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2 Bumps

Am I misreading things? adult content

I apologize in advance: this is long.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. He's a great guy in general, loves our kids and is good to me in a lot of ways, but I have my doubts about certain things. In the past, he's been accused of cheating on me by some friends of ours (none that I would trust implicitly as they're known to exaggerate) so I tried to ignore it. Then a "very good friend" of mine admitted that they had slept together in our first year of marriage. He still denies it to this day, but I believe it because she doesn't have a reason to lie and also because she called his phone once during that time, I answered and she hung up. Later, she denied that she called to me, but then told another friend of ours that she ran out of minutes and her phone died. Who calls someone when they know they're out of minutes? Really? But I didn't end the relationship because we were 18 and 21 when we first got married and going through a significant amount of stress that I won't get into. I thought we were both young and dumb and had neglected eachother and I was willing to get passed it, but as I said, he still denies it. There have been several incidences since he joined the service that have me wondering: when he first came back from basic, he had a girls number in his phone that he said he didn't put there. He said one of his friends must have put it in there. What friend do you have that borrows your phone and stores his numbers in it? He also had a film camera that I took to be developed for him and there were pictures of a bunch of people in a hotel room, along with a girl who was bent over showing her ass to everyone and a couple others of just the girl. There were pictures of him in the hotel room, too, but he was alone and I don't know who actually took them. At one point, he had an account on Fubar which is a site that can really get married folks in trouble lol. I had one, too because my SIL wanted me to join her, but quickly found out it wasn't for me so I deleted mine. DH told me he deleted his as well and I later found out that was not true. He had pictures of his "man-bits" on there with the caption "Want Some?" underneath. He was talking to other girls giving them his yahoo IM name. When I confronted him, he denied it at first until I brought out proof and then said he had the account, but hadn't been on it in a while. When I checked it, his last log-in had been something like 1-2 weeks prior. I brought that up too. He said he never talked with any of the girls that he gave his IM name to. And I'm supposed to believe this after all the lies he'd already told me? He was accused by one of his officers of cheating down range and denied that. We talked about it and fought about it - A LOT, but eventually decided we wanted to work on things. We got a lot closer for a while and our marriage seemed like it was going great, which is the reason I'm confused now. He's always done so many sweet, thoughtful things for me and I felt like he really loved me (even if he did have a funny way of showing it before.) He still does do lots of seemingly loving things for me. When I confront him about things now, he doesn't try to blame it all on me - he talks to me about it, he's willing to do counseling and other things like that, he plans family things for us to do together, yet he still does certain things when I'm not around that make me worry. It's like he has some kind of double life going on or something because he's one way with me and it seems he's another way when I'm not right beside him. I have a real issue with porn - I hate it and I don't think it's appropriate in a marriage. He knows this and I still find that he looks at it and then denies it later, blaming it on a friend or saying he doesn't know (like he does with most everything else.) We've had an issue with porn on and off for the past several years so he's extremely clear about where I stand on it and has promised not to look at it again. Yet another thing I found he lied about recently. He adds girls as his facebook friends that he doesn't know and they usually end up having some type of semi-provactive photo on their profile. It's like he thinks I'm stupid or something. All of those things plus some other things that I'm running out of space to write about have piled up and I'm just done. I love him, but I'm so tired of feeling so fragile and insecure in our relationship. We have 3 kids and I don't want to give up on us, but at some point, I have to stop torturing myself thinking that things will get better and it's just me being paranoid. I want to be able to trust my husband implicitly and I don't. At all. I try and give him everything he needs relationship-wise and he says it's more than enough, that I'm not doing anything wrong, but how can that be true if he continues to do questionable things and lie to me about it? I'm tired of feeling so stupid and really, I'm just tired of everything in general. Thoughts?


Asked by Anonymous at 1:45 PM on Jun. 6, 2011 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (8)
  • Some people are just liars. For some people even the best is never enough and they will always be looking for more, for what else they can get, or who else they can get. You could be the perfect wife and mother and it would not matter. You could have sex with that type of person everyday and he would still look at porn or other women. Sometimes you have to accept that it's not you, it's the other person, and stop wasting your time trying to get someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved. My point is that he doesn't lie and do things behind your back because of who you are, he does it because of who he is.

    Answer by MaryMW at 2:00 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • he sounds like a con artist. I would not trust him at all. The girl in the hotel room....yeah...we'd be divorced over that one. Don't let him fool you...a girl in a bedroom showing her ass means she wants to have sex. Would you follow a man to his hotel room if you weren't planning on sleeping with him?

    Answer by samurai_chica at 1:50 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • first trust is key if there is none then a relationship is doomed. also you have to think about this porn thing because a lot of men (service men especially as they r away from the real thing for so long) become addicted to porn and then your not just fighting because of your beliefs your fighting his addiction. i can understand how at times he may want to flirt with other people to feel young or new but if it huts you he needs to stop. counseling will help for all of it. even if it ends in divorce the counseling will help him to understand what he is doing and why. for yourself i would not be willing to have sex with him again until he was tested because if he is out there with other women you need to protect yourself. im sorry that this has happened to you and i hope you find the info you need to make yourself happy again.


    Answer by takes_a_village at 1:56 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • You aren't doing anything wrong, but you also can't expect him to change without some type of counseling. HE has issues, and they probably have very little to do with you. Yes, he may love you, yes, he may want to work these things out. He may hate himslef everytime he does something stupid that he knows is risking your relationship. Fact is, you won't know any of this unless you get outside help. And like pp said, even so things may turn out bad.

    Answer by Nicoles2LilRams at 2:06 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • It's up to you, but if any man had told these kind of lies to me or thought I was that stupid I wouldn't waste one more minute on him. I think you can do better than a guy that. Not only is he disihonest, it's sounds like he's pretty stupid too.
    I don't usually call names like that, but it sounds like this man has earned the title!

    you don't need to feel stupid about all this. He's the one that's lied, and I think that it's honorable to want to work on your relationship.
    But I also think that there is a time to call it over!

    I say talk to a lawyer about it all. If he's lied to you about the things you mentioned, there could be other things he's lied about too that could spell even MORE trouble for you and your kids!
    You deserve better a better life, I say go find it!

    Answer by ItsMe89 at 2:12 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • Thanks for the feedback. So many things mentioned I already know, but it's so hard to really deal with them. It helps to have the support from others and different outside opinions, but it doesn't really make the situation easier. We live in Germany right now and will possibly be headed home due to my husband being med boarded (Injury that isn't getting better the way it should, PTSD, ect...) and that is part of the reason I hesitate; I get to thinking that so many outside things could be affecting our relationship and we just need to get on the same level to find out what's going on, but at the same time...I'm not sure I really want to anymore. I'm at the point where I've given him so many chances that I'm too tired to give him anything else. A part of me just wants to start over with my life. It's a hard feeling to come to terms with.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:41 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • He is playing you. You don't deserve to be treated this way. He is a bad boy and you are a grown woman, so get the he'll away from him allready.

    Answer by Ms.Gwen at 3:14 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • Well, he sounds like a pathological liar, and not a very good one. He obviously can't be trusted. If you have to work this much over a marriage that HE keeps continuing to direspect, then what is in it for you? He's not changing, he's not trying, he's not doing anything different. He continues to keep the same behaviors and it's clear that he is not showing you that he WANTS to prove to you that he can be trusted.

    I'd have left him a long time ago. Don't put up this from any man.

    Answer by rio_burb at 3:54 PM on Jun. 6, 2011