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Other than grounding and taking fun things away, what can I do to help get my 13 and 9 year old daughters to listen to me better?

Both my daughters have been very defiant and when their at their grandparents while im working they keep taking off and leaving the yard. They refuse to follow our rules and have also been using profanity. My 13 yr old even left school last week without telling anyone and the school called the police, and she was very rude and uncooperative with even them. We are at our wits end!! I'd appreciate any advice on this matter.

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julietc808

Asked by julietc808 at 4:28 PM on Jun. 6, 2011 in Teens (13-17)

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • I think it is time for some tough love and quick,, I would remove every item from her room besides the bed, and when she behaves she can have one thing back at a time, she might also need to go to a camp this summer, it has to be stressful on your parents for them to be leaving at anytime, the next time the police are involved don't go get her ASAP, tell them you want to scare her a bit.
    kimigogo

    Answer by kimigogo at 4:35 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • good thing they didn't stay at my mom's they would of got a switch. Not suggesting it. If u are close to local police like we are in our small town I would call them myself and do kimiqoqo's advice.
    Kimkh

    Answer by Kimkh at 5:09 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • I don't know if this is good advice or not I don't have teenagers. Mabey rent some movies and don't watch it with them but let them watch them were kids there age act that way and really bad things go wrong. I remember watching hitch hiker as a kid and I still till this day refuse to ever hitch hike under any circumstances bc of that movie.
    Kimkh

    Answer by Kimkh at 5:13 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • Well, why are they being defiant? They may feel that you don't listen to them at all. When they leave, I assume it's to see friends. Is it an unsafe neighbourhood? Why not simply allow them to go visit their friends? As for your rules- your children are entering the teen years. The whole point is to break your rules, be defiant, and to decide what values they hold. They're going to break your rules repeatedly. It's A developmental stage.

    Decide what rules to begin letting go of. Your daughter is 13- perhaps old enough to stay home alone? Your other daughter is 9. Would Grandma allow a friend to join her? Obviously keep rules meant for their safety, but too many rules will lead to a generic disregard for ALL rules. If they're trying to get a rise out of you- stop reacting. It's hard to get a rise out of a liberal, tolerant parent.
    kit_manson

    Answer by kit_manson at 7:17 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • Welcome to the teen years. It's like one day they wake up and realize that they have a brain of their own and can make their own decisions all of a sudden. This is where real parenting comes in not just changing diapers and giving pacifiers. I don't know your daughters background or personality so it's hard to say why she is doing it, but it's time to "teach" that breaking rules DO have consequences. Being liberal and tolerant might 'feel good' but what does it really teach? That later in life "rules were meant to be broken"? That won't work when she gets out into the real world and will cause her more harm later. When she gets a job are they going to set aside "rules" because there are too many and it might lead to a generic disregard for ALL rules then? NO. There will be rules in everything & they might as well learn how to dance to the music now. In society we have consequences for breaking rules/laws.
    KellyGirl_TX

    Answer by KellyGirl_TX at 2:55 AM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • I would say...if she wanted to get a "rise" out of you, she might argue back or something of that nature. Leaving school grounds and having the police called after you is just plain being defiant about "something'. Don't let people try to turn the table on you in saying that "maybe you aren't listening to them'. Your teen is testing the waters but it could be alot of things. Who are her friends at school? What are they like? Is she mad at you for something? Does she dislike school more than you're aware of? IDK any background, like I said...so it's hard to say. Somehow they''ve definitely gotten the idea that "rules don't apply at Grandma's house'. I'd dig into that too. Find out exactly what's going on and have the same rules. Children need guidance, rules, routine etc ....you can't let them run you. This is why we have so many misfits in our society today to deal with like never before.Many people stopped parenting.
    KellyGirl_TX

    Answer by KellyGirl_TX at 3:05 AM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • Liberal and tolerant does not mean you let your kids run all over you. It means you choose your battles. Save the fury for the important rules, and let some of the ones that may be outdated go. All I mean is that they're entering a new stage, and you need to re-evaluate things.
    kit_manson

    Answer by kit_manson at 8:54 AM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • It wont happen over night but maybe if you can get a little more family time in maybe family game or movie night then you may find you gals are talking more and listening more. Just a suggestion.
    Mommy_Aiken

    Answer by Mommy_Aiken at 6:07 PM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • Dont know if you spank so I wont suggest that, just be very stern and take away privledges.
    IBFbabe

    Answer by IBFbabe at 9:13 PM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • It's time for a sit down. She is going to push you and push hard. You are going to have to be strong and let her know this is not a game and she could end up in Juvenile Dentition. If the police did not scare her, my guess is it is because she thinks there would be no follow through.

    I would sit the oldest down and tell her if she can't listen to the rules set for her then she will have NO privileges (no cell phone, no computer, no going places with her friends...complete lock down). Let her know that you need to be able to trust her when you are at work and that you need her to set an example for her little sister. If this doesn't help. Family counseling may be in order.

    If she runs away and continues to leave school they will lock her up, and you will be best served to leave her there and let her know that is the plan. Don't do crime if you can't do the time...
    sipn_mom

    Answer by sipn_mom at 10:24 AM on Jun. 8, 2011

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