Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

5 Bumps

Funerals/Mourners (a little advice?) adult content

Condensed version; Our house is situated in a quiet, established neighborhood, our back yard borders neighboring property on the left and right, directly behind it is bordering a cemetery (which I just found out is property of the Antioch Church around the corner from us).
In the two years we have lived here, there have been several funerals (maybe a dozen? 2/3 of which were military). My children and dog spend most of their afternoons and weekend days in the back yard playing and I spend much time in the screened patio room. We've had to, several times, completely interrupt what we're doing, including entertaining company because of a funeral.
When we see that there is a service about to begin, we go inside to eliminate noise. Sometimes the mourners will stay until after the body is buried, even longer a couple of times- on 4 of those occasions, I was verbally accosted by them for being "Disrespectful' and allowing my children to go back outside. They literally walked over to my privacy fence and yelled/had a hissy!
On another occasion, we had mourners visiting the grave site several days after the funeral, my dog was in the yard and barked. The woman actually threw a pop bottle over my fence and yelled at the dog "Don't you be disrespectin my pappy!". When I went to bring him in, she continued to flip out and yell at me. I told her I'd call the police for harassment if she didn't leave (now, understand that to get to my fence, you have to go through about 12 ft of heavy brush and brambles at the back of the cemetery- it isn't as though it is directly accessible to walk up to.)...

What would you do/how would you handle mourners? I personally believe I am being absolutely respectful by eliminating noise and distractions during the funeral, or if I *know* someone is visiting after a ceremony. But I can't just make my life stop every time someone comes out to the cemetery.
I've been called all kinds of names from "skinny white bitch" to "ignant (that's how you say it down here) ho" and everything in between, all the while being told I am 'disrespectin' their loved ones.

WTH?

What can I do differently? We already make accommodation as much as we can.

Answer Question
 
ObbyDobbie

Asked by ObbyDobbie at 10:24 AM on May. 26, 2011 in Religion & Beliefs

Level 34 (70,074 Credits)
Answers (34)
  • Wow. I had to read your message twice and all I can say is WOW. Can you talk to the pastor of the church about the situation. Explain how you have been respectful during the funerals, but have been harrassed during the other times and would like some assistance in the matter.

    Do you live in the south? I do, and I had to laugh at some of your pronunciations!!! LOL!

    Good luck!
    Evie3

    Answer by Evie3 at 10:30 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • Wow, I'm sorry. I would see if there were a pastor you could talk to, or a director of the cemetery or something. You're right, you do what you can, but you can't be expected to have your life stop every time anyone wants to visit the cemetery. :(
    bandgeek521

    Answer by bandgeek521 at 10:37 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • Oh, yes. I live in the dirty south.

    Unfortunately, the pastor is fairly racist- He has done almost all of the services and hooks a mic up to a loudspeaker, which I find strange in and of it's self. One of the ones last summer was evidently a car crash, the at fault driver was white and he LIT INTO "whitey" being the source of evil (its a small, predominately AA church). I highly doubt that talking to him would do anything but cause more animosity. The church is about a mile from here, on one of the routes I like to walk- On Sunday mornings you can hear him spewing hate from the pulpit, well and far outside of the church.
    Though, that is neither here nor there. I feel bad for people so wrapped up in hate... I'm simply at a loss for dealing with these angry, obviously hurting people.
    ObbyDobbie

    Comment by ObbyDobbie (original poster) at 10:37 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • Wow! I would say they are the rude ones. I understand they are in mourning, but when a home is located right there?? I would contact the church and share your concerns with them. Or contact the local funeral home that does most of the burials there. See if they have suggestions. (And it might just be a matter of alerting them to the problem so they can remind people that there are homes close to the cemetery and those people are going about their daily life).
    micheledo

    Answer by micheledo at 10:39 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • I would still consider contacting the pastor (just read your response). Or maybe write a letter to him? Keep it kind and compassionate. Maybe, just maybe, your concern for the mourners will remind him to be a little more thoughtful?
    micheledo

    Answer by micheledo at 10:42 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • Since the pastor is obviously a no-go, can you talk to the cemetery director? I understand that these people are hurting, but that still does not give them the right to act this way. I would put No Trespassing signs on the outside of your privacy fence. I think you are being very accomodating already by altering your life to respect the funerals going on.
    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 10:43 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • micheledo- I hadn't thought to call the funeral home.... See, I could understand if this were a new housing community and they hadn't expected homes in such close proximity, but this development was established over 3 decades ago! The cemetery it's self if about 60 years old (the oldest headstone was about 65 years old). It isn't as though having people here is a big surprise.

    Honestly, the last outburst made me mad. I let it go, but I really wanted to call the cops.

    It's coming up right now, because I can see on the hill, they're digging another grave, which means a funeral some time in the next 72 hours.
    ObbyDobbie

    Comment by ObbyDobbie (original poster) at 10:45 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • Scout- the cemetery is actually church property. I don't know much else about the history of the property, except that the land was purchased almost 40 years ago for a huge development and the cemetery was already on it and the church refused to sell, so they built around it.
    ObbyDobbie

    Comment by ObbyDobbie (original poster) at 10:48 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • I can see them being upset cuz they are already emotionally compromised(if you will) but they also need to respect that they are near homes where people live and have things to do.

    Yes, they have a right to mourn but that doesnt mean a whole neighborhood stops cuz the noise might annoy them.

    So, what I personally would do, is what you've done...eliminate the noise when I see a funeral and such is going on then give an extra hour to let those who stay behind to think or mourn or cry,etc that time. Then all bets are off.

    If its a regular day and someone is just visiting a grave, then I might give them 30 mins, if I think about it or see them, and then all bets are off.
    Amaranth361

    Answer by Amaranth361 at 10:49 AM on May. 26, 2011

  • Sounds like you are making reasonable effort in the situation- I have found in life there are people that just do not the sight and sounds of kids- I had a neighbor tell me the worst thing that ever happened was my family moving in because now all the kids play in the cul de sac and it drives him nuts- I thought, gee- what an easy life he must have if the sound of children playing is the worst thing that ever happened to him- the only thing I would do different would be to not engage them verbally but rather to just smile and wave and go about your business- but some how- I think thats not your style ;)
    soyousay

    Answer by soyousay at 10:49 AM on May. 26, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN