Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Is it ok for me to have male friends?

This is my prob: My hubby and I got married in Jan- I was very unhappy for the 1st 6 months adjusting and met someone (yes, a male) who listened to me very well- I made it clear that I only wanted to be friends with this man and he developed feelings, told me and I cut off contact completely. (My DH thinks I shouldn't be friends with ANY MALE because of this, AND the horrible fact that his first wife left him for another man.) So now he is deployed and I have met another male that listens well, loves to talk, sings disco and is way more girlie than I am. I like hanging out with him and we have some similar interests. I've made it VERY CLEAR that I love my DH and will not do anything to disrupt our marriage (I don't hug this guy or touch him AT ALL) but I'm not sure if it's ok to have a male friend when my DH does not want me to have any?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:20 AM on Dec. 10, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Your hubby is judging you based on what happened to him with his other wife. That's not fair. He needs to see that you are not her and learn to trust you. I think it's OK to have male friends, in your case too since you did such an admirable job of setting up boundaries with them. Maybe when he gets back invite this new male friend over so hubby can meet him. In the meantime I'd hang out with this guy around other people so they can be witnesses to your good behavior. It isn't YOUR fault that the other guy developed feelings for you. You must be a pretty, nice person and your husband should be proud. Point out to him that you cut off all contact completely as soon as you found out and that's how you will always react to declared feelings that aren't coming from your hubby!! Good luck!

    MarlyeGirl

    Answer by MarlyeGirl at 5:35 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • Ok. I am with your DH on this one. Not that you are doing anything wrong, you're not but I can understand his point of view. Also it is very easy to unwillingly slip into a romance even with boundaries. I have been cheated on by dh in the past, a long time ago because I let him have female friends. He cheated numerous times. And now I don't allow it because of that. I will leave it at that for now less I get depressed.
    upintrees

    Answer by upintrees at 5:53 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • That's BS...if your SO cheats on you, is has nothing to do with opposite sex friends and more to due with a lack of charachter or judgement of your SO and the people he/she chooses to be friends with.

    Regarding the OP: Its not your fault if a friend develops feeling for you (a female could just as easily as a male)...obviously you have already dealt with that apropriately in the pash, he should trust that you can handle yourself. You aren't his ex.

    That being said, both the hubby and I are AD, we have both been deployed...which is a hard position to be in, since you aren't there, and you don't know what is going on with the other person. Particularly when the people around you all have horror stories, sometimes you think the worst as well.

    Really, its your right to have friends--male or female, if he is an adult, he will figure out how to cope with it.
    thalassa

    Answer by thalassa at 6:09 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • the rule is you are not supposed to have opposite-sex friends in a marriage. I used to fight this tooth and nail because I always had lots of guy friends but always seemed to lose my argument. I will draw the line when I have been friends with a guy for YEARS like way before DH and I ever met. I do not believe in cutting off friendships like that. On the other hand, making NEW guy friends while hubby is away...BAD BAD BAD. I say this because you will only get yourself into trouble, girl!
    MammaMia72

    Answer by MammaMia72 at 6:10 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • I believe unless you were friends with this male before the marriage that no it's not ok. You should never talk to the opposite sex about any details or problems with your relationship it almost always leads to something else. Believe Me. It's ok to have casual acquiantances but nothing more.
    bearcat84

    Answer by bearcat84 at 6:33 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • Normally I would say it shouldn't make a difference whether your friends were male or female. What bothers me in your question is the fact that you have only been married for less than a year and you say you were unhappy the first 6 months of your marriage. It's coming across as if you are looking for another man.
    PrttyMstng

    Answer by PrttyMstng at 7:30 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • id respect your hubby. especially since he is deployed. do you really want him to be worried that history will repeat its self in his expence? id steer clear until you are both secure in your relationship...you being unahppy at first is a wierd comment in your question, its like your looking for something more. you need to talk to your hubby...more most of all you need to respect him his concerns and feelings. and i hope he isnt a hypocrit and has female friends and if he does then you need to tell him its not fair...
    Shannon85

    Answer by Shannon85 at 7:55 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • I think that you need to NOT be friends with men because your husband is not comfortable with it. Women listen too, men are usually looking for an opportunity to make their move. You saw it with the first guy friend. You start off your friendship with them telling them all about your problems with your marriage and they are thinking "It's only a matter of time before I get this girl". At any rate, if your husband is not ok with it, its not a good idea. What it will boil down to is losing a friend that you have only known for a short amount of time or losing your husband.
    slw123

    Answer by slw123 at 8:52 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • I think that it's hard enough to be overseas and worrying about your family without losing focus and putting yourself and others in danger, but to add the fear of the past repeating itself is much harder. I would put more thought into what you really feel for your husband and your marriage. Are you truly dedicated? If you are I think you're a grown woman and can choose your friend m or f. But if you have doubt in yourself or your marriage maybe you should worry about that realationship first and where it's going before you add new people to your priority list.
    CM2TX08

    Answer by CM2TX08 at 9:12 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • I agree with him that doesn't sound right to me You never know i mean look at the first guy that was ur friend and he developed feelings for u . That means u can also do the same.Especially when ur husband is not friends ur guy friends. I don't let mine have any women friends. There is something called TEMPTATION.. NOT GOOD YUP......thats why there is alot of divorces.I know someone that his wife left him for the neighbor which was the best friend of the guy. Try to respect ur marriage.O i think its ok to have gay friends... thats kinda different.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:56 AM on Dec. 10, 2008

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Cafemom Join now to connect to other members! Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN