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I dont know how to stop. =(

I've been with BF for over 3 years now, I'm ready/wanting a future with him; marriage, kids, etc. He's perfect; my everything. He works hard, he accomplishs most goals that he sets and if he doesnt accomplish them, then he isnt done working towards them. He's honost, loyal, trustworthy... Everything that a woman can ask for in a man. He's accepted my son and has taken on that father figure role, even without prompting from me.

The issue is my son's biological father. He came into the "picture" a few months ago. Met DS a few times then he kind of disappeared; he's in jail now and he's writing to me. I dont tell DS b/c it'd break his heart once BD leaves again, and why tell him? He's happy with BF; who's proven himself since day 1- never left, no matter how hard it got.. DS is 5, I'll add too.

But its like my heart yearns for this 'boy'... the deadbeat of my son. He's never helped with DS, only caused problems, he's in jail now for a few things, including not paying CS (going on 3 years of not paying, and before that- it was just 3 months outta the year)... I KNOW he's not good for me; I KNOW he's worthless and he causes nothing but disaster (sp?) in his path. So why am I pulled towards him? I thought that I was over the bad boy phase; the drug addicts, etc. The last time I seen him; before when DS met him, was when I was pregnant with DS- about 3 months along. He didnt come to the hospital at the delivery, for DS's surgeries, nothing!

Why is it that I'm so willing to forgive him for all of that? Why is it that I crave him in a way? He was abusive in the past (major reason why I left; realized I deserved better)... and he's STILL the same way with his friends/family. But he's not that way towards me right now; its like the honey moon stage- I understand that... But it doesn't stop me from basically leading him on-- making him believe that he has a chance with me, that we have a future. I know- in my heart of hearts, I'd never be with him. I never could; but that desire is there... and I'll be honest, if I wasnt with BF, I would be with him... But BF has shown me the way that a man should treat a woman, he's shown me what a true/healthy relationship is about.

Why can't I just stop all contact with him? It's not benefitting DS.. No one even knows that me and BD are writing each other.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:16 AM on May. 27, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (5)
  • Because you love him. Just because you split up with someone doesnt mean you stop loving them. You have a child together and will forever be connected so you feel that. You have to decide with your head not your heart what is best for your son.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 8:18 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • I understand where you are coming from it's a behavioral thing...i was with my ex for 5 yrs. knowing the way he treated me was wrong,but I still took it...he is somewhat are part of our kids lives though and that I know is the main reason I stayed with him...it's hard to not want what we are used too....it's a comfort thing as dumb as that sounds...you have to take the first step and stop writing him...think about your BF I'm sure he would not be happy about and and think about your son if you get caught writing and your BF leaves you chances are no matter how close he is with your son he probably won;t be around for him if he;s not with you. Just realise it's not just about you and your feelings...other are involved...the best and only way to stop is by stopping...I now it's easier said then done,but throw away his letter..don;t even open them so your not tempted to write him.GL!!
    happymama02

    Answer by happymama02 at 8:25 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • I think it's because bio dad is a challenge to you. The guy your with is safe and secure and not a challenge. Just remember all the bad things about your ex, why you left him. If he was abusive to you he will be abusive to your son. I would stop all contact.
    JackieGirl007

    Answer by JackieGirl007 at 9:42 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • i disagree with the first post i don't think ur in love with him your still in love with the person you wanted him to be. Having a child with a loser is tough, I am there but you have to realize hopefully before you lose your bf that he isn't what u expected and deal with the disappointment. Talking to him is fine in my book about your son, but nothing more just tell him the truth, you have a bf who is good to you, and you love him that you'll write to him about his son but nothing more you want to move on and he should respect that and tell your bf it isn't fair to lie to someone who is good to you.
    rhonda111787

    Answer by rhonda111787 at 10:09 AM on May. 27, 2011

  • I have experienced a similar 'bad boy attraction' problem. It took me years of wasted time and crushed ego/ feelings to realize I was the problem. I think you are attracted to him because he makes you feel good about yourself (compareitively you've really got your shit together) and by holding on to him you are holding onto your wild and free days of zero responsibility (before you had a kid and a functioning relationship) my advice to you is... Get away from him! You have to admit to yourself that you have these feelings, that there are times when you just want to escape your life. It's ok to feel that way, you must accept that part of you. Than you need to find a positive outlet.... Day spa, girls night out, or a vacation without your child or even just by yourself. You don't need that man to feel good about / love yourself.
    Ms.Gwen

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 11:35 AM on May. 27, 2011

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