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Birthmother and gifts

So, I need help. Ok, we have a birthmother who, decided she didn't have the money to parent and she, on her own free will, relinquished her child. Well, she buys them EXPENSIVE items, named brand clothing, high priced shoes (this is an infant), etc.

Is this okay? As the Ap, I feel odd and uncomfortable about all of the lavish gifts. A gift or 2 for birthdays or holidays is fine. But if she relinquished because she couldn't handle the financial burden, why is she buying these extremely expensive things every week or so? I feel like she is trying to support him as one would do in child support...we don't need support, he has everything he needs.
We don't want to hurt her feelings by declining.
What should we do?


Asked by Anonymous at 6:46 PM on Dec. 8, 2008 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (20)
  • I think it's awesome that you allow her to send gifts. My daughter's a-parents told me to cease after only sending her some stuff for her first birthday(one of which her big sis bought her with her allowance money). I would suggest narrowing the gifting down to birthdays and major holidays. I hope it works out.

    Answer by randi1978 at 2:23 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • she probally feels bad that she gave him up and wants to make it better by buying all that stuff or something

    Answer by wendy232425 at 6:49 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • She is feeling guilty i'll bet for giving him up, but Id also ask your lawyer if she is trying to establish support for an upcoming suit to try and take the baby back. Suggest to the birth Mom if she buys gifts for her guilty concious that she seek counseling .

    Answer by vbruno at 6:52 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • If you are uncomfortable with it, you could suggest she just give gifts on holidays only & that if she sends them at other times you will have to respectfully return them to her. You could suggest that she send him things that dont cost scrap books, pictures, letters, cards..that sort of thing maybe (if she still feels the need to send SOMETHING at least these things arent expensive & in the end actually mean more)

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:56 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • vbruno, what do you mean establish support for a suit???? Also, she was offered counseling...and declined.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:59 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • is the adoption final? if so doesnt matter if she wants her baby back it wont happen but anyway i would just nicely tell her she doesnt need to buy him all those gifts maybe she is just feeling guilty and its her way of dealing with it. tell her its best if she only buys gifts for holidays and birthdays. or maybe sit and talk to her about maybe there is a reason behind it you dont know and dont understand.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:11 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • That thing about her trying to show support is just ignorant.

    She can't parent her child so maybe she feels the only way she can show her love is to buy presents. If you don't want to hurt her feelings by declining then don't.

    Maybe you could return the gifts an buy her something you know she needs in return, like a gas card or a gift certificate to a local grocery store. Of course be sure to take a pic of your baby wearing what she bought first :) It'll probably wear off over time.


    Answer by onethentwins at 9:19 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • Talked to her tonight. She doesn't like the meaningful gift suggestions. She said she does not feel guilty for placing him, she felt it was the right decision for him and that she told us before that she would give gifts.We knew this and NEVER denied her giving him things..we just didn't know it'd be every single time she got paid or got her dcs child support check.She went on to say that she can send him whatever she wants be it expensive clothing or cash...

    .Frogdawg, helpful insight, though!thanks.
    Unfortunately, the convo didn't end well. We were both frustrated. I told her we can talk tomorrow so I can better get my thoughts together...I'm pretty sure I sounded rude which weren't my intentions .

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:00 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • I honestly don't believe she would try to get him back. She is brutally honest (thats what I love about her lol) and if she had thought about it, she would have confronted dh and I about it, not suprise us in court.
    Onethentwins, your suggestion sounds more harsh than the others. You think its better to ACCEPT her gifts and then return them? thats awful. I'd rather be upfront with her. I've heard of stories where bms send their children thing and the aps throw it away, take it back or what not. Thats just wrong.
    And she would be more upset if they were returned behind her back more than me letting her know upfront how we feel. She does appreciate honesty..even though we are not in agreement. And I like that about her.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:05 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • She is having financial difficulties...she wants to save her money and get a car so she can come visit dc so we won't have to always go I suggested to her tonight that she doesn't have to buy him all of these expensive things that he won't wear or only wear for a short time, that she should save her money and focus on getting a car. She wouldn't hear it. So idk.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:08 PM on Dec. 8, 2008