My husband and I married two and a half years ago, after his wife of 31 years left him for another man. This is my third marriage, and his second. I have no children of my own. He has 3 grown daughters, 3 grandchildren with one on the way, and 2 step grandchildren. We live in the house he shared with his family for more than 15 years. His daughters basically grew up here. But they all moved away several years ago into their own homes with their significant others.
From the very beginning of our marriage his daughters have continued to view "our" home as being "their home" still. The first few months we were married 1 of them walked in on us twice in the middle of a romantic tryst, and another walked in while we were in a bubble bath together. I was shocked, and totally embarrassed and I asked him to please change the locks on the doors so that wouldn't happen again. They thought it was funny. I think he may have mentioned to them once that they needed to call before they visited. But, they continue to just walk in anytime they are around, never feeling the need to knock. That has snowballed to the degree that they even help themselves to any groceries in the pantry, or drinks in the fridge without asking if it is ok. I was taught as a child that was rude. But because they were raised in the house we live in, they still feel like it is "their" home, and they can do whatever they want.
I have tried telling my husband many times how much that bothers me, and crosses a boundary. But he is so passive, he won't say anything to them. Because this issue has continued to snowball, I finally let it fester to the point of exploding the other day on his oldest daughter and her son. I have been tutoring him in the afternoons, as well as, getting him on the bus in the morning since the bus doesn't run by his house. So, he eats breakfast here 4 days a week, then comes in from school, I tutor him, and then he eats dinner here as well.
Because they still feel like this is their home, anytime I have cooked a meal they automatically assume it is ok for them to eat, never asking, and never contributing to a meal or buying sodas. I am now cooking for 4, instead of 2 all of the time.
The other day, not only did she help herself to the casserole I had made, which I always make enough for my husband to take some for lunch the next day...her dad offered her some to take for her lunch. So, I filled a small dish, and gave it to her. She promptly got up, went to the stove, and put more into the dish that I had just filled for her, without asking, which left only a small amount for her dad to have for lunch. She is aware I always fix his lunch! Because she has a good for nothing boyfriend at home who does little for anyone but himself, my feeling is she got extra to take home for him to eat. Even my mother in law found that extremely rude...and she hates the way her granddaughters are taking advantage.
The next day, she came to pick her son up, opened the door, never saying hello to me at all, and the first thing out of her mouth was "where are the boys?" When she came back in with them, she went straight to the stove, and helped herself to dinner. (She is pregnant!) She never asked if it was ok for her to eat, or if we had eaten, or if we were going to eat. She just helped herself. Normally I feed her son around 4:30, which meant he would have already eaten before she got to the house. But because her schedule changed, she gets off earlier, and it was around 3:30. Her son was playing in the floor with some cars (he is 8 and failed the first grade, which is why I have been tutoring him.)
As soon as she had her plate filled, she started filling his plate, and called him to come and eat! It flew all over me, and I finally exploded, which I shouldn't have done. I let it fester, and it got to me all at once. I grabbed her son's plate from her hands, filled it, and sat it down on the bar where he usually sits. She was yelling "what is your problem"...and "why did you do that"? I just walked out! I was so angry I was spitting nails.
Of course, my husband was appalled, and yelled at me for my behavior, and I finally spewed. I have tried talking to him before about the boundaries that I feel are being crossed, but he hasn't heard me, and hasn't done anything about it. His mother TOTALLY agrees with me, and says he should have set boundaries for them the first year we were married. She, too, wanted him to change the locks.
I have busted my tail to "get along", and create a happy environment, and do things for his daughters and his grandkids. But now I am so resentful, I don't even want them around, unless some boundaries are established.
Can someone tell me how to establish boundaries without making everyone mad? I know I have the right to and I have told him that they are disrespecting him, and me! And I think it is up to him to say something but he hasn't. Any suggestions?
Answer by mom2mybabes at 12:08 PM on Jun. 2, 2011
Answer by Cassidysmom611 at 11:14 AM on Jun. 2, 2011
Answer by Melbornj at 10:56 AM on Jun. 2, 2011
Answer by Melbornj at 11:34 AM on Jun. 2, 2011
Answer by Melbornj at 12:06 PM on Jun. 2, 2011
Answer by mom2mybabes at 12:11 PM on Jun. 2, 2011
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