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How do I get my Ex to understand his girlfriend should not spank our children?

I have two kids from my ex husband. Its going on two years now and since the beginning we have agreed that my boyfriend nor his girlfriend would spank our kids. I dont have to use physical force to make them mind me why should they? I found out about this spanking and called him right away. He denied any knowledge of the spanking. He told me he would find out and call me back, but felt like maybe the kids were lieing. I text him sometime later, asking had he spoken to her, he called within seconds yelling and screaming at me. He said she spanked him for jumping on the couch. I dont believe he should have been spanked for that reason not to mention by her. I don't want my kids going back, I don't trust it won't happen again.

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Asked by shelbylynn102 at 7:31 AM on Dec. 9, 2008 in General Parenting

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Answers (23)
  • Remind him of the agreement that the two of you made to where your boyfriend and his girlfriend would not be able to spank the children. I'd give it another couple of times and then I'd call CPS on her. Mind you, I don't see spanking as being abuse, but yet something needs to be done if both parents agree that no spanking should happen and that's about the only people who can put a scare into her (and your ex-DH to keep to your agreement).

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 7:41 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Well he is the father and so in house, as legally, as long as he does not leave a mark on your children (and his children as well) he can spank. Don't get me wrong, I hate spanking. I personally don't agree with spanking. EVER. For too many reasons to list. But you do have some say about his girlfriend. When someone who is not the parent spanks it can be considered assault. Tell him calmly that you believe spanking should not be used on the children you both share. Let him know you recognzie his role and respect that he is your children's father. But you will never tolerate a non parent spanking your child. You do have to be somewhat flexable in that any adult he dates will most likely scold your children for some behavior, no matter how silly it may sound to you. That you don't control. But physical punnishment you most certainly do.

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:47 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • I'm pretty sure that CPS considers spanking child abuse. Although then all of you would be in trouble not just her


    Answer by Anonymous at 8:24 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • I believe that whoever is responsible for children should have the freedom to discipline and enforce the rules of their homes. When we first had grandchildren, this was the only stipulation for our keeping them. Permission was granted. We have had to spank but very few times, but I can take those children anywhere I choose to, and they are ladies and gentlemen. If this lady does not allow jumping on the sofa at her house, then it should not be tolerated. She is also teaching your children that when the rules don't match what you are used to, you still have to obey the rules. I think this is a good thing.

    Answer by NannyB. at 8:28 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Your son is 7 and your daughter is 10. They are pushing potential step mommy's buttons and she is reacting as best she can. She doesn't have the years of discipline and obedience behind behind her. So they are testing how far they can push her. Your ex isn't backing her up since once minute he is calling the kids liars and the next time he is freaking out. He needs to grow up and get behind his girlfriend whom he should not be using as a babysitter when he is not there. You need to tell your kids that when they are at Daddy's house they better play by Daddy's rules, and never let them know that you have a problem with the girlfriend or they will use it to make everybody's life hell.  Settle this now. A seven year old knows better than to be jumping on a couch!


    Answer by LoveMyDog at 8:48 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • CPS does not consider spanking abuse. As long as you don't leave a mark and only use the palm of your hand. And if he allows her to do it then there is nothing you can do about it. I think all you can do is contact your divorce atty and see if he/she can have visitation changed or the no spanking rule added to your custody papers.

    Answer by matthewscandi at 9:51 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • It might not be considered abuse by law but that doesn't make it right. She has no business doing that IMO. Maybe you should try talking to them about being consistent with discipline and suggest the methods you use....agree to give one warning and then the second time a 5 minute time out, and the third time losing a privilege like tv or something along those lines.

    Answer by sbastille at 10:20 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • A verbal agreement is not good enough. You need a parenting stipulation ordered by the court. Who has sole custody? That person sets the rules for the kids and will be enforced by law enforcement. YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT IN WRITING!!

    Answer by Babylove76 at 10:25 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • i agree with nanny b...... whoever is in charge of the kids should have the right to discipline them as they see fit without the abuse factor .... was a bruise left or did he have welts'/// red marks.?? i think you don't want her spanking because she's your ex's gf.. and that's childish... she deserves respect just the same as you do ....just because she spanked your son dosn't mean she didn't have the right to if jumping on the counch isn't allowed he should have listened

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:26 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • isn't 7 and 10 too old for a spanking?...and imo, isnt' 7 and 10 too old to be jumping on the couch...
    Speak to your ex...remind him of the agreement...and speak to your child, and remind him to be respectful...

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:01 AM on Dec. 9, 2008

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