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How should I approach this or should I approach it at all, I found a note my 15 year old wrote saying she dispises me and what I've become, I'm divorced and engaged to a wonderful man that she absolutely loves but she dispises me for divorcing her dad who cheated on me over 10 times?

I'm a mom of three children, each one is totally different and the only one living at home with me still is 15 years old and kind of rebellious in her own way, she's smart, determined but rude to me lately and I keep finding notes of how little she likes me now, she absolutely loves my fiance but seems to like me less, I'm not understanding this growing up we were very close and she always looked up to me but since the divorce with my x husband she seems to dispise me.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:10 PM on Dec. 8, 2008 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (10)
  • IF she's leaving these little notes out for you to find, she's doing it on purpose. I'd be talking to her and telling her she needs to start showing me some respect, period. It sounds like something else is going on though. Is it possible that she feels ignored? Like maybe you've been spending more time with your fiance and less time with her?
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 8:14 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • My parents divorced for the same reason when I was 13. I was rebellious just the same. Looking back now that I am an adult, I realized that my mom didn't make me feel special. She was always with her best friend and it seemed like I took the back seat. I am VERY close with my mother now and I respect her more for divorcing my father...however, I became very promiscuous at a young age just trying to get a little attention. PM me if you want to talk.

    KaceesMom

    Answer by KaceesMom at 8:15 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • Most kids that are products of divorce secretly desire for their mom and dad to be together. She's 15 and most kids are rebellious at that age. I drifted from my mom at age 15 too, I think it's an age thing. She's going to be even more mad if you approach it and say you found a note, she's probably going to think you are snooping. I would approach it but in a sly way, say when you're talking about the upcoming marriage...ask her how she feels about it. Tell her you want to incorporate her into the wedding to show her that she is part of it and no one is replacing anyone. At my aunt's ceremony she wrote a letter to my cousin stating that she loves her and she will always be her first priority, her husband wrote a letter too, and they persented her with a ring. Ask her if she has any feelings regarding your divorce, etc.
    a_and_j_momma

    Answer by a_and_j_momma at 8:15 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • My son was 15 when he had something that was bothering him REALLY bad but wouldn't share it with me. I took him to a child psych. The dr talked to him for about 30 min then told him to talk to me. My son almost cried but looked at me and said he hated me for divorcing his (abusive) dad and breaking up the family. I was so relieved. His words didn't hurt me. They were his valid feelings and that was ok with me. It had to come out so we could work together and heal his wounded heart. Once he got that out we got along fine. Of course that little session cost me $125 but that was a long time ago. I should send him the bill now! LOL The point is, she needs to talk. If not to you then to someone.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:09 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • just tell her that you are going to send her to counseling cause you feel that she might have issues to deal with. she can work out her feelings in there. i would never bring up the note to her. i'm sure that she just felt that way but doesn't really know how to feel about her feelings.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 11:12 PM on Dec. 8, 2008

  • Divorce devastates kids--period. You need a hard look at how your have allowed another man in your life--how long has it been? Did you take the time needed to heal and help her heal from the divorce? I hate it when "adults" do such things and then blame the kids for their reactions--when in reality--the kids are the only ones dealing with reality! Kids do not heal in a few months--it takes years, often a life time. It doesn't mean you put your life on hold, but it does mean you put your own desires on hold until your kids are on level ground. Also, if the divorce has been in the last 5 years, chances are you are the "safe" parent to get mad at because she knows you aren't going anywhere:-) It is a bit tough to understand, but often times a child will lash out at the one parent they know will still be there for them......

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:23 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Don't send her to counseling unless you are willing to go with her. "Sending" a child to counseling in these situations makes it seem that the way the child feels is "wrong" when in reality, it could be the child has a legitimate reason for her feelings. Tell her you both are going because you care enough about her to help you BOTH work on the relationship. Even if it means postponing your wedding.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:25 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • You both need to have closure you both need to go to counseling. Understand where she is coming from when she speaks her heart out don't interrupt and apologize sincerly if that's what she needs. Let her let it out. Hug and hold her cry with her. Tell her that you want to make things right because you love her.
    JCRestoredme

    Answer by JCRestoredme at 11:16 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Why is it that our children, who are thinking feeling human beings, expected to be robots and slaves to the love they are demanded to show for their parents? Radical idea, but just because they are your children doesn't mean they have to love you. We as humans are ALLOWED to have dislike for people, even our own mothers.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:34 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • Well, that was long ago in Dec 2008, seems like year, lmao .. we never went to counseling...but I am a counselor and you know what it was a phase she was going through she's now 16 and we are doing all kinds of things together and she's happy to spend time with me and tells me how sorry she is to write all that and doesn't know herself why she did that, she blames it on OUT of CONTROL hormones, sounds reasonable but my wedding is on for DECEMBER 23,2009 and she's the maid of honor, she asked for that spot at our wedding, I'm so elated!!!

    Hurtnlostmom

    Answer by Hurtnlostmom at 6:35 PM on Jul. 25, 2009

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