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Friends and daughter

My daughter is a home for the summer after her first yr of college. She did really well but didn't make many new friends. She is rather shy, she did however make 2 that she went to supper with and studied with, but they aren't keeping in touch this summer. Back here at home her small group from high school are all drinking and smoking pot regularly. They include her, but she told me they are pressuring her to do the things they are doing. We have a no alcohol policy if she is going to live here at home. She says she really doesn't care to drink anyway, but doesn't know how to handle the pressure and teasing. Her best friend told her last week-end "you act like you have a stick up your ass, get over it." Personally, I wish she would give up these high school friendships, although I know that is hard. I am trying not to offer much advice, just enforcing our "live at home rules" and I am not sure if she is confiding in me to get advice or just a sounding board. She did tell me if she doesn't do things with this group she will be sitting at home with us all summer. Just wondering if anyone of you mothers had any thoughts on this I could share with her?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:09 AM on Jun. 5, 2011 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (6)
  • I think at this point you can move into the friendship role with your daughter, but always remain her mother with advice and yes, if she is at home, your home, your rules. Maybe encourage her to move on to other friendships. I'm not sure if you go to church or not, but I went to a church and now that I moved I'm looking into another one, in which they both have groups for kids that are in college. Some of it is faith based, but they have a lot of fun and do things together. Not saying that all kids who go to church follow the don't drink/smoke policy, but it would steer her into finding someone that isn't as party minded. Maybe if she looks into being a camp counselor during the summer it might be another option to meet people her age. Tell her you are proud of her decisions. I am and I don't know her. It's great to see a young person making good choices.
    attap5

    Answer by attap5 at 11:17 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • How about you stop "enforcing our live at home rules" and try being supportive. Your her Mom, she is looking to you for support and encouragement!! Not an iron fist!! What attap5 said about is excellent advice!! Working at a summer camp is an EXCELLENT way to make good life long friends that tent to make better choices for their down time. It should be about encouraging her behavior, not met by negativity like "well you know even if you do that your can't live here". It's like your already punishing her for something she hasn't done yet and doesn't even want to do!!

    Crafty26

    Answer by Crafty26 at 11:26 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • Sounds like she needs to step out and start meeting new friends with her actual interests??? Meetup.com and various other places like local yahoo groups are a great place to start...

    being at home with you is not an excuse to behave like an idiot.... we have a 15 year old that we remind him, he is smarter than his peers, and we point out key factors... starting with drugs, once you kill brain cells they are gone, and he can advance past his peers... than sex, diseases, kids, and all that goes with that (and education in this area, and don't trust a chick's words)... and he knows he will pay for all mistakes he creates! Drugs will mean he pays for his own college, unprotected sex means he'll work the next 18 years in whatever dead end job paying for it! And we have a no drug, no foul language policy in our home... he can use his big boy words and show respect
    MommaClark3

    Answer by MommaClark3 at 11:29 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • I would just tell her sometimes we outgrow our friends. It happens. I mean how many people stay friends with those they knew in high school on the long term? I am friends with maybe a handful. It sounds like shes bettering her life, in college, and has potential. At the same time I know partying and having fun in the summer at this age is also normal. We all get it out of our system at some point. I would just tell her she is the better person and you understand the peer pressure. Maybe consider helping her get some sort of office job part time to spend the summer making money and doing something productive? She may meet new people that way.
    gemgem

    Answer by gemgem at 11:32 AM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • Does she have a job? Can she volunteer? There are things she can do to keep busy and meet new people.
    I'd tell her you are proud of her for not caving to the pressure and you trust her to do the right thing. If she doesn't want to hang around with them then she should follow her heart. It's hard to give up your friends but it's not an unusual thing to happen when kids hit 21. They think they are free and all knowing and they start drinking and partying. My daughter was younger than most of the kids in school and she had the same complaints except it was that the so called best friends quit hanging around with her because she was not partying. My daughter feels the same as yours(to bad we don't live close lol) and doesn't really want to go out drinking.
    On the other hand the advise my oldest son gave her was to go ahead and go out with them and be the designated driver. Only charge them for the ride. LOL
    itsmesteph11

    Answer by itsmesteph11 at 8:37 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • I dont understand people,think they got to get high to impress ther friends,it all suxs to me,i was treated the same way bye a friend,i didnt drink are smoke pot,so she didnt want me in her little group,thats ok with me,i dotn have to feel important bye my friends caus ei know i am,with jesus christ and im happier than they are are she is,shes about nutts she turned the stove on with grease on the burner and burned her house down,she said she forgot about havign the stove on,i think that all went back to when she used drugs,doen burn her brain up
    jbaby7162000

    Answer by jbaby7162000 at 9:42 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

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