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What should i do grades

The school my SD (11 5th grade) attends posts all grades for tests/papers etc. online throughout the grading period...Some teachers posts the grades daily others wait till they have time to. I just checked her grades (they havent posted them in a while) and all we have been seeing are C's and better but not that many papers/tests. So we assumed she was doing good. I just checked and she has a D- in Math (she "lost" the tests that she did bad on) and a F in writing (over 1 missing assign.) She had a book report due today which she insisted wasnt due till the 9th.I told her to check with her teacher she forgot to and called a friend last week and tells me her friend said the 9th (she was upstairs talking to her friend or not) I still told her to double check with the teacher Thursday to make sure cause i still believed it was the 6th (she lost the sheet after I told her to keep it in her folder) so now the teacher told her today she wont give more time to do it. Which is understandable since they got the packet of info. about 2months ago. What should I do? she leaves to go to her moms in a week and a half (my punishment for her when shes doing bad is extra worksheets/workbooks till grades are up but school ends on the 11th) im so mad/dissapointed

Answer Question

Asked by tomsjennabean at 10:50 PM on Jun. 6, 2011 in General Parenting

Level 11 (561 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • If it were my child I would take away phone/computer/tv ect. What does her dad say? Can he talk to her mother and get on the same page about punishment since her grades are so bad?

    Answer by ILoveCade at 10:54 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • Her dad is a lot more leient (spelling) then me. I always feel like the bad guy. I just want her to do good and try. She is grounded from the phone but for a diff. reason. Im sure DH will be pissed and talk to her tomorrow after school about it. Her mother is not always there and she stays with her great grandma durning the summer (which we are trying to change) basically her mom doesnt care. She pisses me off too. I dont know what to do anymore. I prasie her when she does good...I give simple punishments (worksheets more for practice) I try to do things with her....I give rewards...I talk/listen to her....Im always home before school and afterschool for her. But i guess its not good enough I dont know what im doing wrong but i feel like crap and im sick of it. Im ready to just step back and let DH deal with her.

    Comment by tomsjennabean (original poster) at 11:03 PM on Jun. 6, 2011

  • It sounds like the teachers not updating very regularly & also not contacting parents about failing grades/missing assignments is a big factor here, assuming the online posting is supposed to keep you up to date. (Since you were only seeing passing grades posted for awhile.)
    So it sounds like the natural consequence of this situation is that she gets the grades she gets. I'm assuming these failing grades are for a portion of the semester, like a 6- or 8-week period, not a failing grade for the subject/semester? So it's not like she's going to be held back a grade? (That would also be a natural consequence.)
    I don't know that you need to do anything more (I'm assuming your goal would be to make her do better, or at this point with the year over to make her feel bad/regret her actions, decide to do better, & keep her from "just getting away with" it?) You want her to do well; that is valid. I'm not sure that a dynamic of control

    Answer by girlwithC at 11:59 PM on Jun. 10, 2011

  • (cont)
    will help with that, though.
    I do think a child's personal responsibility or self-responsibility where schoolwork is concerned is something that can develop but not if parents assume responsibility that really belongs to the child. It's not about giving up (passive resignation) and washing your hands of the issue, but more about assuming active personal responsibility (for yourself) by deliberately allowing children to take responsibility for homework. Taking the control & struggle out of the equation, explicitly & consciously, gives room for the negative conflict (power struggles over homework, over grades) to cease.
    It sounds like you are at a loss, feeling helpless. I think you being there, talking & listening, connecting, and caring IS good enough! From my perspective, you can take yourself seriously (represent yourself) as well as taking her seriously, which means you "represent yourself" by sharing your feelings

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:18 AM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • (cont)
    honestly, but as "cleanly" as possible. By cleanly, you minimize the emotional baggage by sending "I messages" not "You messages," speaking very personally (not globally.) Sharing personal authentic reactions & concerns NOT to have an airtight convincing case, or to guilt or blame her (prove you are right, etc.), but to appeal to her on the basis of the concerns you have. "When you fail because you didn't complete assignments or didn't prepare well for tests, I worry that...." or "I feel afraid because....." It's not airtight infallible Truth, it's your personal belief & fear (or whatever it is.) You want the best for her and X is important to you because you believe......
    These are the kinds of appeals we can make to kids that are very different than messages of what they "should" be doing or "must" do, along with punishments or imposed consequences to enforce them.
    Guilt, punishment, chiding, praising, rewarding,

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:26 AM on Jun. 11, 2011

  • (cont)
    restricting, removing privileges, imposing consequences: they all are about control because they're all attempts to influence behavior: either to get certain desirable behaviors repeated, or to discourage other undesirable behaviors. But control inspires resistance, or counter-control. It becomes a vicious cycle, and erodes relationship (turns everything into "doing to" & the person is an object who is "done to.")
    I think it's very unlikely (especially if parents have assumed responsibility for homework/school for some time) for the transition to be easy, quick, or smooth. It's hard to relinquish control & it's hard for children used to a pattern of reacting (rather than acting) to assume self-responsibility rather than defaulting to various types/degrees of defiance. But I believe it can happen, and this is what I thought of when I read your question the other day.
    A letting go, not out of frustration but on principle.

    Answer by girlwithC at 12:40 AM on Jun. 11, 2011

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