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Should I tell my daughter the truth when she is old enough to know?

My dd is not really my dh child. but we both agreed to keep it untold to her. only thing is my parents who know the truth think she deserves the right to know when she is old enough. My dh is raising her as his own and loves her to death. I don't want to hurt him but I dont want to hurt her either. my parents think she should know who her real other family is but I'm scared to lose my dh. He told me if I ever told her he would leave me. Her bd dont even want anything to do with her and that is only because I stopped seeing him when I got caught cheating. Dont judge just asking for my daughter sake. I already know what I did was wrong and my fault you dont have to tell me. Thanks

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Asked by Anonymous at 2:58 AM on Dec. 9, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (18)
  • I think your parents should mind thier own business. I mean, I know they are trying to lookout for your daughter, but you and your DH are trying to do that as well. There is no sense in presenting her to the "BD" when she gets old enough if he has not been around her her whole life. Your DH now is who she sees as Dad and I don't think that is anyone elses business to butt into as far as other members of your family. They are her grandparents, it is not up to them to have a foot in decisions like this. You and your DH get to make the executive decisions because you are the parents.

    Answer by BabyBeans0506 at 3:07 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Cont.
    I think when the time comes it will present itself to whether it is the right thing to do or not. When she gets older you and your DH might not feel its so bad to tell her afterall. She will always see him as dad regardless. Trust me on that, my DH step-dad is the one he considers his father because he was the one that was there for him. Good luck, Oh and I say- make the decision when she is older.

    Answer by BabyBeans0506 at 3:08 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Waht you did was NOT (!!!!) wrong...

    ok let me tell you about myself. My daddy is actually my stepfather. BUT he raised me since i was 10months old. My parents made me think he is my daddy until i was 11 years old. They were always waiting for the right moment. but there is no such thing as the right moment to tell your daughter that you are not the biological father. My mom left the house with my younger brother to go get some groceries and my dad called me in the living room. Wanted to talk. Then he told me. He was crying, i was crying, i was mad at him ... but only for 10minutes. ;) I love my daddy to death, he is the best dad in the world. I know who my bio father is, but i dont care about him (diff. story).

    Answer by m.robertson811 at 3:11 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • (contin...)

    my stepfather is MY real father... he changed my diapers when i was a baby and he loves me like his own child. what my parents did was great and im proud they were strong enough to keep this little secret. It wasnt easy for them, but the right thing to do.

    f your DH will leave you when you want to tell your daughter, the he is a huge asshole. Sorry... But your daughter deserves the right to know. he is raising her and he loves her. i wont make a difference for her if he is the dad by blood or "only" by heart.

    mail me if you need to talk!

    Answer by m.robertson811 at 3:11 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Thanks your right my dh and I are the ones who are going to be making that decision. And yeah I thnk we will see what we feel is right at that time. Thanks

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:12 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • I will tell you something - your daughter will probably find out the truth somehow down the road. And the older she is and the method she finds out will determine how angry she will be after she finds out she was lied to for years. My sister who is now 54 was adopted from my dad's cousin from birth. My parents never told any of us. But the person who it turns out was her half-sister took her out to lunch one day and spilled the truth to her. My sister was in SHOCK. She felt betrayed and lied to as me and my other sister felt too (my other sister and I were natural born daughters). Just know that everyone has a right to know their biological heritage. Even if it seems like you are doing the right thing now and sparing your husband feeling bad. It is a lie to keep this from her. She will resent you. Just warning you.

    Answer by kathyartist2007 at 3:28 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Don't forget ! She should also know in case (God forbid )she ever have to check her family history for medical reasons and for the simple fact that if she wants to look for bio dad, she has that right IMO.

    Answer by Gigi1969 at 3:42 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • let it be you not someone else but let her understand that the dad shes known has never loved more than as if she was his own

    Answer by Mommy2Be1212009 at 4:09 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Since your parents know, it will come out eventually. I had to find out from my father at 26yo that my mother left him for her cousin in prison. And that was only because I had asked my mother why he was in his prison and she went off on me like I just accused her of murder. (Tell me my mother isn't screwed up? lol) I was so mad... I had asked so many questions in the past and was always lied to. Just make sure that your dh knows how your parents feel, and that it would be a hell of a lot easier coming from you and EXPLAINING that you are human and messed up rather than hearing from grandma or grandpa that her daddy isn't her daddy. BTW: she will still look at him as her daddy. Especially if she's a daddy's girl!

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:18 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Who's name is on the birth certificate? When she gets old enough to get a license, she will see that and you'll have to explain if he's not on there. I think medical history is important but it's your decision, not your family. The secret doesn't always come out, my SIL is really my neice but she doesn't know and she's well in to her twenties. She found out at school from a friend that she was adopted and it hurt her, but she said she didn't want to know who her birth Mom was, that her parents that raised her are the only parents she needs or wants. But I do worry how it's going to play out when my SIL finds out her two "nephews" are her brothers but I think they'll all understand it since they're all adults now. Blood doesn't make a mother or father.... love does

    Answer by lisa_ann_p at 6:32 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

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