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Not trying to make her feel bad.

How do I talk to my dd about taking on more responsibility without her feeling like I am never satisfied with what she does do? I think she should talk to the people at work about more hours so she can save more before she leaves for college, but she thinks everything is just fine. And then whatever I say comes across as if she isn't "good enough". Which is the furthest thing from the truth.
Why are the right words so hard to find?

Answer Question

Asked by wallmom1 at 8:30 PM on May. 26, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Level 12 (843 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • Just be patient with her---make sure you praise her for the little things and maybe try not to stress so much on the others. If she's about to go to college she's probably already experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety and overthinking what you're actually saying.

    Answer by tspillane at 8:34 PM on May. 26, 2011

  • Tough time this is. They are stepping into the role of an adult and it can be frightening. I am sure deep down she knows you are not being critical of her, she is just a bit nervous of all the changes happening in her life. Hang in there and try to keep talking to her. Maybe give her a few days off talking about things like this and just give her kudos for the things she does. Then maybe you could sit and discuss the fall with her and the things she may be needing. Good luck, these really are tough times for them and for us as parents!


    Answer by Peajewel at 9:02 PM on May. 26, 2011

  • Praise her for the good things and let her find out everything else on her own. Teens need to learn from their own mistakes. They need to know that you are there for them, but they don't want you to live their life for them.

    Answer by _Tam_ at 2:28 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • Well, be frank and have a heart to heart with her. Let her know where you see her succeeding and being succesful but that you want to make sure she has thought things through and you want to help her plan for her future. In the end though, things like working more are going to be left totally up to her. And the results of that (good or bad) will be HER responisiblity.

    Answer by ethans_momma06 at 6:06 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • My son is the same way. We can't say anything to him. He just finished his second year of college. He lives at home and attends a university 20 minutes from home. He and a friend have started a business together and if we question him about it he gets mad. He says we don't support him. The truth is he doesn't want to get a real job. It's almost like he thinks he is above working at Target or something. We pay his car insurance and provide him with a truck. He doesn't appreciate anything at all. He has this attitude like we owe him something. What college expenses is your daughter going to be resposible for? When fall comes and she has little money let her face the consequences. That's what we plan to do. I know there is a shortage of summer jobs right now for teens. Can she babysit for extra cash?

    Answer by jcm62497 at 7:47 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • The thing is with my dd she feels like everything will work out, because it always does. She has a job and babysits one day a week. But when you bring home maybe 120 every two weeks and have to put gas in your car, it doesn't last long! She feels like she is responsible and all that, just that I expect too much from her. And maybe I do, she is a smart girl, NHS and music honors too, but always just does what she needs to do, never more even if she is capable. Which she is. And If I push, I'm not satisfied. I just want her to be all she can be and sometimes I don't think she is. But, you are right, I have to let her learn that for herself.

    Comment by wallmom1 (original poster) at 8:20 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • I'd just sit down with her and tell her you are proud of her accomplishments and such, and tell her you want to give her some advice on some things. Speak to her from experience, and give her examples of how to be more responsible.

    Answer by daerca574 at 9:09 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • Say something supportive and positive like:
    "I think that it is great that you have a job. You are very responsible to earn money for yourself. Do you want me to help you figure out what you could say to your boss to get more hours or do you have another plan to pay for college? What are you thinking?"
    Thats more of a conversation then a demand or outright suggestion and you point out the good thinkgs before presenting the new idea.

    Answer by amber710 at 11:19 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • Have her make up a budget to show you how she thinks she's doing enough. Numbers don't lie.

    Answer by Pnukey at 12:02 PM on May. 30, 2011

  • Maybe she is fine with the amount she makes and likes her free time. If she asks for money suggest she get more hours so she doesn't have to.

    Answer by aj23 at 8:07 PM on May. 30, 2011

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