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How did i get lost? (family question)

I am 27 yr old female and single mother of 2 children. Im writing this because Im troubled by the fact that im becoming more and more aware of how much I do not fit into my own family. Ive always felt different from them since I was very young, but it seems like its gotten much worse. First of all, I am only referring to my father’s side of the family which lives in the same state as me. My mother committed suicide when I was 3yrs old and all of her family lives in other states, I didn’t meet them until I was 13 but the times I’ve gone to visit them I always felt content however I haven’t seen them in about 5yrs now and we hardly speak on the phone. I have a twin brother and a cousin (on my father’s side of the family) who I get along with great, but everybody else I feel I cannot relate to or really care to have a deep relationship with. I have an older sister and brother who have a different mother as my twin & I, so they are my half siblings. I love my sister. But this half brother of mine (who is 10yrs older than me) molested me from the age of 5 to 8 or 9 when I told my father what he was doing. From then on, I remember my dad’s son not coming to visit for awhile but eventually he started coming around again & my dad started leaving him to babysit me & my twin again. He never touched me again but he was very mean to me when my dad wasn’t there, called me names and just very verbally abusive. This is a huge reason I do not like to (& have not made any efforts to have a real relationship with this side of my family). My half sister, who is his full-sibling, I love very much. I don’t know if she knows what he did to me when I was a kid, everytime on holidays and other get togethers my dad’s son is over there & I just don’t want to be around him or have my daughters around him. I know he did this to me when he was about 16-18 yrs old, but I really don’t think people like that change. Another thing that bothers me about this side of my family is that they are kind of trashy. I went to a graduation party at my sisters house yesterday and it was just another reminder of why I keep my distance from them. I had my 2yr old with me and im so glad I didn’t bring my 11yr old because every other word that came out of their mouths was a curse word. Don’t get me wrong, I cuss on occasion too, but their swearing is on a whole other level. My 17yr old niece who was there was cussin like a sailor & I don’t want my kids exposed to that. Antoher thing I should mention is that about 6 yrs ago, I started seeing a counselor for troubles I needed to deal with and I stopped shortly after the first session, but the counselor I had still was very nice and I continued to call her on occasion when I needed someone to talk to. Eventually, we became very close and now we have had a mother/daughter relationship for the past 4-5 yrs and my daughters and I go visit her on holidays and get-togethers & we are extremely close. Its strange because my “real” family, with exception of my twin & my father actually knows about this woman who I consider to be like a mother to me. It’s kind of like I’m living a double life, because I don’t want the lady who I consider my mother to meet my real family because they are completely opposite of each other. I’m also very uncomfortable about how I came to have this relationship with my mother figure because I used to be her client (& its completely obvious we are not blood related because we are different races)., so when people ask I get embarrassed and usually change the subject or something. I need some advice about this situation. I’ve been dealing with it for many years now, and I guess I’ve been trying to avoid the situation but yesterday when I went to my sister’s house, I realized I couldn’t keep avoiding it anymore. I just want to feel happy and content within a family where I feel I truly belong. the only people i feel 100 percent at ease is with are my 2 daughters. Please help with your advice.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:02 PM on May. 29, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (5)
  • ~*Wow*~... long read...


    hugs


    Sorry you feel that way! Secondly, I wouldn't feel guilty about adding someone into your life/family that is a positive! not everyone is blessed to be born into a functional awesome family... so grab onto those positives when/while you have them and chalk them up to life expiriences

    MommaClark3

    Answer by MommaClark3 at 12:07 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • you should put some breaks in your post that way it would be easier for people to read
    Christmaslver68

    Answer by Christmaslver68 at 12:10 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • There is no shame in having a loving, nurturing relationship with a " surrogate" maternal figure. There is also no shame in avoiding people with whom you do not wish to raise your children around, regardless of whether you are related to them. Your maternal instincts are shouting out to you what is right and good for you and your daughters vs. What is unhealthy and damaging. Follow your instincts. There are ways to quietly disassociate yourself from family without causing drama. Stop showing up at family gatherings but selectively invite those with whom you wish to maintain contact with to dinner or other small activities. Eventually, there will be some questions, and it's your prerogative to address them or not. It will take a while before anyone catches on what is happening, and that will give you time to formulate a response when you are approached with their suspicions.
    nepenthe429

    Answer by nepenthe429 at 12:18 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • Just because your blood related doesn't mean squat. You don't NEED negative influence. We see my mom about every 6 months. I am a lot closer to my friends than my family. Don't feel bad about what you are choosing. You know you are putting people in those kids lives that will influence them well. Stay away from people that make you uncomfortable!

    Good luck mom, I wish you the best.
    cueballsmom

    Answer by cueballsmom at 12:24 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • Your family are the ones who love and support you for WHO YOU ARE, not what they want you to be. Most of my family I have no relation to at all. I get along a lot better with my in-laws than my blood family.

    If you want nothing to do with your blood family, then keep your distance. If this therapist/mom you've got is a great thing in your life, then KEEP her and don't feel like you have to explain ANYTHING. Your life, your choices. I think you're doing a wonderfully brave thing for keeping your kids away from the dysfunction you grew up with. Good for you for trying to break the chain of idiocy.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 1:03 PM on May. 29, 2011

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