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5 Bumps

How can they not think of us as a mother?

How can adoptees not think of their first moms as their mothers? They bonded with us for nine months in our womb. That should make a bond that should last forever. How can they think of their adoptive parents as their real parents? If it weren't for us, they wouldn't be born.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:27 PM on Jun. 2, 2011 in Adoption

Answers (41)
  • If it wasn't for the adoptive parents they would be who they are today. Not trying to be mean, or offend anyone. You may have given them up for a good reason, but the adoptive parents are all they know. Get back at you. Trying to word this where it won't sound harsh.

    Answer by babygirl0782 at 9:35 PM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • They built a bond for 9 months as infants that has never lived outside the womb and grow to bond with someone else breaking that bond.

    birth moms are mothers no doubt but 9mos in the womb compared to several years growing with someone as mom is a different feeling/bond/

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:41 PM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • The adoptive moms are there for the child when they are happy, sad, sick, etc. They put in a lot of time and effort on the child. I have several friends that were adopted and this is how they felt. Some of them were curious about their birth mothers. I have known some that didn't want to have anything to do with their birth moms. I hope you don't think that I am being mean. Birth mothers give up their babies for various reasons--the most honorable of which, is the mother who gives up her child hoping that the adopting parents will give her baby a better life than the birth mom/parents could give the child.

    Answer by dustbunny at 9:42 PM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • I don't want to sound cruel, but I have always felt that it does not take a sperm and an egg to make a parent, but it's who loves you and takes care of you that is a parent.

    Answer by attap5 at 9:44 PM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • The birth mom will always be the mom no matter what anyone says or feels. It doesn't matter why the adoption happened or how. A child will grow up always wondering where they came from. And many need to seek their own truth. I found my dad who took off. Was I disappointed? Yes. But did I need to find him anyway. Yes. I dont regret it. There should always be respect from both sides.

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 9:50 PM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • My younger brother is an adoptee, he is biologically my cousin. When my aunt could not take care of him and one of his siblings they came to live with us, he was 1 or 2. When my dad got orders to move to another state we adopted my brother and his other brother went back to my aunt. My brother has known his whole life who is "real" mom is but he still sees our family, my mom, dad, and older brother as his immediate family because we have been here for him and have helped him become the person he is. He calls my aunt her name to her face, not mom, because that doesn't feel right to him, she didn't raise him, feed &clothe him, help him with homework, ECT. He tells people that she is his "biological mother."
    Even when biological mothers give up their child for the honorable reasons children that don't have contact with them don't feel a connection with them because they spend thier lives bonding with their adoptive famiy.

    Answer by MommyYeoman at 10:03 PM on Jun. 2, 2011

  • I'm adopted. My BM has never taken care of me, has never been there for me, and has made it pretty clear that she sees me as the reason her life is shit because she calls me her "dirty secret." Why would I think of that woman as anything remotely close to a mother?

    Any guy can make a baby, it takes a man to be a father. The same goes for women. And chick can crap out a child, it takes a real woman to be a mother. Just because she gave birth doesn't make her a mother, that is a title that should be earned.

    Answer by mrsziemann at 12:19 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • First of all I don't think your question is genuine. I think it's supposed to start debate. But, I'm game to debate you. There adoptive parents are 'real" as are their birth parent. Their adoptive parent really raised them, and their birth parents really birthed them. Their adoptive siblings are real siblings, their adoptive grandparents are real grandparents and of course their aparents are really their parents. Also, their birth sibling are their real sibling etc, and their birth heritage is undoubtedly their real heritage. (see the book of Exodus and Moses).


    Answer by onethentwins at 2:12 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • Cont...However, there are adoptees that reject their birth parents on the basis that their birth parents gave them away. The norm is that parents would die for them, so how could a good parent give them away to strangers?
    Adoptees in search are oftenasked "she didn't want you then, why would she want you now"? Adoptees are told them were unwanted.
    Who would belive that a person who should be willing to die for them, but instead gave them away to strangers would think of that person as "mother"?

    Answer by onethentwins at 2:18 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • cont: but the truth is many adoptees do think of us as mother. As Nancy Verrier, adoptive mother and leading expert in adoptee issues has to say: There exists a great need for legislative action and concern for the rights of adoptees. But few dare give voice to that which they know in their hearts: that the connection between biological mother and child is primal, mystical, mysterious, and everlasting. Far more than merely biological and historical, this primal connection is also cellular, psychological, emotional, and spiritual. So deep runs the connection between a child and its mother that the severing of that bond results in a profound wound for both, a wound from which neither fully recovers. In the case of adoption, the wound cannot be avoided, but it can and must be acknowledged and understood.


    Answer by onethentwins at 2:22 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

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