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How do you get over repeated disappointment with your spouse?

My husband has some issues that stem from his childhood and his upbringing. In the 10 years we've been together I have tried and tried to put them in perspective. I am tired. I love him and he is awesome to me but he has so many "issues" that I can't seem to help him overcome, at what point do I stop mothering him? Here are a few examples:

1. He lost his job of 11 years for using his company credit card for personal items we couldn't afford.

(His mother has filed bankruptcy twice and continues to spend money on things she can NOT afford to keep up with people around her so this is a HUGE one that I struggle with)

2. He doesn't seem to grasp that he threw away that job and when he struggled to find another at the same pay rate he sank in to a deep depression and when he did find one that paid VERY well if not as well as his previously thrown away career he felt he was "above it" and didn't give it a try.

3. Because of his inability to NOT impulse spend we are constantly struggling financially and at 33 and 34 respectfully are facing bankruptcy and losing our rental home.

4. His mother had a tendency to ship him off to his grandmother's house when she didn't feel like parenting him and he has had a really difficult time bonding with and parenting our oldest while he has a wonderful relationship with our youngest.

5. His mom and grandma were super manipulative and lied to him about and around each other. He is not always honest with me and even when I catch him being dishonest he'll still lie and I've handed him proof more than once.

6. Everything he does is for a selfish reason. e.g. he coaches my son's sports teams because he wants to be with his buddies and he's been known to go to practice when our son is sick and has to stay home.

7. He has caused a lot of tension between myself and my family because my family is not used to someone with his issues and his upbringing and while they can see what I can see in that he was raised this way and can't help it, it is hard for them to watch us totally fall on our asses constantly due to his inability to make selfless choices and due to his impulsive behavior.

8. My parents helped us with the initial expense to get in to our current home after a real estate deal went bad (not his fault this time) and he has done nothing but complain and has never one time said thank you to them or expressed any kind of gratitude. It's not the first time they've had to help us financially and he's never thanked them, not once.

We don't do divorce in my family. It's just not something we do and I've been divorced once. I apparently have an ingrained ability to choose spouses who are selfish and have deep issues. Is this my fault? If nothing else, in my first marriage I learned you can't change someone and you can't help them if they don't want to be helped and if they are selfish when you're dating they aren't going to suddenly be less selfish no matter how much your parents invested in your wedding and how trapped you felt walking down that aisle. But this time I went in with my eyes wide open and I say again, I am tired.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:28 AM on Jun. 5, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • Wow
    but maybe this may be of help. It has taken until now for my SO to get on track with money. Basically I have been with him 4 years, and for the first year we were seperate, and the last 3 years we have been living together so I can see where money goes. It got to the point where his paychecks would be cashed and he would have to hand every dollar over to me, no note even spending money. He could then get spending money when the money was divided for bills, and some weeks, after gas, credit, bills, etc there would only be like 35 left over, some weeks there would be hundreds left over, but I would show him, okay I will keep this money in a money order this will go toward rent at the end o the month because we will need a buffer,. and so on.

    NO after holding his hand thru that for my whole preganancy, cause thats when I said enough is enough, he has done a 180, relapses some times, but nothing like before.
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 2:43 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • We have some friends who split their bank accounts for similar issues and it works for them. They pool the money on paydays for bills and the rest is theirs. I don't see this working for us because I need to bank some money and if he has $100 he'll spend $150 every time.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:46 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • Financial infidelity is just as bad as sexual infidelity. It breaks trust. You need to take over all of the finances. He needs to go to therapy to deal with all of his issues so he can grow up once an for all.
    Syphon

    Answer by Syphon at 7:21 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • Your family doesn't "do" divorce. WoW. Anyway, you either tolerate him or not. If you are tired of his behaviors then leave,,oh wait, you don't 'do' divorce. Then the answer is simply - doesn't sound like you have any options. you can't change him and you can't leave him. So you stay with him and deal with life like he is.

    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 9:49 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • I would say get professional help. If he doesn't change...either deal with it or leave. Good Luck mama!!
    mkdirector2011

    Answer by mkdirector2011 at 9:52 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • This is so familiar. My DH has just about every one of these issues and at this point I'm just trying to get back to work, however I can, because I see no future for us at all. I'd rather not get a divorce because I can't imagine him having any type of visitation of our kids because he is so damn immature but I'd like something to fall back on. He says he doesn't see us not together but I am tired like you, also, I just don't see us spending our lives together. The bank account is in my name because he literally cannot even get one due to the amount of debt he carries and refuses to pay. He spends until all that is left is the grocery money and with the low amount of his pay from work and the fact that he has all sorts of expensive habits doesn't help our finances. I don't know how to deal with the disappointment anymore expect try to carve out a life for me and my kids whether he is around or not.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:54 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • *except
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:56 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • My parents have serious money issues also, and my track record isn't stellar; though ive finally got my credit score fixed! My mom had to stage an intervention for my dad. Invite anyone that's close to him that's not part of the problem/enabling. Is time to get 'real'' and give it to him shot-gun style! Read him this post. It's very insightful, but I don't feel as if you are attacking him for it, just overwhelmed. Try to get him to see the problem and work with you on a solution. My dad gives my mom his paycheck and receives an allowance every week after handing in a weekly and monthly budget for the funds he thinks he needs. My mom amends it, and gives him what he really needs. This only works because of the trust and honesty in thier relationship and my dads acknowledgement of his problem. Good luck dear.
    Ms.Gwen

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 10:55 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • @meooma - I should have phrased that a little better. Obviously since this is my 2nd marriage it is done. It's just not something that they dealt well with the first time or when my uncle did it. My grandparents and their parents before them were high school sweethearts. They believe you can make it work. Also, we live in a super small town and my family owns multiple businesses including a bank so they are more like "are you SURE this is the only option". They supported me during my 1st divorce but that didn't mean I didn't feel their disappointment in me. It was a lot more disappointment that I'd made the choice to marry him in the 1st place. My husband now? It's a little different because we have kids to think about and for some reason I can't seem to make the decision to leave. I made it once and though it wasn't easy that time it was necessary. This time? I just don't know.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:30 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

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