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I know this is horrible to say, but...

I cannot stand my husbands nephew.... I know it is not all his fault the way he acts, but I just cannot be around him for more than a few mintues before I start grinding my teeth. The worst part is, we are listed as the people who get custody of him if something happens to my mother in law ( she adopted him when he was a baby and she is in failing health) ...

I have told my husband he needs to talk to her and tell her we cannot take care of him, and she needs to change her will ( both of his parents are now able to take care of him -- they were bad druggies at one time, but they both now have stable jobs and lives) ..... I told my husband if it came down to it, we would just have to sign rights over to some other family member or he will be raising him by himself. He keeps putting off talking to his mom, and I KNOW what is going to happen.

He is 9 years old and will not listen to anything, if you try to tell him anything or try to make him listen he will threaten to call the cops on you ( and has done this to MIL several times) , he will poop his pants so he doesnt have to quit playing ( he is able to hold it and go at school no problem - but he knows MIL will clean him up ) , he is the size of a 12 year old and tries to bully my 2 and 4 year old , I once caught him lifting up my 4 year old daugters shirt ( that was the LAST time he was at my house), He wont listen to where you can say " dont do that" several times and he still wont stop until he either breaks it or gets bored with it...

He has always been like this and I know it is because of the way MIL raises him ( she is the type who will see him ripping paper and will say " oh, how cute he is being expressive" ... well now it is to the point where she cant control him....

We finally talked to her into getting him to be tested for ADD of something because of how he acts ( you cant descibe it, you have to see how he acts) ... and of course nothing is wrong with him -- it is just the way he is....

I just do not know how to make my husband understand how important this is to talk to his mother... and I know that reason is, because he knows HE wont be the one having to take care of him ( or he thinks that)... because I take care of our kids 99% of the time, I am sure he thinks that his nephews care will be all on me 99% of the time as well ( meaning he doesnt have to deal with him ) ...But I swear, I KNOW I just cannot do it... but I also know I dont have the kind of relationship with my mother in law to tell her this...

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:50 AM on Jun. 6, 2011 in Parenting Debate

Answers (13)
  • This child is crying out for attention and love. If he knows or senses that u don't want anything to do with him,that could be one reason for his acting out. Sometimes when we talk about certain things,we think we r being discrete about it but sometimes kids overhear things we don't want them to. Please don't give up on this child,he needs direction and discipline,and love!!!
    dancer

    Answer by dancer at 7:55 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • Sounds like you've told your husband exactly where you stand. If he chooses to ignore your wants and the child ends up in your home then you need to follow through and either kick him and the child out or move out with your own two children.
    meooma

    Answer by meooma at 7:59 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • After I seen him touching my daughter I gave up on him... there is absolutely no way I will take care of him....

    I know it is mainly MIL's fault for the way she raised him and spoiled him so much, but he is also old enough to know right and wrong ( he is wonderful acting at school ) ..So we know he CAN be, but he choose not to...
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:09 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • I would not put my own children at risk for this child. You have told your husband how you feel and if he won't take the right steps and his nephew comes into your home I would leave the day before. This child sounds like a spoiled brat and a predator, not someone to have around smaller children. Good luck (c:
    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 8:41 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • I think you need to do what you feel is best for your children, and given that he is a bully and he was inappropriate with your daughter then it sounds like you are right to tell your husband you won't take him in. Your husband needs to speak up NOW and tell mil that it just would not work out, and mil needs to name someone else as his guardian. I think I would tell husband that it is either the nephew, or his own kids - so he knows you do mean business! I also think this child has a lot of 'issues' (probably mostly from being spoilt by mil and his own parents circumstances). I Think your husband should suggest mil take him to a counseling center and get him in some type of counseling program or individual therapy for his behaviors and anger issues. If he is like this now, I would hate to see what he is like as a teen, and by then he will be really out of control and not easy to change behaviors. good luck!!
    MizLee

    Answer by MizLee at 9:15 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • I don't think he is ADD/ADHD. There are far too many children that are diagnosed with that when it's a matter of lack of discipline. Putting a child on medication for not being disciplined doesn't help. I've taken many children to the hospital when I worked for an ambulance because they add more meds and then they go off the wall and try and kill themselves or someone else when they just needed a good kick in the rear end. In any case, you need to protect your children. Tell DH he has one week or whatever you decide to talk to her or you are going to. If you don't do something he may end up in your home and I can tell you from experience that once he's there, even once he hurts someone it will be hard to have him removed without fear of losing your other children.
    attap5

    Answer by attap5 at 9:32 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • If the boys PARENTS are able to care for him now, why aren't they? You'd think they would want their CHILD back.
    KairisMama

    Answer by KairisMama at 10:09 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • If the boys PARENTS are able to care for him now, why aren't they? You'd think they would want their CHILD back.


    Because her MIL ADOPTED him they can't just take him back. MIL would have to give him to them.


    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 10:14 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • While you're blaming how he was raised, how about looking at his druggie parents who either must have abandoned him or were too f-ed up to care for him so now MIL, who has already raised her children, gets to do round two with a child who is a handful and a half, who she probably overcompensates for the fact that his mother and father aren't taking care of him, etc, etc. It's a pretty awful story all around. However, sad as it may be for this poor boy, you clearly are not prepared to raise this child, and his behavioral issues, while needing to be dealt with, nonetheless do not make him a good addition to your family and the lives of your young children. The way I see it you can either speak to your MIL yourself, explain to her that you have your children to consider and will not take him, and are telling her so she can make other arrangements. Or let your DH know the day that boy comes to your house will be the day you go.
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 4:13 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • The MIL should give custody back to his parents. Really you and your DH should not have to take on that child AT ALL. His parents cleaned up, his parents can now step up.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:09 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

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