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2 Bumps

Familial Issues...

I got pregnant when I was seventeen and I broke up with my abusive boyfriend before I found out and I didn't want him to have anything thing to do with her, which was handy because he didn't want her either. His parents have never had much to do with her either. They've came to her second birthday party, and they have seen her on Christmas every year and they saw her at the hospital when she was born. They buy her presents for birthday and Christmas and give me some money when they get their income tax every year They recently found out that their younger daughter is pregnant and they have been so excited to have a grandchild on the way before she pointed out to them that they couldn't be good grandparents to her child and still basically ignore Alice. After this realization, they have decided to that they really want a relation with little Alice.

My daughter is almost three and she barely knows them. Every time she sees them I have to say "That's your grandma and grandpa, baby." It confuses her because she has never seen her father and my mother and stepfather are very close to her and they are her grandparents. Now Evelyn is upset because Alice doesn't just fall into her arms and declare her grandma and she gets snippy with my mother whenever she tries to tell her anything about Alice, like when she tried to give her grape juice and my mother said that she hated grape juice and told her to give her apple juice. Our arrangement had been going just fine and, as much as I would like them to have a relationship with them, I don't want to traumatize my child. Plus, they keep insisting that their son did not abuse me and I just used it as an excuse to keep Alice away from him, which is what he told them. I'm afraid of letting my child get involved with their family but they do love her and they seem like they honestly want a relationship with Alice. They regret letting so much time pass and they want to get to know her, and be there for me. She does see her aunt, the sister who is pregnant, but I met my ex through her, because we were friends in high school.

I don't know what to do.

Answer Question
 
Razzle_Dazzle1

Asked by Razzle_Dazzle1 at 1:17 PM on May. 29, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 18 (5,775 Credits)
Answers (5)
  • trust your gut and only let them see the baby supervised and sit them down and tell them if they cant respect your feelings they dont need to be around....
    cara124

    Answer by cara124 at 1:26 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • For now I wouldn't let them have unsupervised visits. If they stay consistant enough in visiting her she will get used to them and be more comfortable around them.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 1:28 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • So, your ex's parents only want to spend more time with your daughter because THEIR daughter shamed them into it? That would SO not fly with me. If ANYONE blew my child off for three years, then suddenly wanted to be her best friend ALL my warning alarms and red flags would be going off.
    Rosehawk

    Answer by Rosehawk at 1:41 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • Well, according to them, she didn't shame them into it. It was more that they realized that, as excited as they were for Ally's child, the never got that way about Alice and they wanted to be apart of her life too. They love Alice. They've always said they love her. She just wants to jump in and be grandma when Alice doesn't even know her. I'm not letting them see her unsupervised for now and I plan to have a long come-to-Jesus meeting about their wonderful son. Ally has even to them that he hit me. They just don't want to believe it.
    Razzle_Dazzle1

    Comment by Razzle_Dazzle1 (original poster) at 3:42 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • I see that it's bumpy so far, but you seem open to it & so do they, really. If anything, it just seems like some awkwardness & hurt feelings, maybe some disappointment after unrealistic expectations. The relationship overall seems like it could benefit your daughter for sure, and enrich their lives, too. This bumpiness is just about the adjustment & feelings, probably some disappointment & also maybe feeling threatened or defensive. Really, it's all good things (in the sense that it's human; trying to avoid vulnerable feelings of insecurity.)
    I would support their relationship & accept their overtures, and just offer reassurances that she barely knows them, and so they are building a relationship with her. Maybe you can acknowledge that it is what it is now, but that makes sense to you & you have every reason to expect that over time she will get more & more familiar with them and her interactions with them will reflect that.
    girlwithC

    Answer by girlwithC at 7:48 PM on May. 29, 2011

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