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How would you punish her?

My almost 11yo daughter has some behavior issues. They were really bad for awhile but since we moved here I thought she had been behaving better but we still have issues with blatant defiance, backtalking and her thinking she can do whatever she want and ignore rules.

Today I got up and she was already "dressed" for school. Dressed meaning she was wearing a shirt (possibly clean, possibly not), her sister's dirty jeans and flip-flops. I told her to change and that she wasn't wearing her sister's jeans to school since her sister just wore them the last 3 days and had splashed in every puddle on our 2 mile walk home from the school yesterday (their brother had a music presentation last night and I don't have a car). I also don't allow them to wear flip-flops to school. It's not technically against the rules but they've asked kids not to wear them because they aren't safe for running in when at recess (not that I think she runs or anything, I'm sure she just stands around) but it's my rule.

She screamed at me, demanded to know why she had to change and argued with every reason I gave her. Then she wanted to know if she could go to some party after school with a friend (they're in 5th grade). I told her no since she argued and hasn't done any chores in days. So then she threw a fit and wanted to know why she should change if she can't go to the party (this is her typical behavior for everything--she demands rewards for doing simple things she should just do like brush her teeth, brush her hair, etc, she refuses to do most of those things).

I told her she was going to get a spanking (last resort when she refuses to behave) if she didn't go do what I told her and her friend was standing right there. She just smirked at me, daring me to actually get up and spank her. As soon as I got out of my seat she ran and locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out until she had to leave for the bus stop. I had gone to get dressed and when I came out of my room she was gone.

According to my 5yo she was still in her flip-flops and hadn't changed.

Just wondering what kind of punishment this behavior would get in other houses. She doesn't have much to take away (she's long since lost her DS, doesn't have a TV/radio/phone/computer in her room and isn't even allowed to use the computer, she's already had the xbox taken away, doesn't play with toys anymore) and is constantly grounded for one thing or another so that it doesn't faze her any more. She drives my blood pressure up. My other 3 kids behave rather well. They have their moments but usually they just do as their asked/told with minimal whining (usually the biggest fits are because they have to pick up the slack when the 11yo refuses to do chores or because they have to do chores while she sits there pouting).

This isn't about the clothe she wore. This is about her blatant disregard for rules and outright disobedience because I made it very clear that she needed to change and why.

Answer Question

Asked by justanotherjen at 11:24 AM on Jun. 3, 2011 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 26 (28,174 Credits)
Answers (16)
  • I resort to research papers on what happens with children when they become adults who don't learn to follow the rules of authority figures. Or writing whatever rule is broken however many times you think it might get through to her. You can take away her socialization for a while. Make her hold your hand walking her to/from school and tell her if she's going to act like a 5 year old, you will treat her like one.

    Answer by attap5 at 11:33 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • I really think that you should have her in for an evaluation and some counseling. In the meantime, Step up your involvement, if you have to go to school and sit beside her, then do it. If you have to take away all her clothes and give her 1 clean, appropriate out fit to wear every day, then do it. If you have to stand there and watch her brush her teeth and hair, do it. If you have to hold her hand and guide her through her chores, do it. Take control now, before you can't.

    Answer by Kimedbs at 11:37 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • I agree with kimedbs, sit down with just her, sit face to face, and tell her if she chooses to act like a 5yr old, then she'll be treated as such. Drive her to school every morning, lay out her clothes every evening. Take out the flipflops from the closet (along with the rest of her clothes), stand next to her every morning when she brushes her teeth, hair. Sounds like you keep pushing harder, the harder she pushes back. Don't let her out of your sight. Literally like if she was 5. Then I would start looking further than the foul attitude, is something going on at school? Friends change? Is she acting out for attention? HUGS to you momma, don't let it slip, you've got to get control right now, this instant. No hanging out after school, in bed by 830, etc.....

    Answer by ShelbysHope76 at 11:46 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • I agree with Kimedbs. You need to stay on top of her no matter what it is she's doing. Take her door off the hinges and do NOT let her have a moments peace, or privacy until you see that she's responding in a positive way. You have to or she's going to get worse and worse. Give her specific chores, and make sure she does them. Don't let her get away with her siblings having to do her chores, that's giving her power, even though she's sitting there pouting, she's controlling all of you. Message me if you need any suggestions, we have a teen, and I know what a challenge it can be.

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 11:53 AM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • I can only imagine if I did some of those things. First if I took away her clothes and offered her one outfit a day I would physically have to dress her which means wrestling her down from her top bunk (which I can't get up on) and getting her pajamas off and physically putting her in her clothes because she would NOT wear them voluntarily unless they are certain clothes. She has a dresser full of stuff but will only wear 2 pairs of pants and about 4 shirts. She just wears them over and over. If they are in her hamper and haven't been washed she will just take them out. I just did their laundry last week and their hamper was completely full already so she tossed all the clothes on the floor to find a shirt buried in the bottom. I'm not sure I can handle being kicked and punched while trying to dress her like a baby. She would rather go to school in her pajamas (which don't fit her).

    Comment by justanotherjen (original poster) at 12:01 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • I've also tried brushing her hair for her when she refuses. She either locks herself in the bathroom until she has to leave for school or climbs on her bunk where I can't reach her. If I do get ahold of her she screams in my ear, hits, kicks and throws a tantrum like a toddler which just knots her hair up even more. Then she starts screaming I'm hurting her and she's going to tell her teacher I do things to her and I'm mean so CPS will take her away to a family that will love her (she equates any rule I make that she does like as me not loving her and when she gets in trouble for not following said rules it's because I hate her and love her siblings more... they happen to follow the rules so they don't get in trouble).

    This is not a new thing. It's been getting progressively worse since she turned 3, peaking when she was about 9. She had been behaving better but she still has her moments. Obviously.

    Comment by justanotherjen (original poster) at 12:04 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • Also, you have to understand she shares a room with her 2 younger sisters. I can't just take the door off and punish them, too. This has been a major issue for awhile. When they were younger if I wanted to take all her toys away as punishment it meant I had to take ALL the toys away and her younger siblings were then punished for something they didn't do and had no control over. It's sad especially when my middle dd is the most agreeable, helpful child in the world. As I was yelling at the oldest about her lack of chores the 8yo piped up that she would clean the whole house after school (and she means it, she loves to be helpful and gets talked into doing chores for the oldest all the time).

    Comment by justanotherjen (original poster) at 12:07 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • It sounds like you have allowed her to have too much control. She should not get away with refusing to do anything you ask. If she won't obey stay right there until she does. Don't cave! She is used to you giving up so it may take her awhile until she gets the point. If my daughter had pulled that I would have gone and gotten her from school to make her listen so she doesn't think she can get away with just running away and going to school. I know you have mentioned not having a car to use before though. One of my 11 year old twins locked themselves in the bathroom once when they were younger and my husband told her that he would just take it off the hinges to "help her get out". He would have and she knew it. She came out and apologized. I also think that it is not a good idea to have your other kids help with things she is refusing to do. Holy resentment Batman! Good luck and stay consistent.


    Answer by Luuckymommy at 12:07 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • As for what I am doing... the flip-flops are being confiscated. She can have them back next weekend (maybe, if she behaves) and she's grounded all weekend (not that she will care).
    It's not so much that the other kids do her chores for her but that certain chores have to get done before any of them leave the house and she refuses to help so they do it all while she pouts. Of course she doesn't get to leave the house since she didn't help but it's still aggravating for them to have to do everything.
    And my husband had plans to take them to the beach this weekend but with her misbehaving he's decided not to which sucks for the other kids (and, no, he will NOT take them without me so I can't stay with her while they go). I also don't have a car so I cant drive her to school or anything like that. This is a constant thing with her and, yes, she needs counseling although I'm not sure how much help it would be.

    Comment by justanotherjen (original poster) at 12:09 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • is she on the autism spectrum by chance because she sounds alot like my daughter used to act..... I would suggest behavior therapy, taking the bunk beds apart so that she cannot retreat into them, taking the dirty clothes hamper out of her room when its full and putting it up somewhere so she cant get into the dirty clothes,lay her clothes out for school and dress her if you have too...use blocking techniquies if she fights you and llast but not least if she wont let you brush her hair cut it grows and she can learn to take care of it daughter is 12 and has aspergers,life got much easier when she learned to control herself better.

    Answer by michaux at 12:16 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

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