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Why do some Person/s who have Adopted a Child/ren. Never wish to tell a Child/ren they were Adopted. And other Person/s who Adopted a Child/ren, will be honest and tell that Child/ren they are Adopted?

Why do some Person/s who have Adopted a Child/ren. Never wish to tell a Child/ren they were Adopted. And other Person/s who Adopted a Child/ren, will be honest and tell that Child/ren they are Adopted?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:13 AM on Jun. 3, 2011 in Adoption

Answers (12)
  • Here's my train of thought.

    If you adopt a child when he/she is young, and your family is all that child knows, then if you tell them later on that they were adopted, you're opening up a whole new HUGE can of worms for that kid. Suddenly, they have to wonder why their birth mom didn't want them, if you want them as much as your other kids..and if they really belong anywhere. It can have a profound impact on the entire family. Nobody wants to see their baby go through that.

    The people who decide to tell them have already thought this through and probably think that it is better for the kid if they are open about it, rather than the kid finding out on their own later and feeling like the skeleton in the family closet.

    Then there's the "I want to meet my real parents." which will eventually come up, because we all long to know where we come from. Can you say stressful?
    MomofAlex99

    Answer by MomofAlex99 at 3:25 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • I have a friend that has adopted 8 children. She let's them know thast they are adopted but she feels if they go seek their birth mother it is betrayal to her because she did all the hard work (most of her kids were from foster care - bad homes and drug addicted mothers). So in her mind she is their mother. I understand it.
    Jazmineamomma

    Answer by Jazmineamomma at 3:50 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • well i believe if you do not tell the children then they will find out eventually. and if you are upfront they might want to seek the bio parents. either way i think it needs to be discussed before adopting. the adopted parents need to talk to see if they both feel the same way about it. and as the child grows they might change their minds. kids are not dumb they might catch on.
    lambdarose

    Answer by lambdarose at 5:48 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • The truth always comes out. I think its best to be honest and forthcoming about adoption from the beginning, and open to talkign about it as the child grows and has questions. I think everyone has a right to know where they have come from and who they are, I think it can lead to someone just never feeling whole and I could never have that guilt on my shoulders of living a lie of that magnitude, it can destroy people when they find out the truth later on in life rather than from the beginning, added to the fact that you have looked them in the eye all of their life pretending and lying.
    Princess_s21

    Answer by Princess_s21 at 7:01 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • It is just the basic and simple fact of all adopted children. They have two mothers and two fathers. They have two families ~ an entire natural family as well as the entire adoptive family. ALL people deserve to know their truth. If anyone considering adopting a child cannot accept this truth, they should not adopt. It is a natural desire for adoptees to know their first family, to know their genetic background, their ancestry, etc. When an adoptee speaks out about wanting to know their other family, it is not an act of defiance towards their adoptive parents or family, it's not a sign of any kind of failure on the part of the adoptive parents ~ it's not about their adoptive family at all. It's about their natural need to know, their RIGHT to know. When an adoptee is not told of their truth, and it comes out later in life, it usually causes permanent harm to the relationship with the a family because of the betrayal.
    susie703

    Answer by susie703 at 10:27 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • Of course we can only speculate.
    I think some people still have a stigma about adoption. They don't want their children to be labeled "Bastard", they think that any woman having sex and a child "out of wedlock" is incredibly shameful.
    Some are afraid that the adoptee will feel rejected and unwanted and hurt, and try to spare them.
    Some are afraid that the adoptee will want the birth family more than them. Particularly in the case of family adoption.
    There's all kinds of reasons, but anyone who had ever visited a forum of "Late Discovery Adoptees" know that secrets and lies in adoption can be devastating.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 2:38 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • As an adoptive mom, I could not imagine not telling my son the truth. I always want my son to know that he can trust me. Hiding the truth is never a good thing. I feel it is always important for a child to feel they can talk to their parents about anything. Being open and honest is always best. I never want him to feel he has to chose between his birth parents and adoptive parents. My son is being raised knowing the love all of us have for him. I agree that it is only natural for an adopted child to want to know or search for his/her birth parents. I would never think to take where my son came from away from him. Sadly some adoptive parents do hide the fact of adoption, and do not support searching for birth parents which is extremely sad and devastating for the adopted child. Putting the child first is most important. For me, adoption means 2 families coming together for the love of a child.
    Kellyjude1

    Answer by Kellyjude1 at 9:25 AM on Jun. 4, 2011

  • I was adopted and I've always known it. I don't remember my parents telling me because I was so young. I think it would be very wrong not to tell a kid they were adopted. If I didn't know and I somehow found out I'd feel betrayed. When I was around 12 I wanted to find out who my biological mother was. My mom was soooo against it. It caused problems with us back then and in a way it still does. Im 34 but she still acts like I'm a teenager when we argue. I still want to find my bio mom but I don't know if I ever will.
    FroggyFeet

    Answer by FroggyFeet at 6:07 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • This a question that I have thought about so often I go back and forward with telling or not to tell it's always been for us to wan the child to feel secure and loved and you here so many stories from adult children who were adopted and they say it didn't change anything for them .They could have gone without knowing they were adopted. It's a lot to consider when you'r considering adopting . I personally think it depends on the child and their stability. This is just my personal opinion.
    elle1922

    Answer by elle1922 at 4:22 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • Well they say truth sets you free. So I figure if truth is freedom then not speaking truth sets you in chains. I don't know about you...but I do not want that type of bondage to keep me down. I do not need to be fearful. To be free I have to not only tell truth but seek it.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 11:29 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

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