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2 Bumps

Verbal abuse

if someone is verbally abusive to their spouse, is there a possibility that person can be abusive to their children also?

my friend is in a very troubling situation. her husband is very verbally abusive, controlling, demeaning and patronizing to her. he treats the kids okay, he's not a soft teddy bear or anything but he doesn't hurt, hit or yell at them. so i think for this reason alone is why she's stayed as long as she has (they've been married a little over 2 years). well i guess she is just fed up with it, but stuck in another 9 months of their lease. she works at a daycare and her kids go to work with her for free, but the pay isn't much, he got out of the army in april and hasn't had any luck finding work yet, so he stays home but doesn't take care of the kids because they're with her at work.

anywho, we've been texting this morning and i welcomed her and her kids to stay with me. we live about 30 minutes apart now that i recently moved, but she has the car and the kids right now at work, and could very easily drive here after her shift. they only have one car so he can't exactly chase after her. i guess i'm really biased because my husband has ptsd and has emotionally abusive tendecies, and before he started receiving treatment i felt so stuck. i know how she feels and i want to help her in anyway i can.

she's worried if she takes off he'll destroy her kids' things. which is a possibility, he likes to break stuff when he's angry. but i told her, are "things" more important than your safety and a stable environment for the kids? and i explained i wasn't trying to be rude, just blunt. i told her i know leaving is scary, very scary, but she needs to get herself and her kids out of that situation, and if he refuses help for his anger then she shouldn't stand by any longer and take the abuse.

do you think i'm overstepping? i just want her to know she has a place to go, if needed. but i do think it's true that abusers of any kind do not always focus their abuse on one person.

 
tnm786

Asked by tnm786 at 9:42 AM on Jun. 3, 2011 in Relationships

Level 43 (159,608 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • No you arent. I was in an abusive relationship and it was because of friends like you that I found the courage to leave. Her kids are learning what a healthy relationship is from her and her husband. You need to run that home. Ask her if she wants her son or daughter in that sort of relationship because they feel it is normal since it is all they would know as normal? Things can be replaced. I had to start over myself. I would also encourage her to contact the DV hotline. They are trained to help women find the courage and self esteem they need to leave.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 9:45 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • Is she ready to leave and is she ready to move out now? If he is violent are you prepared for what can happen if she is ready to leave for the first couple months she should go to a shelter this will help with a place and keep her safe and afford her housing and legal advice free that she needs right now.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 9:57 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • ok call the police when u want to move her out.. but dont have you be there so he doesnt get the idea shes going to your house. :)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:00 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • Ur a concerned friend i think your right.. she needs to leave. Move her and the kids out in ONE day.. while he is at work! find someone with a big truck if not 2 and have ppl help.. Plan it out :)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:50 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • No, you aren't overstepping. She needs to be rid of that abusive man and keep her kids safe. I would help her get into a shelter, though, you don't want him coming to your home to get her and the kids, they are better off if he doesn't know where they are.
    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 10:01 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • I think you did the right thing, your being a good friend to her and trying to help but only she can take that step. I have known men and women in her situation and it isn't easy for them to leave , a lot of the people I know the abuser would and still do use the kids against the other person, but the abuser justifies their actions and words with they are tired of the other person not doing this and not saying or doing this to other people. sadly only the person being abused can take those steps to leave but you have done a great thing being someone she can come to and offering her help. way to go momma there are not many like you.
    momto4girzls

    Answer by momto4girzls at 10:18 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • I would make sure she gets all the important papers she needs to out of the house, or important things to her, she can do it discreetly, and just hide them in the trunk of the car.. have her do it at night when he is sleping or in the shower, that way he cant destroy the things that means alot to her since in his eyes she would be destroying the most important thing to him... ive dealt with it before, not im my own relationship, but a friend of mine as well...
    kgrine

    Answer by kgrine at 10:34 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • Remind her that EVERY single day she continues to live with him, is giving him silent permission to continue to treat her the way he does. It's called "Enabling". If she wants him to get help, she has to be willing to show him she is serious about not taking his abuse anymore, by leaving until he DOES get help. And then not returning to their home & relationship until much progress has been made. Many women I know moved right back in with their husband or boyfriend as soon as they started counseling, only to have the husband or boyfriend quit counseling. Afterall, they got their woman back, so why bother going anymore? She has a job, & there are agencies who will help her find affordable housing, help with food costs etc. If her Husband has any type of income, he will be forced to pay child-support as well. Her kids will grow up thinking it's okay for a man to treat their mom like this if she doesnt do something now.
    RubyinPA

    Answer by RubyinPA at 10:34 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • well whatever you choose to do to help her i hope it all comes to place goodluck
    Ricanmami1

    Answer by Ricanmami1 at 11:07 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • im glad you were able to get out of that situation gemgem. ill let her know about the DV hotline so thanks for that advice.
    tnm786

    Comment by tnm786 (original poster) at 9:49 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

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