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What to do when my step child uses ''you're not my mom'' to justify disobedience?

my step daughter and i got into an arguement when i asked her to clean up her toys. she refused and said ''don't tell me what to do.you're not my mom''. her biological mother died when she was 1 year old. i'm the only mom that she's really known. i treat her and love her as my own.i'm sure that she doesn't understand how this affects me, but how do i stop her from saying such hurtful things to me?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:26 AM on May. 27, 2011 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Answers (9)
  • That is hard! Just talk to her and tell her that u love her. I do not know any 3-4 y/o who pick up their toys!
    dancer

    Answer by dancer at 5:29 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • If she is btw 3-4 of course she wouldnt understand what she was saying and wouldnt mean to hurt you, is this posted in the right age group? I wonder where she would even get that from at that age, unless someone has told this to her, explain in an age appropriate way that she is right, I am not your Mother but I am here to protect and love you like a Mother does.
    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 5:32 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • time for counceling, believe me, the earlier you start it the better off she will be, dont wait until there is a real p[roblem. She needs to learn now how to deal with the anger she is going to feel over her "abandonment". It will benefit you as well to learn coping mechanisms and how to deal with her feelings as they come up. My DH and I got full sole custody of his son when he was 3, his mother lost all rights and is no longer in his life. She abused him and left him mentally challenged. We got him into counceling right away and even tho he does not have the mental capacity to understand what has happened to him, he still has negative feelings and behaviours that we needed to learn to deal with. The counceling sessions have not only helped him, but have helped our whole family as well, as we all need to have better ways to cope with the difficult issues that arise from raising children that have been hurt. good luck
    shivasgirl

    Answer by shivasgirl at 5:51 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • You dont. They always do that. You just tell her at this age you love her and are not trying to take her moms place, but want to be there for her. Over time because she is so young she will stop doing it.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 7:57 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • She is right. You can't argue fact. So don't. Remind her she is right. "I'm not your mom but I am in charge of safety. Your dad's house has rules. Rules are for safety, health, and to teach what your dad finds important. Since I am in charge of safety as an adult in this home I have to tell you when something is not safe, healthy, or what your dad has told me is something he prefers you not do. I'll keep you safe and healthy. You can discuss with your dad when he comes home why your poor choice was against a rule. Until he comes home I need you to clean up the milk you spilled and then sit on the watching bench with me so we can either sit together in silence or talk about the poor choice and what we can do different next time. If you can't help me clean up you will have to go to your room for ten minutes while I clean this up.". When dad comes home he has her clean something else. The reality is all situations
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:24 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • situations can be corrected with time, love and patience. Give her some space and you. She is testing. And over and over you have to prove you love her. That's normal. Yes you have to take charge of safety and rules. But at tge same time give her tge chance to think and the time and space to do it. She will stop eventually. But when she hurts she wants you to hurt just as much. Hang in there.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:28 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • I would say "No, I'm not but I am the adult in charge right now and I'm sure if your Mom was here right now she would expect you to behave nicely and listen to what you are asked to do" Just hang in there Momma it'll get better.
    Kimedbs

    Answer by Kimedbs at 8:40 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • my grandson say were not his family and that he doesnt love us . were all his natural family. i just tell himi love him . sually he says it when hes just mad. hes 4. tellhim you love her .s he really doesnt know what hes saying. just give her a lot of love.
    stressedoutgran

    Answer by stressedoutgran at 5:01 PM on May. 27, 2011

  • my step son has not tried this yet with me hes 4 and he tells me no and sticks his toung out at me and spits....it pisses me and my husband off
    kris8525

    Answer by kris8525 at 7:04 PM on May. 30, 2011

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