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Is it too much to ask that my SO doesn't drink when we go out?

Ok. We go out every month or so. Because I can never find anything that he seems interested in I end up doing what he wants. Give and take right? So. when we go to a bar, club, casino, dancing, cards or sporting event he drinks. Not a lot. Never drunk, just tipsy. I don't drink often. Most drinks cause me to be depressed, antisocial and argumentative but if I push at it I become happy and social. A little more and I have functional blackouts. I can have coherent conversations, drive-whatever, but I have absolutely no recall. None. So unless I have someone at my side that is sober I only drink at home. Which I haven't done since before I was pregnant. (SO has never seen me like this. I learned my lesson early on and my two friends have told him stories about what we did when I was in that state.)  Thing is it takes me a while to get to "happy & social" 6 to 8 drinks. SO doesn't seem to understand this and since he isn't a lightweight, he feels that he can have a drink or two so he can deal with me while I'm getting there. Having him drink while I am makes me uncomfortable.
But if I don't drink he does and he gets offended when I suggest that we both don't imbibe. He doesn't see it as a big deal. I feel like I'm being excluded as I cannot join in and being shy it is difficult for me to just start a conversation.
We do have fun when neither of us are drinking, so I don't know why he's having such an issue with this.
Or is it me with the issue? If this is a case where I just need to shut my mouth and deal let me know.

Answer Question

Asked by elizabooks at 11:44 PM on May. 25, 2011 in Relationships

Level 15 (1,946 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • As long as you're both being responsible I think you should respect eachother's decisions to drink or not. My DH doesn't drink and I would never try to push him to. At the same time if we go out and I want a drink or 2 he could care less. It works out great anyway because unless you have a designated driver, you shouldn't both be drinking anyway.

    Answer by Ashes0813 at 3:20 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • I guess I just don't feel safe being out with someone who needs to have a drink to relax.

    Comment by elizabooks (original poster) at 8:23 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • I think you are the one with the drinking problem. You obviously recognize this. Tell everyone you are the designated driver so you don't have to drink. Let him if he can control it as you said. You feel left out because that is part of a disease called alcoholism. You don't have to drink to be an alcoholic. I don't recommend that you go to any bar if you can't do it without drinking. Ask your hubby for his support and go to an AA meeting to learn about the symptoms of this disorder. If it turns out that you are not an alcoholic, than atleast you will leave the meeting an educated woman.

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 10:32 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • MsGwen: If by drinking problem you mean I don't like the taste of the drinks and have realized my tolerance and reactions over 6 occurrences in the 15 years since I turned 21 then yes I have a drinking problem. I've been the Designated driver many times BUT it is no fun to be the one "mommying" the others. Making sure they are safe, have eaten enough, recalling each drink they have had to make sure they are not over doing it and then taking them home and making sure that they are safe and have enough fluids so that they are not sick the next morning. It is no fun and I would like to go out and socialize as well, but no one really talks to the DD & when they do, well they are too drunk to have a good conversation with. The amount of care that you have to do even prevents me from being able to play darts.
    I feel left out because I am left out. No one talks to me, hangs around me anything. ----

    Comment by elizabooks (original poster) at 4:23 PM on May. 26, 2011

  • ----who wouldn't feel left out if you cannot hear anyone due to the noise, and even when your SO thinks you look too depressed/pissed to want to talk to. I haven't had a drink since new years and that was sip of brandy after we doused the curtains that had caught on fire. (bored 8yr old, & a space heater equals fire.)
    SO thinks I just need to find a drink I like so that I can relax & unwind enough to be social. He doesn't seem to understand that when I socialize be it in a club, a bar, a resturant, a church function, a faire, or whatever I want to make sure I am safe and that even if I'm not drinking I don't feel safe when he does. (He is not abusive, but honestly if something goes wrong how alert can he be if he has had a few?). That is what I am trying to figure out: Is this attitude overreacting?

    Comment by elizabooks (original poster) at 4:32 PM on May. 26, 2011

  • In the original post it seemed like he was drinking responsibly as in just a few when you two went out. If he's getting to a point he wouldn't be able to respond if something bad happened, then I understand where you're coming from. There's a difference between hanging around someone who had a few with dinner comared to someone who needs to you mommy them and make sure they don't do something stupid. I'd hate to be put in that situation. No one wants to play mommy to people who can't drink like an adult and know their own limits. You obviously know your limits, so don't drink to be social or because someone else wants you to.. really that's just not right. In this situation it would be fair to ask him to drink more responsibly, respect your decisions to drink or not, and that you will not go out with him if he's going to be disrespectful or ignore you.

    Answer by Ashes0813 at 9:33 PM on May. 26, 2011

  • If he's having a few drinks then I don't see the big deal. If he's getting wasted that's another thing entirely. I'm a friendly drunk and I don't do it often, but honestly if you feel the need to mommy the others that's kind of your own fault. If that's how you were around me I'd get irritated pretty quickly, they're all adults and of legal drinking age. If they choose to drink to much or be stupid then, as long as their actions aren't going to hurt themselves or anyone else, let them be. You don't need to make sure they've eaten or anything like that.

    Honestly, it sounds like your making yourself miserable.

    Answer by miss_lisa at 9:39 PM on May. 26, 2011

  • miss-lisa: I 'm just doing what I was told to do when I first started going out at 21. I was told that the designated driver is the adult and has to take care of those who are out drinking. When I was 22 I was the DD and I let a friend go off w/ someone while they were both drunk. She screamed at me later for it, because "Even though I wanted to have sex, YOU are the DD and are to make sure I don't have it with strangers. Why the hell did you let me drink all of that?" She was 25 and I had no idea what the rules are so now I just take my cues from the ones that I am out with. And they seem to want the silent mommy routine.
    Honestly I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who knows their own limits and sticks with them. It seems that maybe if we stop being the DD then people would pay attention to themselves...


    Comment by elizabooks (original poster) at 9:56 PM on May. 26, 2011

  • Ashes0813: I think he is being responsible. The problem is I have been attacked before and have even had to leave by the kitchen door to get away from some guys. I am very nervous in crowds. So while he may be able to handle things if it happens again, it hasn't for a long while and he hasn't gotten a chance to show me that a few drinks won't cloud his judgment/ability.
    Looks like I'm going back to the therapist

    Comment by elizabooks (original poster) at 9:59 PM on May. 26, 2011

  • I was told that the designated driver is the adult and has to take care of those who are out drinking.


    Whoever told you that is wrong. Being the designated driver means you make sure no one drives or does anything reckless. It doesn't mean you make sure they drink enough water to prevent a hangover or make sure they eat so they don't get sick. These are grown people who, even drunk, need to know to take care of themselves. YOU have no responsibility to make sure they are taken care of. If they make stupid choices while they're wasted and regret them that is NOT your fault and if they want to scream at you, all you have to say is "I'm not your mother and it's not my responsibility to make sure your not a dumbass because you drank to much". Seriously, if this is how your friends are you need new friends. No wonder your miserable, they suck.

    Answer by miss_lisa at 10:12 PM on May. 26, 2011

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