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How can I get my daughter and husband to see how they treat me is wrong?

My daughter is exactly like my husband...disrespectful and selfish. Although, my husband is changing for the better my 22 year old daughter puts me down like her father use to. She knows her father will do anything for her emotionally and asks as if she doesn't care about me because she can only respect and love one parent at a time. My husband denies taking care of her emotional needs. Like making her work lunch (for which she should do herself at 22) when I don't because she told me to go #$%@ myself the night before. My daughter does not see she treats her father with the utmost respect and treats me horribly. When ever we would talk together she would make hand gestures by rolling her hands as if to say "get to the point." When I ask her why she does this to me, her reply is "because I don't feel like hearing your long stories." No matter how much I try to shorten my stories it is never good enough.

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Asked by Anonymous at 6:43 AM on Dec. 9, 2008 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (21)
  • Being your daughter is disrespectful to you and 22 years old, sounds to me like she needs to be getting herself out there in the real world. Since it's your husband that she respects, he should have a one-on-one talk with her about the way she treats you and just outright tell her that if she doesn't shape up, she's going to have to ship out. Tough love, hun...

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 7:15 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Didn't expect a quick reply, thank you. First, my husband says he will talk to her by going quietly into her room and claims he talked to her. He does this to appease me. But what he really is doing and I know this to be fact is he is telling her yes it was wrong but do me a favor and knock it off because I don't want to deal with this. In the past I have asked him for the both of us to sit down with my boys and my only daughter when these things were being done (boys not that often) his reply is "NO" I will talk to them. By me being there he claims makes the situation worse. It was a controlling tactic that I now know is true. As for her moving out, totally out of the question as far as her father is concerned. We has this plan to help his children to the point that they no longer need his help. Her attitude is that her father is the bread winner of this house. I make a good living and pay some bills too.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:33 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • I think your dd needs a reality check and a taste of the real world...
    I think that maybe you should tell her it's time to move out and live her life her way...
    That that this is your house and she needs to respect you...
    That her father does not make all of the the decisions and that she is 22 yrs old and is old
    enough to take care of her own needs...

    Give her 30 days and see what happens... now being that she has treated you like this for a while, it won't be an over night change and she will try to get her dad to side with her...

    Good Luck

    Answer by gmasboy at 7:34 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • You need to find a good counselor and get your mind straight. The problem begins with your dh--not your dd. He has set the tone of respect in your home. Then work into family counseling. Until you and dh are on the same page, it isn't going matter about dd--she will do what she has seen and is allowed to do. Your only other option is to set your boundaries and stick with them no matter how upset the rest get. Check out a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud. I think that is a good place to start. My sister is in similar position with one of her daughters. I told both her and her dh that the first time my daughter talked to me the way this girl does, she would be getting her happy little butt out my front door!! People treat us to a large extent the way we teach them or allow them---and it is up to us to set new "boundaries".

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:00 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • At 22 your daughter has the right to also move out of your house if she isn't respectful. But your husband needs to also be the one to step in and say something if she listens to him. Have him sit at the table with you and you start the conversation. He only needs to tell her to please listen and be respectful...ect. Here is the bottom line, one day your daughter will move on and have her own family and life. Your husband will not be part of that daily life she has. So he can either choose to allign with his wife, the person he will forever have a life with, or he can choose to have a life without you. At least that would be me. I need a husband who has my back. Not to speak for me but to back me up. Oh, and family therapy.

    Answer by frogdawg at 2:06 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • I have a 20-yo that I'm struggling with myself and I sure hope you are able to work it out. I don't have a husband to either back me up or interfere so I don't know if I'm better off than you or not. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Keep in mind that your boys are going to be watching how you handle this, and if you give up and allow yourself to continue to be treated badly, get ready for a number of years to come with the same from them.

    Answer by jburg2541 at 2:24 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • 22 yrs old huh? my mom would of slapped the hell out of my face thats what she would of done. she needs to grow the hell up you are her mother and there is no need for her to be disrespecting you in your own home. but my mom is old school i was taught no matter what that i was not to disrespect her or any other adult especially in there own home . i love my mom very much and i cant imaging your daughter treating you like this maybe you need to kick her out shes old enough to live on her own.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:32 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • I want to thank all of you for all your support. I never imagined so many responses in such little time.
    I am going to take all of this under advisement. I have already explained my position to my husband.
    As for my daughter who is walking on egg shells, let her stew in her own juices for a little while until the shoe drops. I have told my husband that there will not be anymore discussions by him alone. I must be present and part of the talk because it is me that this is happening to and that he must take my side because of who I am in his life. I will be in touch with all of you again. One last ? though, does "DD" stand for dad? God Bless you all !

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:33 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • As far as "old school" is concerned. That is the difference between my husband and I. I was brought
    up with having respect and with a mother and father in the picture. As for my husband his mother mostly raised him. I am not making excuses for him, but I think that is part of his problem. He loves me very much but he goes about keeping harmony in the wrong manner. He refuses to comprehend
    the fact that this problem exists and that telling someone not to do it anymore is not going to work. You all should come over for coffee and lay it to him, LOL!

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:53 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • DH=dear husband
    DD=dear (?:-) daughter

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:26 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

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