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3 Bumps

Do I monitor my teen too much?

My daughter (15) has had friends come over to hang out and sleep over. We have a pool house and the kids sleep out there. My husband and I monitor constantly and my daughter is telling me her friends think we are "crazy". When friends come over here the parents just drop them off, they never call and talk to me, NOTHING. When my daughter wants to go someplace I ALWAYS call and double check, making sure a parent will be home and the kids are doing what she told me. I truly have no reason to distrust my daughter, but the fact that she is a teenager I feel is reason enough. I told my teen I thought the other parents are crazy for not checking up on thier kids, and she said "really Mom? Then why are you the only who does it"........she is right.....not one parent ever calls me. The only explanation I can think of they all know nothing is allowed to go down over here and they don't worry when their kids come over here.
What are others doing to monitor their kids without feeling like a KGB operative? How do I strike a balance so she doesn't feel mistrusted, but I make sure she's not pulling one over on me?

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Momof315126

Asked by Momof315126 at 12:07 PM on Jun. 5, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Level 4 (55 Credits)
Answers (30)
  • I see nothing wrong with what you're doing. If there is underage drinking or drug use on your property, you are responsible. When I was in college, I had a freshman roommate my senior year. I was told that because I was of drinking age (21) and she was not, that if she got drunk in our room, I would be held responsible both morally and legally. I could be away at my home and be responsible for what happened in my room that she did.

    JSD24

    Answer by JSD24 at 12:15 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • I don't' have teens yet, but I can't imagine doing any less then you are.

    So the other parents don't even bother to come and introduce themselves to you?
    daughteroftruth

    Answer by daughteroftruth at 12:18 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • Let it known, your not alone. I also feel like the only one who checks in on my kids.
    I don't understand it either.
    I think, your doing a good job. No need to change anything.
    SassySue123

    Answer by SassySue123 at 12:19 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • No, when I say I am calling I am calling the other parents and making sure what she has planned (like a sleep over) is actually happening. I usually just say "my daughter has said she was invited to sleep over, I am just calling to make sure you are aware of this plan and that you are ok with it and that to make sure they are going to be home".
    It would be so easy for some of these girls to tell their parents they are sleeping at my house and then be picked up by a boyfriend and go out all night. I never see these parents or talk to them, so I don't know if their daughters are staying or going home. I just can't get over how some parents just don't think about these things.
    Maybe because I got away with everything as a teen (my Mom NEVER checked either) I was out doing all kinds of stupid things). My daughters misfortune is a parent who used to be a trouble maker !!
    Momof315126

    Comment by Momof315126 (original poster) at 12:22 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • I truly feel that parents are not involved enough now a days. It never hurts to touch base - here and there. I know that there comes a time in the very near future that you will have to let her go and not check up quite so much. At 15 I would not hesitate to call a parent to make sure there was going to be an adult home, or even go to the door to introduce myself.

    Open communication is always the best approach. It is very hard to pull back and let your kids step out on their own. Talk with your teen and let her know your concerns. My daughter is 17 and I still want to know who she is with and if there are parents home. She is learning you don't know who you "know" until you REALLY "know" them the hard way. I am just glad she talks with me.
    sipn_mom

    Answer by sipn_mom at 12:25 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • No, the other parents do not come in and intoduce themselves. Sometimes if I am busy I don't even know the girls have arrived..they are just suddenly in my house. Its weird !! The boys paretns on the other hand are always coming to the door (the boys look soooo embarrassed) and checking in and letting me know when they will be back to pick them up.
    I just think to myself...some of these parents are wondering why their kids are in trouble....ect.... and I kep thinking "because you are making it so eay for them to get in trouble".....
    My husband keeps saying " its a teenagers job to try and get away with as much as possible, and its our job to make sure she doesn't"
    Momof315126

    Comment by Momof315126 (original poster) at 12:26 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • I love your husband's saying. That's awesome stuff.

    My oldest isn't quite 10, but I agree with everything you're doing. You're allowing her space and checking up on her at random intervals - that's what you should be doing. Too many parents want to be friends with their kids, and they seem to think that if you stay a friend, you have a teen who will communicate with you and be open and honest about what they're doing when you're not around. Every teen tries to get away with murder - it's our job as parents to not allow it.
    Ginger0104

    Answer by Ginger0104 at 12:32 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • I am all over my 14 year old daughter's business. She is used to it lol. No, I don't think it is too much.
    emmyandlisa

    Answer by emmyandlisa at 12:32 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • I don't think that you do too much. I do almost exactly the same thing when my boys are going over to someone's house.
    elliecooper

    Answer by elliecooper at 12:33 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • It is weird... the boy girl thing. But I noticed it too. My son's friend's parents do tend to call more and make more "real" plans. Where the girls are just dropped off and let go.

    I have always made my kids use the house phones too, when calling from a friends home (if of course they have a land line). More accountability that they are actually where they say they are going to be.

    Part of being a kid is learning how to work your parents. Your children are going to lie to you, and break your heart. They are not perfect little robots. Honestly, do we want them to be!! We just want them to be safe. Our goal is to keep them protected from broken hearts, mean girls and all the evils of the world. If we could do that then what kind of life would they really have. The best thing we can do for them is teach them how to handle it all.
    sipn_mom

    Answer by sipn_mom at 12:36 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

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