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Is it ok for me to referrence another persons post - birthmom and gifts?

I read that post and the responses....attn: Birthmom's >> this is why your open adoptions get closed....you think you still have the last say so. I felt the Amom was totally justified in suggesting gifts of another type rather than expensive stuff that ultimately will be passed on to someone else or thrown away...and the Bmom's response "she'll send whatever she wants". Well I just wanted to point that out to all the people who post and ask "Why do open adoptions close?" This is why....you think you are still the one making the decisions and you're not. Am I the only one who got that? If you want to financially gift your child...start a college fund with all that tennis shoe/clothes money. That's a gift that keeps on giving!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:51 PM on Dec. 9, 2008 in Adoption

Answers (51)
  • I'm not an adoptee, nor have I have relinquished or adopted but it seems to me that if the birth mother's giving gifts for her child albeit over the top and perhaps too often for the aparents' tastes is a reason to close an open adoption that seems unreasonable to me especially if the birth mother would not have relinquished in the first place if she had known the adoption would be closed.
    miriamz

    Answer by miriamz at 5:13 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Really? That's the reason. Thanks for the heads up...except I never sent any presents...ever. Ok thanks for playing the "know it all" game. Try again. That is NOT why every open adoption closes. The majority of ppl I have talked to (as well as myself) only had semi open to begin with (no exchange of last names, addresses, phone numbers, nor visits). We only got pictures and updates. Those stopped & it wasnt because I was demanding or snotty to the aparents. If you can think of any more reasons, please please let me know because I'd looove to know why I am havent got any pictures in years.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:19 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Miriamz -- any person who thinks they can tell you what they are going to do no matter what you think of it is totally out of line. The woman clearly thinks there is no boundary she has to abide by. I support open adoption....but people on here ask all the time why open adoptions are closed and I felt this was ONE example of why....I don't care who you are, if I ask you kindly not to do something and you tell me you'll do what you want....we have a problem, whether we're talking about adoption or anything else that pertains to what I allow in my home. And as for my Anon poster above, I didn't say this was the ONLY reason to close...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:06 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • I guess it boils down to this....if I am the Amom, if you as the Bmom can go along with my parenting plan, great...let's enjoy seeing this young person grow into a great man or woman. If you think you are going to tell me how to raise this young person and you feel you have just as much or more say so than me.....I feel if I disguss it with you and tell you how I feel and give you suggestions on how to make things work....when you totally disregard that...it underminds the Aparents and Aparents with the best of intentions aren't going to continue to have someone tell them how to raise their child. And, it is THEIR child...at least till that child is 18 years old. Then they can do what they want.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:12 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • What I'm saying is that to use gift giving as a basis for closing an adoption seems unreasonable to me. Would the birth mother have given the baby to those parents if she would have known that they could or would close the adoption? If the answer is no then I think that is something to think long and hard about. It seems to me that an agreement to keep an adoption closed is basically a farce and the AParents can just throw that out the window at any time. It seems like it's just a ploy to get moms to give their babies up even though the AParents have no legal obligation to follow through with it. For the record I have given birth to two beautiful children and and pregnant with my third. My marriage hit a rough spot and I considered adoption very briefly but when I read the posts on here I was convinced that even if my marriage did fall apart hat I couldn't give up this baby.
    miriamz

    Answer by miriamz at 6:20 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Sending a lot of expensive gifts doesn't sound to me like she's trying to tell the AParents what to do. She is not respecting their feelings or requests but that isn't telling them what to do. It seems to me that perhaps there is insecurity on both sides.
    miriamz

    Answer by miriamz at 6:23 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • I can agree to some extent. I know that since I surrendered, I have no say whatsoever in how she is raised or where she goes or what she does. I understand that. I have heard stories about birth mothers that overstep their boundaries. I cannot even begin to understand that mentality. I would never push and push like that. I try like hell not to step on any toes. I only sent gifts once, on her first birthday and they told me never again so it didn't "confuse her". They want to live in 1950's adoptionland, fine with me. All I wanted to do was let her know that me and her big sis still thought about her. To sit there and say that most of the time they close because we still try to push and push and be the parent is a flawed thought. They close because sending pics and accepting that the child has another set of parents just becomes too much of a hassle to some AP's.
    randi1978

    Answer by randi1978 at 6:24 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Randi I get that impression as well that some AMoms want to pretend like their baby appeared out of nowhere and that there wasn't another mom who carried them for 9 months and gave birth to them.
    miriamz

    Answer by miriamz at 6:28 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • miriamz -- did you read the post and responses I am referring to? The Amom specifically asked the Bmom to not send the gift ALL THE TIME but that gifts on special occasions were welcome. When the Amom asked the Bmom to not send them all the time her response was that she would do what she wanted. I am not saying if a Bmom sends gifts to her kids that it is a reason to close...please read the post I am referring to. I think it's great that a Bmom would send gifts, but if Amom says, you're sending too much or please send things like family trees or scrapbooks of family instead of expensive gifts and Bmom tells her no, that she'll send what she wants, when she wants....Uhm that's overstepping your boundaries.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:39 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • Oh and miriamz...you yourself said "she isn't respecting their feeling or requests"... is that not enough of a reason in itself to tell someone to take a hike? I guess I feel like this in all aspects of my life and adoption is just part of that.....I am going to be respectful to you, if you want to be respectful to me, great. If you choose not to...then let's talk about it and see if we can reach a solution...if not, ok, great....have a nice life.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:44 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

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