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How can we get our adopted daughter to feel more comfortable around us?

Alexis is only 5 years old but she's had a difficult life. Her parents died when she was 4 and the aunt who was supposed to be taking care of her is alcoholic and abusive to her. So she went to an children's home where we met her.

She is a precious little girl, amazingly good manners and she's very sweet and smart. She's been living with us for 5 months now and even though she's letting us into her life more and more every day, she's still not comfortable around us. Like she's scared she might do something wrong that will make us not want her. She asks me every night at bedtime if she was a good girl during the day.

I don't want her to be scared. Her therapist says she needs her time, but if you have any suggestions, I'll try anything to make her see we do love her unconditionally.

Thank you.


Asked by Anonymous at 8:37 PM on Jun. 5, 2011 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • Transition form one family to the next. Both are good. Both are loving. A reminder of all the people who love(d) her. Seh can look at it all the time. It is hers and it is permeate.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:48 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • It is going to take a long time for that little girl to realize that you aren't going anywhere or going to hurt her. Just keep on being positive with her, and eventually, she will open up more and accept you more.

    Answer by beckie66 at 8:40 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • I am adopted and I am have an adopted boy (final in Nov). The key as far as I can tell is, consistency with rules, schedules, etc. Therapy if needed and honesty about her birth family.  treat here as if she is your child and not a special treat. I know that must sound silly, but normalcy is idea. Oh and am sure you know...lots and lots of love. :o) Hugs to you all


    Answer by ochsamom at 8:42 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • Can you get her a locket with a family photo in it? DO you have any photos of her birth parents to put on one side nad of you on the other?

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:43 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • It might help to have something that is familiar to her and just help her go through this and love her is my advice idk if it will help just a suggestion

    Answer by djavongirl at 8:48 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • I would look into buying or renting books about "forever families". They might help her realize that she is at the home where she will spend the rest of her life. Good luck during the difficult transition you are all going through.

    Answer by bloomsr at 8:50 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • hey ;D just tell her how much you love her and shes all yours thats shes not going anywhere and your not leaving and no one is gonna hurt her anymore and if someone dose that she can tell you n you will fix it it might help some and just treat her like your other kids you might have to tell her a bunch but it will get threw n she will see that your not going any where and neather is she if you know of some stuff she likes to do color games toys might wanna get her some it might help or let her get a toy as comfort might help like a doll or bear and that way she can tell it her secrets and another thing is we did with my daughter when my parents died is we took some paper and made a book n taped a pics of them on the frount and made it special for her n she can write or color in it how she feels or happy stuff it helped a bunch if you need more help let me know im here :D anytime susan

    Answer by amommyslife03 at 8:51 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • Yes, I do have pictures but how would that help?

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:45 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • being adopted myself as well i have to agree with everyone here that consistency is key. It takes time to adjust even in the best of situations. But i will say it sounds like you are doing a great job. And she is very lucky to have you in her life. God bless you

    Answer by amberpaiz at 8:57 PM on Jun. 5, 2011

  • when she does start acting up and pushing the limits is when you know you've really gained her trust. When she gets to that point it's like saying I trust you not to make me leave. It'll come, hugs!


    Answer by Lynette at 9:00 PM on Jun. 5, 2011