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If you know the relationship is unhealthy, but also can't stand the thought of leaving him, what do you do?

it's like being pulled in two directions. i'm almost positive without a shadow of doubt that there is no saving this marriage. the signs have been here all along and i've kept lying to myself that it would eventually work out. we had an explosive argument last night, to where he screamed at me, which he's never done before, but in front of the kids. we tried to talk about the problems again when they went to bed but it just led to more arguing. clearly we're both set in our ways, we're both wrong in eachother's eyes, there is no room for compromise anymore. he didn't come to bed last night either. i'm not sure what to expect when he comes out of the mancave, but i'm mentally prepared for him to say he's leaving, going back home to finish counseling (Ptsd/Depression) and he'll come back after that. but that's not acceptable anymore, he can't keep coming and going when things get tough, that confuses the kids, and i don't want to imagine what he's doing when he doesn't have us "up his ass" (which is how he feels, although in our 2 years of marriage he's only lived in our household for 6 months of it), that drove me crazy last time. anyway i know leaving is good and right, but i also know that this is it for me if he leaves again. i also know staying isn't good either. but if it's the best thing for everyone why does thinking about being alone, raising our 3 daughters on my own, not having him sleep next to me anymore, make me nauseous and really sad?

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 7:41 AM on May. 30, 2011 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • You need counseling so you can bring yourself to leave. My ex and me were kinda the same. I knew for a long time our marriage was over but the idea of supporting the kids and raising them on my own scared me. Counseling did help me, and the therapist also pointedme in the right direction where I could get some assistance when I did leave.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 7:43 AM on May. 30, 2011

  • I cannot tell you how many times friends of mine believed their marriages are over. In the worst times it feels hopeless. Thing is small things get so huge when you don't let them go. You need to believe he needs to be there and talk to him about it. Tell him what you're telling us that you're afraid you guys can't work it out. Ask him about counseling for the two of you. Tell him the responibilities don't end and that door isn't revolving. Ask him for a commitment and make him promise to try. I think it's best too if you try to work it out. You can both learn to communicate better and respect each other. I know when I went through counciling I learned often times half of what he was saying was different than what I heard. You need to try and put in th effort. It's not too late.
    chgomom

    Answer by chgomom at 7:57 AM on May. 30, 2011

  • He's jealous of the kids because you have a good relationship with them and he feels left out. Try to include him and help him discover new ways to be close to them. Be open and honest and talk to him. Tell him you need couseling and you'd like him to not run off and fix things.
    chgomom

    Answer by chgomom at 8:12 AM on May. 30, 2011

  • when in a relationship that has so many ups and downs
    try to not think of good things or the bad
    think of all the stuff in the middle - it is what makes most of your life
    are you happy when things are just normal tone (not great times, not bad times)
    think with your head on this
    your heart will try todecide when things are good or bad, but regulardaily routine times - is it bareable?
    fiatpax

    Answer by fiatpax at 8:38 AM on May. 30, 2011

  • i was in a BAD relationship before but wouldnt leave i was so in love and the whole thing was sooo wrong! it wasnt until one of my family members found out what was going on and told me MOVE OUT! and gave me a free place to stay and alot of support.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:02 AM on May. 30, 2011

  • Have you tried marriage counceling, I mean the both of you? From what I read, it sounds like you two never took enough time for each other. I could be wrong. I'm only going by what you wrote. I wish you the best.
    Jerzymom

    Answer by Jerzymom at 7:33 PM on May. 30, 2011

  • i have started seeing a therapist actually, only twice but weekly for my anxiety and found out i have ptsd also. he has hinted that my husband coming and going isn't the right thing to do, and that staying together isn't healthy for anyone. of course he'd never come out and tell me to leave, but i know from his subtle undertones that's what he thinks. it doesn't help that i just moved away from all my friends, but my parents are right around the corner and they're my only support system.
    tnm786

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 7:47 AM on May. 30, 2011

  • he did say that i don't put enough effort toward him and give it all to the kids. and i know he's right, but that's all i know. he hasn't been there for us for more than half of our marriage, so i was the one who had full responsibility of our girls - what does he expect? i feel like they are mine, and they are my priority. when he does something that upsets them i comfort them, not try to figure out why he did what he did. trying to soothe him, say the right things to not piss him off, is more work than i need. what incentive do i have to stay? especially when my efforts aren't appreciated by him. he's actually jealous of the kids and how much of my attention i give them. but i've had to overcompensate for his lack there of. and then for him to say we're up his ass? i'd like to know how, i really would. if he wants my attention, acting like a jerk to our kids is not the way to get it, only a way to push us all away.
    tnm786

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 8:01 AM on May. 30, 2011

  • oh- then he pulls the mental health card all the time, as if i'm going to feel sorry for him. i have ptsd too and i can control myself with very little effort. i hate that he uses his disorders as an excuse to be a shitty father/husband. and he also thinks his problems are "worse" and "harder" and mine are less significant than his.
    tnm786

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 8:04 AM on May. 30, 2011

  • What is it people say on here..something like "put your big girl panties on".. Relationships end, people move on, children adjust; it happens everyday. We've all been there and done that. It's hard but its for the best.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 9:12 AM on May. 30, 2011