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2 Bumps

Should I move on?

My marriage has been rocky for about the last year. And honestly I'm about ready to give up on staying with him. He goes back and forth from hot to cold. And I'm tired of it, cause every time he goes cold it hurts.

He's believing rumors over me. We're from a small town and there are some rumors floating around that I am having an affair. I am NOT. I have no way to prove this as DH is in Iraq but I know where the rumor started from. I was in WalMart and saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in 4 or 5 years and gave him a hug. We got to talking so he ended up walking with me and was nice enough to push my cart. He was just being nice. Cause pushing a cart and a double stroller without help is a pain in the butt. After that if I ran into him and was having trouble he would occasionally help me out. As a thank you, I asked him to join the kids and I for lunch one day. My aunt was at the Chinese joint in town and saw me with him. This was last Spring and the friend and I have talked, sent stuff over FB on the games, and when he got sick last Fall at work I took him to the ER. And he helped me move. I couldn't move all the furniture alone and literally no one else would help me. Just plain friendship.

When DH started accusing me of cheating I cut contact. No argument, I just did it. I did everything DH asked of me short of move 1700 miles away from my home without him. We have two toddlers one with health issues and the other with behavioral. I didn't think moving with the kids without knowing anyone and with no help was a good idea and so I refused saying I would happily move when he got back and outlined my concerns. This was also last Fall.

We have had some massive fights since then. He came home on R&R and did a lot of things while home that scared me. But at the same time he was pretty affectionate.

Now little more than a month later he's refusing to speak to me. Saying he wants to read his Bible and pray. In the meantime he won't speak to me hardly. Unless I ask him a question about the van or the kids. And I'm on the verge of being done. Just telling him to go to hell. Cause he'll talk for a few days and then he'll cold-shoulder me.

I thought things were looking up... I told him I love him a couple of days ago and while he didn't say it back he didn't get mad. I forgot to delete it off the message I sent him. Which was an improvement. IDK what to think.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:37 AM on Jun. 4, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Will he go to counseling?
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:41 AM on Jun. 4, 2011

  • It sounds like he may have post-war trauma or something. I thing you should talk to his commanding officer and get him some help from a therapist. If he is unwilling, idk, you should do what is in the best interest of your children.
    Shanna84

    Answer by Shanna84 at 10:41 AM on Jun. 4, 2011

  • According to him no. And right now... for us to do counseling (he is still over there) I would have to move from my home state 1700 miles to where is stationed with a man who can't even speak to me.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:46 AM on Jun. 4, 2011

  • I know you have to be fed up. I've been in a similar position, he waited until he got home to accuse me of everything. It was heartbreaking. We didn't have kids at the time and eventually worked things out. He got out of the military and struggled with finding a job and friends. We decided to have a baby and during my pregnancy he started back accusing me of cheating again. He didn't even think the baby was his. I didn't take it that seriously, I knew I'd never cheated and he could DNA test her a million times if he wanted. He had times where he was mean and cold. When she was born, she was quite obviously his. Shortly after her birth I discovered he was cheating, and had been for the majority of our relationship with multiple women. I regret that I didn't realize what was going on earlier. My advice for you is to wait on him to get back and go to counseling. You did nothing to loose trust, you deserve it back.
    camiam81

    Answer by camiam81 at 11:08 AM on Jun. 4, 2011

  • Thanks. I've tried telling him that we are from a small town. People have little more to do than gossip. And the gossip ca easily ruin lives whether it's malicious or not. And in my case I've had rumors following my since I was 16. I'm used to it. He's done things I would consider iffy but I'm not holding it over his head. I've done my best to keep his wishes in mind and respect him and I get nothing.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:15 AM on Jun. 4, 2011

  • Everyone blames post war trauma. My ex husband is military, has been for about 16 years. Your man needs to take responsibility for his own crap. He is being the jerk. If he is listening to rumors instead of his own wife, what does that tell you about the relationship?
    emmyandlisa

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 11:29 AM on Jun. 4, 2011

  • He sounds very insecure and has some major trust issues. I'm sure he's tired, stressed, depressed and that is only going to intensify feelings towards other things. I would insist counseling when he gets home, and suggest he find a chaplain over there to talk to while he's away. Does he have any good friends over there he can talk to?
    marine_wife0520

    Answer by marine_wife0520 at 11:52 AM on Jun. 4, 2011

  • Oh and is this his first deployment? My husband's first deployment they kept telling him I was going to cheat and leave him. He might have some jerk over there where it's happened or it's happening to and he keeps hearing the other guy talk about it.
    marine_wife0520

    Answer by marine_wife0520 at 11:55 AM on Jun. 4, 2011

  • Yes this is his first deployment. And I'm not sure about chaplain or anything. But he did say that the guys over there were telling him to take the kids and divorce me.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 12:03 PM on Jun. 4, 2011

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