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How do I make him stop thinking this way ...

First I have to give a little background : When i was 17 my parents, my brother and I moved to a big farm ( my dad became a farmer lol ) ... my brother had a friend who was constantly around and he became a worker on the farm... I have always thought he was soo cute, but of course I was already in love with someone else -- i ended up marrying my high school boyfriend, and we had a little girl, at that time my husband became awful - he was abusive and treated us horribly ( we had a period where we split up, made up and I got pregnant with our second baby) ... but when I was 3 months pregnant he died in a car accident ( he was drinking and driving and hit a telephone pole ) .... My daughter and I moved to my parents and I would see the friend everyday ... I ended up having my son early and no one was home except him ( he has a house on my parents land ) and he took me to the hospital and he held my hand while I had my c-section...

he was great around my kids, they both loved him but shortly after that he and my brother joined the Air Force and then he was sent away for over a year, he came home and we remained friends ( we both had feelings for each other but just never acted on them ) ... but he did get closer to my kids too...

This went on for a few years and we finally did end up getting together ( December 1st 2009 was our official first date and we got engaged on December 24th 2009, married November 1 2010) ... And I can honestly say i have been extremely happy ever since then...

But lately he has been upset because he thinks I want more children ( and because of an accident he had while serving the AF ... he is unable to have anymore ( he has absolutely no sperm count) ... i am completely happy with just my 2 children - I had never planned on having more ( i actually had fertility problems with them too ) ... but now my brother and his wife has had a baby ( and we spend alot of time with them ) and he says he can see how much I want another ( I know I have said it before while holding my neice, but I think everyone does when they are holding a newborn) he said he has heard me telling people that i want another ( which is probably true, I like the idea of another, but in reality I dont.) ... and now he is actually getting into an almost depression because he is upset that " he cant give me another baby" ... I mean he he considers my kids his, ( he has adopted them - they have his last name ) ... and now he is even starting to say things like he thinks I will leave him for someone who i can have kids with.... It isnt true and i do not know how to prove it to him.

One time after talking about it, I told him ( thinking this is a deep rooted problem of HIM wanting to have a baby) I said we could always adopt in the future... and he basically used that against me saying " See, I knew you wanted another baby " ...

Before we got married this wasnt a subject - I was happy with knowing these would be my only 2 children, and of course I never expected to have anymore since he cant.... we have both known this for years and it actually kind of makes me mad that he waited until after we were married and after everything else we have been through, he makes a problem out of this ......

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 2:38 PM on Jun. 6, 2011 in Relationships

Answers (5)
  • ** also sorry for all the typos and poor grammar .. I have tiny buttons on my phone and newly done nails lol

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:43 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • He sounds like its and insecurity issue and he feels inadequate. I would try my hardest to let him know how much you love him and are truly ok with all that you have together. Sorry, hope it gets better!


    Answer by amazinggrace83 at 2:47 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • I think you need to explain that you waited forever to be with him, and that you knew that you didn't care if there was kids or not YOU wanted him,, tell him it is normal to ohh and ahh over babies, but that your 100% satisfied with what you have,,, tell him you don't want to talk about having babies anymore, you are fine with it, and fine with him.

    Answer by kimigogo at 2:51 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • Thanks...

    I also sort of think it is because he is getting ready for another leave... and this is the first long one since we have been together....

    He is usually very strong and a manly man ( doesnt talk about feelings that much) and now I have seen him cry over this, and he talks constantly about it...

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:51 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • This sounds like it's his issue- maybe a bit of both his own sadness of not having biological children with you and getting to be a father to a child from the start, and also insecurity that he is in some way less of a man because he can't give you children. Add to that he is getting ready to go away again and it's definitely a lot of stress. Honestly, the best thing for you all to do would probably be to talk to someone. This might be the kind of thing that could really be sorted out in one or two sessions with a counselor or a pastor at church. And it might all just blow over once the stress of his leave is past, but if it continues to come between you two then he needs to address it one way or another. And all women fawn over babies, even my sister who doesn't want children. His position has to be based on emotion because logically it doesn't make sense- you have him and 2 kids and a fairy tale romance, what more is there?

    Answer by MaryMW at 5:03 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

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