Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Where does a MIL fit in ?

My new daughter in law acts like she cannot make up her mind...

One minute she is complaining that I " stick my nose into everything and need to back off" ( refering to if I ask ANYTHING about the grandkids... I even get a sigh or a grrr if I ask if she had a nice day at work) ...

BUT , then if she wants me to do something ( like pay the babysitter, or now, fire the babysitter) then I can ask whatever I want about the kids ( basically she is sweet as can be ) ...

It drives me crazy.

My son came to me not to long ago because they were having alot of marriage problems and he needed advice.... she blew up and was so mad....

but then got the idea that i would pay for marriage counsiling and suddenly she is willing to talk and talk and talk about their marriage....

when I cant pay for the counsiling, she says I am sticking my nose in again.

I have no right to know things about the grandkids unless she wants me to know...

I heard one of them hacking and coughing and wanted to know if he was sick and she replied " if they were sick enough for you to know about, you would know"

well today she wants to tell me all about how sick he is and wants me to take him to the DR.

i am not sure if maybe she has different personalities or what but this is driving me crazy !!!

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:11 AM on Jun. 2, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Answers (9)
  • Well i try to be supportive.. as in when i simply ask " did you have a nice day at work" when I see her, and she will literally do a growl- sigh then and act like I asked her something too personal....

    that is why i feel this way, I feel like I try to be nice and supportive and such, and it doesnt work... so therefore I dont even know how to act when I am around her.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:20 AM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • You said your son came to you for advice on their marital problems. That right there should tell you what's going on.

    I remember that it took me a while to get used to my MIL ... I love her to death NOW but for the longest time, I felt she was constantly interfering with us and how we were trying to raise our son. I also felt the same about my parents. Now I see that they were just trying to be helpful and honestly, just being grandparents.

    Answer by SpiritedWitch at 8:24 AM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • She wont accept me on

    but I do understand what you are saying.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:26 AM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • My policy with my sons' wives has always been to talk directly to them. I don't ask questions of the daughters-in-law, and they seldom call me for anything. If they need something from me, the sons do the asking. I have found that this works very well. I don't think their wives think of me as a meddler or as being nosey or bossy.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:03 AM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • Keep your distance, be pleasant and interested. Don't do anything for them that you are not comfortable with or can not afford. They are adults. She sounds immature and controlling. Over time she will see that you are not a threat and things may get better. I just got the hang of being a MIL over the last year and they have been married for 8 years now!! And my DIL is a great girl. GL!!

    Answer by whitepeppers at 9:04 AM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • It sounds like you might be living together and if not it seems like you have a lot of contact with your DIL. I would suggest more distance between the two of you. What might not seem like meddling to you might be to her. Also, I can understand your DIL's issue with your son going to "mommy" when he has marriage problems. Like it or not, a mom is going to be biased toward their own child. When our marriage was rocky I hated my husband going to my MIL, but a lot of that had to do with the fact that she liked to share our personal lives with everyone she knew (which is why now she doesn't get to know much of anything). Let her come to you with things, instead of asking her, if she wants to share with you she will. Good luck (c:


    Answer by scout_mom at 9:30 AM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • Like it or not, a mom is going to be biased toward their own child.
    Ha! Just the opposite with MY mother ... the woman took my hubby's side! Seriously! And they were pissed at him because we got married so very young! Figure that one out.

    OP ... you didn't say how long they have been married. You did say "new" and they are already having issues so it is most likely a bad case of insecurity on her part. Even if they were living together before, having a MIL is a new thing and it does take getting used to. Did you cozy up to your new MIL at first?

    I agree with scout_mom ... distance may be the answer right now.

    Answer by SpiritedWitch at 10:21 AM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • No we do not live together, we actually live in seperate towns....

    They have been married for a little less than a year ( but have 3 kids under the age of 3 lol ) ....

    She has acted like this since I met her , and her mother told me she just has a "cold" personality and even told me that her last mother in law ( this is her second marriage) was cut out of her life after she had the "audactiy" to ask to be in the delivery room when her oldest was born.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:25 AM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • I would try to put some distance between the two of you. If you live in different towns, in what circumstances are you asking her about her day or about the kids or what have you? On the phone? I would quit calling, or call at times when you expect to get your son and not her, and if she calls you to vent I would honestly screen some of those calls out. Take some space for yourself- or make her give you some space if she's the instigator of the contact. I would also try to stay out of her business and avoid discussing her with other people- you've already said that your son came to you to complain about his marriage and you talked to her mom about her being a cold person. Honestly, if I was to know or suspect those conversations, that might make me hostile towards my MIL too. I wouldn't talk about her with anyone- just tell your son you are staying out of it should he raise the subject.

    Answer by Freela at 9:00 PM on Jun. 2, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.