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3 Bumps

19 year old sleeps most of the day, disrespectful and husband won't go with the game plan

I just don't know what to do. My son was on such a nice path when he started college, but missed his first paper and it was downwards from there. He didn't get good enough grades to quality for his grant and we can't nor will I pay for private college for someone I don't feel has the umph to keep on the right track right now.

He says he's trying to get a job, been "trying" since December...but hasn't... He's most nights and sleeps til mid-day and disrespectul I could just strangle him!

Every week for I can't remember how long I've been trying to get my husband on the same gameplan, but he won't discipline him. I tell my husband he won't be forced to work til he has no money. It's breaking our marriage apart and I'm the BAD MOM while my husband comes out looking like a rose. Yesterday, AGAIN he put some gas in the kids car with a promise when I caught him that my son would be doing chores to pay it off today. So, of course he wakes up at 1pm ready to go to the concert with my husband and his 2 friends. In walks 2 of my sons friends and I have a break down in front of everyone. My husband gets so angry that I'm discussing this he breaks his reading glasses.

He gives the boys the tickets to the concert (without my knowledge at teh time) and now my son and his 2 friends are at the concert while I'm stuck at home with a husband who's impossible to want to be around.

I'm going to get my son's car, which we bought for him to attend college and drive it over to a friends house. I'm the only one in this house that seems to care if my son gets on with his life or not. My husband thinks I'm being mean by not giving him a fun day. This is the same son that was out til 2am partying on the gas my husband put in his car... he woke up at 1pm today just in time to leave with my husband and his 2 friends til I made a stink. Of course no chores done by the son.

I can't take it anymore. I want to just leave. My husband is so upset he said he wants to leave. He says he just can't take the controversy of being a parent. I get lied to my face all the time and I'm looking like the bad person in this family.

I'm so upset. I just don't know what to do. It's been MONTHS and no results because my husband keeps coddling this kid.

I can't turn his phone off because he "might" get a call from one of the few places he's put an application in with. I have asked him to go work ANYwhere and told him of places that are hiring, but he feels they're not good places to work. The one interview he did have he slept through because apparently my husband was to wake him, but forgot to.

He could work for me, but he hats me and won't work for me at my company.

I tried to kick him out, he came home that night saying he had nowhere to stay and my husband won't let me keep him out of the house.

I know I shouldn't say this but I don't like my son or my husband. I have another adult son who's got special needs and works for me who wants to try school again and will probably fail that I need to help. I'm way over my head. I tried bringing the one able minded/bodied son to a counselor, that didn't do anything but make me more angry because it didn't help me and she young seemed easily manipulated. My son is VERY good at manipulating people. He went through high school lying and manipulating people to get what he wanted. He finally ran into someone in college that wouldn't allow it and gave him his first dose of reality. Thus the reason he's not going to school now.

He's managed to turn my husband against me. I don't know what stories he's told his girlfriends parents but I've been getting test messages basicially stating he's got a bad mother and had a hard life. This is a kid who's gotten everything he's wanted.

I hope some of this has made sense.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:21 PM on May. 29, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (22)
  • Turn his damn phone off! Stop babying him. Make rules and stick to them. If he cant follow them kick his sorry ass out. He's an adult and its time he starts acting like one and being treated like one,
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 5:23 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • Yep, turn the phone off. Get rid of cable.
    emmyandlisa

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 5:31 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • I tried to kick him out, husband is going against the rules we make and won't let me kick him out.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 5:32 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • Easy for u to say mommy of two388! U poster need to stop stressing! U need to have a long talk with hubby! U 2 need to be together on him getting a job and paying for his own gas! Does he have car insurance? If the phone u r talking about is a cell phone,u can turn it off,he can still get voicemails on it!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:33 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • Hey! mommy of two388-R your kids toddlers? They must be,u have no idea what this mom is going through unless u went through it yourself!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:34 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • the phone: advise your son you will pay for one more month of service and then he has to take over payments for his part....probably $50 at most a month.
    the sleeping: convince him to take vitamin
    the husband: ignore....i am the disciplinarian in my house and my husband just shared: they might hate me. Good grief. I feel as the mom I can't give up and I do feel your pain
    the college: give 2 choices like, you don't have to go but then your must work and then you are out in 2 months
    Use as guide, fill in the time frames.

    I have a child in a great college, doing poorly. It really makes me mad but I keep my cool. Never say I told u so. I hope she chooses to finish but right now she is questioning her place in life. ugh. The other kid is teen w/Down syndrome and we think autism (now of all times) husband is useless. I chose to get preg, to marry the loser but will never give up on the kids. I emphathise.
    ClaudiaJ

    Answer by ClaudiaJ at 5:47 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • Hey anonymous. My parents did the very same thing with my brothers. My brothers were lazy and disrespectful and got away with everything and they were over 18. I've seen it first hand.
    mommy_of_two388

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 6:21 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • I only had one and he was a serious handful. Anger issues from childhood issues in school, diagnosed with a terminal illness at 17 ... I struggled with discipline the entire time he was growing up. Dad was a softy and mom came across as a hardass. It's not easy but you have to take a stand, starting with your husband. Tell him you are tired of him undermining you at every turn. Your boy is an adult and about time he started acting like one. You will need to make it clear that you love them but you are tired of all the bullshit and disrespect you are receiving.

    I do wish you much luck because what you are facing is not and will not be easy.
    SpiritedWitch

    Answer by SpiritedWitch at 6:36 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • U have seen it first hand and that is different when u r the one dealing with it! Your parents faced it and dealt with it,not u!!! mommy of two388!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:15 PM on May. 29, 2011

  • I think I've going in the right direction. I found a good article online about how to deal with adult children and created a contract with my two sons along with a form my one son can fill out to keep track of jobs he's applied for. I think I have my husband on the same page, but it feels this way every week. In a week, if you want, post here and I'll update how it's going. It was interesting what I found when googling "my adult child won't work" Seems it's a generation we've created and quite common
    Here's the contract:
    Rules of the House:
    Bry will be up by 9am showered and out of the house applying for at least 4 jobs (write down where you applied, the contact name, number along with status and when to check back whether they are hiring).
    Bro will be up by 8am, showered and ready to go to work.
    Chores: Before TV, Xbox, Phone or anything else:
    Bry: Mow the lawn, whack weeds then sweep driveway and walkway
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:23 PM on May. 29, 2011

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