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2 Bumps

What are my resposibilities in my step daughter's wedding?

My step- daughter (she is 30) getting married next week. It is an out of town wedding. Her real mother had a nasty divorce and has not been in talking term with my husband since we have been married. She also hates her ex- in laws that are going to be in the wedding. We have been married for 13 years. I have OK relationship with my step daughter but not closely involved in the wedding details. My husband is paying for the entire cost of weddings. My step- daughter ‘s mother has even treated her daughter that she might not show up. It will be the first time that I am going to see her. What should be my responsibilities in this wedding process? Where should I sit? She is not included in the rehearsal dinner because of bad feeling she has to ward my husband. Should we also get a gift for the weddings considering that my husband has already paid for everything? The couple are 30, working, living together for 2.5 years.

Answer Question
 
toofan

Asked by toofan at 1:14 PM on May. 28, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • Is your relationship with your step daughter OK enough for you and she to go to lunch and talk about what role she would like you to play? Telling her you want to do your best to make sure her day is perfect, and there is nothing to set her mother off?
    LoveBuggsMommie

    Answer by LoveBuggsMommie at 1:18 PM on May. 28, 2011

  • Umm, sounds to me like you're just a guest. If that's the case then you don't do anything but show up, smile and wish her all he best.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 1:20 PM on May. 28, 2011

  • I would just go. You can tell your husand that you are expecting him to find out where they want you to sit and he can tell you. If you are going to the rehearsal, I would take a seat in the back of the room, and unless told or asked to move, I would just sit there. I would figure the less attention anyone paid to me, the better off I would be. So I would make myself as unnoticeable as possible.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 1:32 PM on May. 28, 2011

  • Unless she says otherwise, you are there as her dad's date. You sit by her dad (unless she asks you to sit somewhere else). You are not there in an official position. A gift is not necessary, though a card should be given. You are NOT to show up at the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner unless invited, don't ask her what "role she wants you to play" because that might make her feel you expect some sort of special role. You can ask her if you are to sit by your DH or if you should sit with other family and if you and you DH are sitting in the front row (after the mother and her spouse/date) or if she would like it to be more tradition and his sit behind her mother in the second row. Also ask which table she would like you to be at the reception. whether it's the bride's family table or another and If she says bride's table ask if you are to sit there with your DH or to sit with other family at another table. Make sure she knows....
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 5:53 PM on May. 28, 2011

  • that you are willing to sit where ever would make things most civil. Don't visit her when she is getting ready unless invited to do so (as this is more of a mother- daughter thing). As far as her mother saying she might not come, that's the stress of wedding planning, my mother must have said it 10 times while planning my wedding (she was in the front row lol).Just try not to put any more pressure on her then already is. In fact with the situation being what it is, I would tell her you would just rather be a guest if she offers you a role that is normal of the mother of the bride, because that could cause some major problems at the wedding, and more then likely it will be remembered by most as "your fault">
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 5:56 PM on May. 28, 2011

  • Typically the step mother's job is to be civil and just be a guest. Although during the dances, YOU should be the one dancing with her father and not his ex.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 6:57 PM on May. 28, 2011

  • You should sit with pride beside your husband taking your place as his wife. Just act with dignity and kindness to all you meet.
    lilangilyn

    Answer by lilangilyn at 7:58 PM on May. 28, 2011

  • I disagree with everything that JLS2388 said, by the way. Your husband is paying for the rehearsal dinner, so you are his honored wife and guest. You should not be separated from your husband by being at other tables during the rehearsal dinner or receptions and you sit with him during the actual wedding. You are not a second class citizen to be relegated to the corner, or a child. You are lawfully married to the father of the bride. Take your place, and do not listen to advice that tells you otherwise.
    lilangilyn

    Answer by lilangilyn at 10:56 AM on May. 29, 2011

  • NO her dh is NOT paying for the rehearsal dinner, the groom's parents are paying for it but no matter who pays for it the BRIDE AND GROOM are the guests of honor, no dad's wife. She is to do as the bride asks. If the bride's mother does not want her to sit at the front table then the bride can either sit the SM with other family or dad and SM can sit with other family but the mom is the Mother of the Bride and is the one who deserves that place of honor, not dad's wife. A SM doesn't have a traditional place in the wedding so she should attend as a guest unless otherwise asked.
    JLS2388

    Answer by JLS2388 at 6:34 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • Most likely whatever your sd would want you to do.
    itsmesteph11

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 4:12 PM on May. 30, 2011

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