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I messed up and I need your advice to fix it!!!!! adult content

My DH has never cheated on me and well he's a recovering alcoholic. He's been doing great not a single drink in a long time and last night he was late I freaked out. He car pools with his cousins and his supervisor so if the supervisor has to stay last sometimes he does too and well last night he was 1 and 1/2 hours late. I started calling at first I was worried but by the 15th call and to be honest I was pushing redial I was pissed.  When he answered the phone I was angry and asked him in a very pissed off tone where are you?  He said over his cousins house which is fine by me.  I was still mad and asked why are you an hour late and he replied that the saw broke down at the mill and they had to work over to meet their goal, which is normal too. Then I went in to gripping about why he didn't answer the phone and he said because he emptied his pockets out and accidental left it in the car and as soon as they heard it ringing he answered it. Well I was still pissed and said fine when are you coming home and ladies my tone with him was pretty nasty so he started getting mad at me too. he said soon which pissed me off more because that's not an answer!!! so I said again when are you going to be home!!!and by that time I was yelling and not acting right and he said an hour!!! I said ok and hung up then an hour goes by and by that time it was 5 am which he works nights and usually gets home between 2:30 and 3 am and he wasn't home and didn't answer the phone so I started the redial again!!!! and he finally answered at 5:17 and said I'l be there in 3 min. well it only takes 20 min. to get home from his cousins, so I knew he waited til 5 to leave.  I was upset about that and when he got home he had been drinking. then he tried to blame me for his falling off the wagon!!! I agree that I didn't help but he's grown he knows not to drink because he can't just drink one so there's no telling how many he had his cousin called me and said he had 6 which is 6 too many for a recovering alcoholic and his cousin drove him home while his wife followed so he knows not to drink and drive!!! I'm upset with myself and my DH!  I could tell he didn't want to wake up and go to work today he told me that he loves me before he left and I know that he feels bad and that i shouldn't have gripped him out last night.he even said baby I would have come straight home if you wouldn't have pissed me off!!! I know I shouldn't have gone off what should I do? say? please help I'm really sorry for pour my problems out to you all and thanks in advance for your advice

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:41 PM on Jun. 3, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • Well it actually sounds like he also lied about working late then.. then drinking while being a recovering alcoholic is very very bad, then having a cousin who knows he is a recovering alcoholic giving him beers is worse.. I think or can only assume that the alcoholism has caused some issues with trust and your relationship which would be the reason you were this worried, upset , pissed.. which I think you had a right to be - maybe not to that extreme but it is NOT your fault he drank..
    maxsmom11807

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 5:45 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • Relax, first of all. You aren't the reason he started drinking again. You are an excuse. He has an addiction and if he's gone through recovery, he darn well knows why he drinks and he knows his pitfalls. Please think about finding yourself an Al Anon group or a Celebrate Recovery group in your area. You have to learn that no matter what you do, it is not your fault that he is drinking. It is his choice to pick up that bottle. If you want to talk or need help finding a group, please email me and I will hook you up. For now, do not nag. It will not help. And do not argue with him while he is drinking. If he apologizes for drinking and says he won't do it again, insist he go to AA if it isn't possible to go to a rehab.
    attap5

    Answer by attap5 at 5:46 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • You need to not take the blame for him drinking. If you take the blame than you are enabling. What you did might not have been the best way to handle things, but if you take the blame and let him blame you for pissing him off so he did not come straight home than he will stay off the wagon.

    Alanaplus3

    Answer by Alanaplus3 at 5:47 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • IDK. But, you are right, he is an adult. And he shouldn't have had a drink. And you shouldn't have yelled at him. You were both wrong, so you need to talk. Now that he has had drinks, it's going to be difficult for him to get back on track. He needs to call his sponsor. And, I'd also be pissed at his cousin. He shouldn't have let him drink, pissed or not, he shouldn't have let your husband drink.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 5:47 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • There is nothing you can do to "fix it". You acted the way you did b/c u were upset and worried about him. He is an adult and should have called you to let you know things were wrong at work and he would be late. Not answering the phone is a sign of ...well to me of doing something he has no business doing. If in fact they were at work. ( does he carry his phone with him while he is home? Or does he put it on the charger and walk away from it ) meaning if he always keeps it close by him then there was NO REASON for him not to have answered it the 15 times you called. and why would he need to remove it from inside his pocket if thats where he keeps it anyways?.) Just b/c you were upset does that mean this is the first time? Is it going to cause him to fall off the wagon again in the future. This was just his excuse to drink. Don't allow him to blame you for his screw up. And watch him, he'll fight w/u just to drink now!!
    kkbird

    Answer by kkbird at 5:56 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • I think you are putting the blame where it doesn't belong, on yourself!
    I guess a perfect person wouldn't have yelled at him, but you're not perfect and neither is anyone else.

    I say he messed up and I wouldn't let him blame you.

    I think you should concentrate on doing whatever you have to do to keep him sober. I think that's a bigger priority than the fact that you got mad at him for being late.
    ItsMe89

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 8:52 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • sorry for the run-on sentence. thank you for all the encouraging words. I really know it's not my fault he decided to drink. I love my DH very much and I know we're not perfect. I was wrong and I started it. He was wrong by the way he reacted and using me as excuse. but now that he has, I realize it will be easier to do so again in the future. To be honest the first night is the hardest and longest !!I know i'll be worried all night . I'm gonna just go to sleep tonight and pray that he comes home sober. he's been trying to do this on his own he's never been to AA or rehab. I think it's time that we get counseling for the alcoholism!!! I say we because I know I need to stop enabling him also!!! blaming myself for the problems. I know that I acted badly but that's no excuse.

    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:49 PM on Jun. 3, 2011

  • You should go to some alanon meetings. they are for loved ones of alcoholics. Its not your fault he drank. He had a choice to put the bottle to his lips and he pulled the trigger. And even if you bitched him out he still could of come home. We all make mistakes. And just because he drank last night doesn't mean he will drink tonight. He is probably ashamed and embarrassed. You two need to talk it out if he is willing. And both share your feelings and maybe you both can go to a meeting together :)
    myownhappiness

    Answer by myownhappiness at 1:28 AM on Jun. 4, 2011

  • Wow,that was the longest sentence ever!
    butterflyblue19

    Answer by butterflyblue19 at 6:05 PM on Jun. 3, 2011