get things resolved in a long day - no continuances.

    JSD24

    Answer by JSD24 at 9:27 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • If tha appointed guardian isn't working for your dd best interest maybe you could talk to your lawer about getting a new one. I believe they are the same. To answer your question.
    EJKZ

    Answer by EJKZ at 1:20 PM on May. 26, 2011

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