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My father died, and I feel helpless

I lost my dad Wednesday due to his cancer spreading to his brain. Okay my mom is too weak and sad to handle the arrangments so my oldest sister and I went to the funeral home to do it ourselves. I found out my oldest sister and my mom was listed as beneficiaries, and that was no problem to me. The problem was when we got to the funeral home, my sister took over everything. She didn't allow me to help her pick out the casket or flowers. I feel so bad because I wanted to say to everyone that I helped. I feel like the "Black sheep" of the family because the entire time my dad was sick it was me and my mom who sat in the radiation and chemotherapy sessions. My sister was not there, nor did she take part in it. I was with my dad till the end, and I feel abandoned. Should I get over it?

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Asked by Anonymous at 8:23 PM on May. 27, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (7)

    dont feel bad.... this could be her guilt coming through.  She could feel bad about not being there and by taking over she feels she did help in some way.  Let her have this.  We all greave so differently and you have those memories of actually BEING there with dad that she will never have.

    let her have this.


    Answer by Anonymous at 8:26 PM on May. 27, 2011

  • I understand how awful you must feel. First the loss of your dad and then to have family issues on top of it. If you decide to bring it up to your sister n mom, do so after a few months. You want to grieve your dad and save your energy for everything else. During this time, people deal with funeral arrangements as a way to cope with the grieving process. Your sister may have felt bad for not being there when he was suffering. It may have been too difficult for her, but planning a funeral, she can do well. You were there for the most important part, when he needed support. Let it go for now. When you do bring it up, let her know you would have liked to have taken part and that both of you should have been involved. For now, this is the way she is grieving.

    Answer by Vero0724 at 8:27 PM on May. 27, 2011

  • I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. I completely understand how you feel. I have an older sister like yours, and needless to say, she just took over the funeral arrangements. Mom was able to make some of the decisions, but it was difficult for her to say the least. Please know that you and your family are in my family's prayers. ((((Hugs))))

    Answer by Robsmommy at 9:56 PM on May. 27, 2011

  • Condolences to you. I lost my dad in April. Time will heal you little by little. My mom made these decisions 2 weeks before . I know what you're going through. Trust me you will feel better, its just a matter of patience.

    Answer by geminilove7 at 12:12 AM on May. 28, 2011

  • I lost my mom back in October 2010, and OMG it was so rough,I still feel I am lost without her. My sister was an absolute bitch during this time and even too this day I am having a hard time forgiving. I haven't even recieved her ashes yet... I live in MIchigan and mom lived in Florida. So on that it made things difficult. But I did get to see her before she passed. It will be hard for awhile. I am now just abkle to at least talk about her without crying, well all most anyway. Best wishs and I will be thinking about you. But it has been said that time heals all wounds, so yes there are times when I wish I could fast forward time like Adam Sandler did in the movie "Click" lol :) Take care...

    Answer by Michigan-Mom74 at 12:34 AM on May. 28, 2011

  • I am So Sorry for the loss of your Dad.. i'm not sure why alot of people try to take over everything when someone dies- it mattered when they were alive- you should be able to make decisions about the arrangements too- your Dad knew you were there with him; you can be at Peace- your Sister is going to have a much harder time finding it..


    Answer by daisyb at 12:36 AM on May. 28, 2011

  • sounds like sis couldn't hack it and this is here way of trying to make up for not being there before. It sucks that you are being pushed aside now because of it though.. perhaps you can do a little by standing up and writing a speech for your dad at the funeral, or make a donation in his honor and have a box for others to donate in his honor as well available at the funeral so you are still participating in some way.

    Answer by xxhazeldovexx at 1:02 AM on May. 28, 2011

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