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Stepparenting/Relationships......I may ruin my relationship, Help!!!

I was with my BF for 4 yrs. We decided to have a child during our 4th year. I was 5 mos. pregnant, when had a talk with me about a kid that thinks he is his father. I was shocked and not happy, I had never dated anyone with a kid. I wanted to start our little family. He assured me not to worry, he didn't have a relationship with the kid anyway. Think he lied to me because i was pregnant, he didn't want to upset me. Though when the kid called/emailed, he would say"UGH this kid keeps bugging me", so I never asked about him much more about the situation then what I already knew, since I didn't think it would interfere with our family. Well, we moved when our baby turned 2, back to dh's hometown, closer to where the boy lived. Boy started coming over and now dh and him have a relationship, BUT it is Killing me, I hate this situation! I don't think its fair I was tricked into this family situation.

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Asked by Anonymous at 11:19 PM on Dec. 9, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • MORE to my story: The boy was 14 when I knew of him. He is now 18. He started coming over 2 yrs ago, but I have not grown to care for him, although he is a good kid. I just am stuck on the situation. I hate it, I didn't ask to be a Step-parent and I don't act like one either. Dh doesn't even inform me when he is coming over until he is already on our doorstep. It's annoying!! Our child doesn't even know that this kid is supposed to be big brother. It hasn't been said to my child, its just not mentioned. DH doesn't want to tell the boy the truth. I think he should. I also think the real father has a right to know he has a son out there somewhere.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:25 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • I don't think you were tricked. You knew there was a possibility that he was the child's father. Did you really believe he was never going to want to be in the child's life? Maybe at the time he really didn't want to have a relationship with the the kid, but now that he has had a child with you and has had a relationship with your child, he sees what he is missing with the little boy. I do think he should have talked to you about the situation, but what can you really do? You can't force him to choose one child over another. Just be supportive of him. Is this kid a good kid? Remember, he's not only your BF's child, but he is also your baby's brother. Good luck. I really hope you can make this work.

    Answer by Rebecca7708 at 11:34 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • I posted before you had the rest of your story up. The way he is handling the situation is wrong. I do think you and your child are being treated unfairly. If he is really the boy's father, then your little one should know it's his brother. You should be told when he is coming over. Why hasn't anyone done a DNA test? This is a very messy situation.

    Answer by Rebecca7708 at 11:38 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • I think you are being incredibly selfish. He deserves a father just as much as your child does. Grow up. You can't change the fact that he has another child, and you shouldn't try. Sorry to say, but, blood is thicker than water and when it comes down to it he will choose his son over you. Why don't you act like a woman and accept the situation for what it is.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:40 PM on Dec. 9, 2008

  • The person who anwswered at 10:40 p.m. sounds alittle too harsh.

    But you should just go with the flow it is not the boy's fault for whatever reason he does not know his dad, I honestly believe if it was a girl you would really be having a big time problem. (Even more Jealous) Just tell yourself it is what it is and move on, and he did not trick u in anyway he told you about it but was not sure he could of just lied to you. Whenever your BF and the older son get together let your child go with them I mean hang out for alittle while just to get to know each other and see what happens it will be a postive thing I promise. I am a step parent my self and it pays off in the long run it is not as bad as you think. We just want to be the only one in our DH llife with our own kids. That's all. There is nothing wrong with that.GL

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:01 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • when my bf and i found out i was pregnant his ex decided she didn't want her boys (also my bf kids )anymore and they came to life with us. i had no choice in the matter. it was either with us or another state with their maternal grandmother and their dad was not having that which i totally understand. it wasn't that bad in the begining but now it just sucks. i just don't feel a lot for them and i hate that but i don't know how. they just cause so much problems, getting suspended never listening(who's kids do?) it's just really hard. i'm cunfused on what my role is on punishing them, i don't think their dad is consistent enough but their not mine. so by telling you my long pitifull story just remember it could be alot the way the worse part is the ex being in contact with your bf . argggggg!!!!

    Answer by lilybug524 at 1:28 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • Ok maybe he should have told you more, but you can't hang on to that should have's. You are already in this marriage, so you have to accept his son. Not that you really have to be a "step mom", since he's already older. But you really do need to accept him as part of your life.

    Answer by robinann5 at 2:47 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • your man was probarbly lying when he said he wasnt sure he was the father,he probarbly knows he is,why is he constantly downplaying this boys existance and importance in his life to you?this child needs his father as much as yours does,and your man has to man-up and act maturely for his kids sake,first by introducing them and then by setting you straight on your behaviour on an innocent child who wants a relationship with his might have gotten tricked,but please point your frustrations towards the right person,and do learn to deal with it if you are in this for the long haul.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:23 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • sounds like ur a big baby but he should of done it another way, but face it hes the son take it or go. i have step kids there a pain but sos mine lifes what we make it grow up or get out!!!!!!!!!!

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:22 PM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • Part 1 of story............I can't fit everything in these little boxes. Ask me more questions if you need.
    DH is NOT the BIO-father!!!!!!!!!! But out of the kindness of his heart and because of his late-mother, he is dad to this now adult boy.
    Dh's ex cheated, got pregnant, blamed it on dh, DNA was done when the boy was 1 yrs old after everyone had fallen in love with the baby. Dh was pissed and took dna, the ex wanted to be a B.... so she told him it's not your kid anyway.
    DH's mom took care of this baby because the teen mom was irressponsible with the baby. Dh's mom passes due to illness. She asked that the boy be taken care of

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:15 PM on Dec. 14, 2008

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