Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Think about it... what would you do?

I really would appreciate your input, and advice... I have a really great husband. For the past several months he has been taking care of everything for me. I have some strange health things going on and the answers the doctors give us is... sorry I just do not know what is going on. I have swelling everywhere, I can not close my hands, my feet legs arms just everything hurts. My skin feels like it is going to split sometimes. Anyway, I am still working everyday but when I get home I am so exhausted all I can do is crawl into bed and put my feet up. This is where I get confused...I am working everyday in more pain than I have ever experienced before. He is not working! My sorry little income can not support us. I suggested looking for low income housing because we can not afford our home. I ask if he has any appointments scheduled for his work and he never does. Whenever I see him at his computer he is either watching some history channel show or playing poker. I never see him being productive at his work. He will spend hours reading webmd about my symptoms. He will comment that maybe being in a stressful situation is part of the cause. Then he will serve me dinner in bed! Bottom line I am not happy, I should be but I am not. He has so much potential but I can not live on potential. We can not. I guess what is prompting this is our nine yr. old daughter told me today that she was trying to find a job online today! She said she wants to get more money. I have not talked to him about my feelings in quite a while. You see it has been years since he has maintained any kind of substantial income. It is always one thing or another that "prevents" him from working. It seems like he is so worried about me he can't be apart yet I go to work and he is home! This does not work for me. It is like he gets so occupied in doing insignificant unproductive things that what is important just goes by the wayside. It seems to me that he is just fine accepting welfare or assistance from church than do for himself or his family. I am tired, I do not know how to bring this up without either getting into a fight or him acting like the injured party. Whenever I bring this stuff up he gets so defensive then just says I am right cries a little, yet nothing changes EVER! Other than his lack of work he truly is a wonderful, caring, gentle man. I am so sad...what do I do?

Answer Question

Asked by Noosa at 10:39 PM on May. 26, 2011 in Relationships

Level 20 (8,483 Credits)
Answers (4)
  • It may be time for a good healthy fight. He needs to find a job of some kind, even if it's something for which he feels he is overly qualified. I would tell him he has to do more, and if that makes him mad, then so be it. Maybe he needs some good pastoral counseling about the roles of husband and father and what he should be doing for his family. Whatever it takes to get him moving, that's what I would be found doing.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:47 PM on May. 26, 2011

  • I would say he is scared about your condition.

    Answer by kpolitte at 10:51 PM on May. 26, 2011

  • Your condition sounds like an auto immune disorder, have a Rheumatologist check you for 1) Lupus, 2) Cushing's syndrome, 3) Psoriatic Arthritis 4)Thyroid disorder 5) Rheumatoid Arthritis - As for your husband, if he as patient as he sounds, maybe a mediator can help you to express your concerns without him shutting down. Him conceding and doing nothing else is a way of shutting down. He may be thinking "who will take care of her if I'm not here?" and even though that's very caring, it's also a crutch, a co-dependency. While he is taking care of you physically, he is not doing what you NEED. And he may take your confrontation as an attack even if you are being patient about it. Try a mediator if you can, a therapist or clergyman, whatever you can afford and are comfortable with. Express your concerns leaving out terms like "lazy" or something like that. He sounds like a good guy; best of luck to you both.

    Answer by Aneya at 12:23 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • Thanks Aneya...I have already had all those tests and seen the rheumatoid doctor, same answer...this is a mystery! I am so confused about my hubby though, you give me something to think about.

    Comment by Noosa (original poster) at 12:38 AM on May. 27, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.