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5 Bumps

How to "let go " of family...

I have came to the realization that I have to "cut" my brother, out of my life....

It isn't becuase of him persay, because he is actually a wonderful person. But because of his wife ( who is pregnant with his daughter) , I hate her so much for so many reasons, I just cannot take it anymore.

I have no other "problems" in my life, no other stresses... but because of her, I constantly worry, and I constantly think and feel so sad for my brother and my future niece....

Since they have got together we hardly see my brother, and when we do we can hardly talk to him ( he is actually in a mentally abusive realtionship) , we also know that we will never see the baby... and I think it is best to cut them out now before it gets harder to do so...

But it hurts so bad - he is my only sibling, and his children will be my only neieces / nephews, and my kids only cousins ( my husband is an only child) ...

My parents constantly cry and even started going to church for "help" with this, because they too are lost...

I just dont even know how to do this, or how to start.... has anyone ever been through something like this ?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 8:15 AM on Jun. 6, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • Hugs! I would suggest you try to talk to your brother and let him know that you love him and are concerned because it seems like you don't getg to see or talk to him very much. (I would not say anything negative about the wife to him, as if he is 'in love' with her he will be blind to her faults, and he will see any negative comments as attacks on her and it could push him further away). Maybe tell him that you are there for him if he needs someone to talk to.... I hope everything works out!

    Answer by MizLee at 8:24 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • Well my parents and I have gotten together and told him that we love him and will do anything for him, but that it is hard to be around him...

    He knows we hate her and the reason he is with her is because of the baby - she says she will take the baby away from him forever, so he is afraid to leave her.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:28 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • you just need to back off, let him do what he wants , I understand completely what your saying but the more you push the harder she will make it,, if he wants to be in your life then he will otherwise there is nothing you can do, but as far as her taking the baby away from him, she can't do that , he can take her to court and fight her for custody, so don't let her play that bit with him, look up your local laws as each state is different, and I just want to add what kind of person threatens to take a mans baby away just to scare him into being with her, that is wrong but so many levels.

    Answer by momto4girzls at 8:35 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • I am in a similar situation and have been for many years. I'm not allowed to talk to my brother because I'm a "female." The only female relative he's allowed to speak to is my mother because they always need help with money. Once in a while I'll hear from him. I saw him for 45 minutes in 20 years. I just keep him in my prayers and understand that he is in an abusive relationship. Just like a woman who is being abused, a man can be too. Don't cut him out. Someday he may get the strength to leave and if he feels y'all cut him off he will either never leave for fear of being totally alone or he will feel that he has no one to lean on. It's hard and sad but remember, there is nothing stronger than a family.

    Answer by attap5 at 9:18 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • I actually know what you are going with through. Its my twin brothers wife and me and my family can not stand her. She thinks that she is better than all of us and tells us all the time about it. But it only got worse she then went out and cheated on my brother with his cousins one was male and the other was our female cousin. Yes she swings both ways. She has also slept with a few of my exes i don't care about them i hate that shes doing this to my brother. Besides shes not a good mother she is all the time leaving my nephews with just anyone in the family and she says she can't bond with her youngest child. hes not even a year old yet and she rarely has anything to do with him. We get them on the weekends but only because we threaten to take them to court because we gave proof she smokes pot and she wrote a letter to my male cousin saying she was willing to give up everything for him. But I still miss my brother.


    Answer by Vivian0331 at 9:40 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • Is not seeing your brother really going to make you feel better?

    you said yourself he's in a mentally abusive relationship. I would think that being able to offer him support would be a help to him. Believe me, I understand what it's like to have to face not being able to see a niece or the risk of that. I think that cutting your brother out of your life will do more to ensure that you won't see your niece.
    I know it's hard. but I don't see how not seeing your brother is going to make it easier.

    Does you state have grandparents rights? Perhaps they could help at least your parents.
    As for your brother, if he's afraid that the baby's mother will take the baby away, can he see a lawyer about that? If she's making threats and playing games then it could only get worse later!
    Do all you can to hang there.
    You can still send letters and messages to your niece to show you are thinking of her.

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 9:51 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • cont-
    granted, your niece's mother may not show them to her, but perhaps your brother will.
    I urge you to not abandon ship!
    I am SO glad I didn't!

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 9:52 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • Your brother is wrong he will get visitation at the very least if he leaves this woman. Don't give up on your brother. Let him know you are there for him in any way he needs. Help build him up every chance you get. Focus on his self-esteem and self worth. That is what the mental abuse will destroy. That is what he needs from his family until he can find the courage to get out of that relationship. Your encouragement and bravado could be the seed that his courage grows from!

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 11:04 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • It is not just that he is afriad to leave her but he says he wont because he doesnt want his daughter to have a split family ( but she has wack-job family members all over the country and I know she has threatened how easy it would be to take the baby for him to not find) ....

    But the point is I have told him several times that i would do anything to help him, and I even told him that one day if he needs me I will be there... but until then if he stays with her, it is too hard to see him...

    If they are in our lives, that means we have to hear of her and know of the things she is doing and that is what makes it hard... It is better to not know of how awful it is when there is nothing we can do, than to just pretend they are off living nicely.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 11:10 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • yes... except it was me drifting apart from my family. my family really wanted to spend the holidays at my house (i have the most children) this past Christmas and Thanksgiving but i wouldn't let them so my parents spent the holidays alone for the 1st time ever in their lives and they didn't enjoy it. Then Jan 7th my mom unexpectedly passed away. I sure hope your relationships are mended before it's too late... It CAN get too late.

    Answer by mrsary at 11:28 AM on Jun. 6, 2011

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