Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

4 Bumps

I'm thinking about wrighting a letter to my birth mom. What should I say?

I found some information a couple of years ago on who I believe to be my birth mother. I've been debating for a long time if I should try to contact her. If I write her a letter what should I say or not say? Are there any guidelines? If anyone has written or recieved a letter like this what did it say?

Answer Question
 
FroggyFeet

Asked by FroggyFeet at 8:12 AM on Jun. 7, 2011 in Adoption

Level 16 (2,353 Credits)
Answers (19)
  • While I have not written a letter like this, I would imagine starting w/ a little intro about yourself & your life. Tell her you would like to meet w/ her & provide your phone #, & email. Or you could have a similar "script" w/ you if you decide to call her instead of writing. I wish you the best of luck on this new journey in your life! :)
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 8:34 AM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • start writing down ideas and go over and over to make sure you say what you really want. I would want to say thank you for the gift of life, for being unselfish and thinking of my needs first, and I would want to say what a good life I have had (if that is the case). I would ask if she ever wants to meet ......IF that is something you want. The only guidelines are to say what is in your heart. Make sure this is something you really want and be prepared for the possibilities of not getting a response and/or her not wanting to meet. Think of all scenarios and be prepared for anything. I wish you all the best.
    whitepeppers

    Answer by whitepeppers at 8:38 AM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • Did she pick your parents? I think I would send general info at first to make sure you have your bio mom and then take it from there,Robin
    RobinChristine

    Answer by RobinChristine at 8:56 AM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • It was a closed adoption. The only information about my bio mom and dad I have is a basic description that could be anyone.
    FroggyFeet

    Comment by FroggyFeet (original poster) at 9:49 AM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • Froggyfeet, this is something that is so personal to the individual, as you very well know...however, congrats on deciding to do this;) I know for myself, it was of the utmost importance to know my twin sons were safe, healthy and happy, along with knowing they had a wonderful life. I needed/wanted to know about what was going on in their lives, and that they loved their parents. These were all things I NEEDED to hear;) K,(one of my twins) allowed me the honor to know he had thought of me often while growing up and that he holds no grudges, and is not angry/bitter, so this was amazing to finally know. Short , honest and sweet is best, IMHO:) You will KNOW, when you start writning. If you have children, married, and maybe a bit about your life:) It is overwhelming to get that first response, I cried with so much happiness, pride, and sadness all wrapped in one. Go to BirthMoms group, they will give some great advice,CJ
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 10:01 AM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • I used this webpage 15 years ago to help me script a first letter to my mother. http://72.41.66.23/page16.htm
    in case the link doesnt work- go to bmom.net.....links are on the left side of the page. click on "first contact" to find Curry Wolfes Search Series, How to make Contact The first time




    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 10:25 AM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • I would work through the adoption agency or county of adoption. My 4 kids (not siblings ) were adopted 2 open 2 closed. With the closed adoptions one of the kids kept in contact through our agency.The other was no contact until she was of age. I am sure if you ask they would mediate and see if both parties were ok with the contact. Just as a sidenote- our son is still in contact with his birth family and they have visited back and forth, our daughter refuses to have contact after meeting her brother and mother.
    higherboundmom

    Answer by higherboundmom at 10:32 AM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • it sounds like froggy has enough info to have found on her own, without help from the agency or courts.
    as someone whos used the intermediary system .......I would NOT suggest it as being the ONLY way to make contact with her family.
    PLEASE read: http://www.bastards.org/activism/theinter.html
    before a paid stranger (possibly jeopardizes your contact).
    adopteeme

    Answer by adopteeme at 11:21 AM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • bump

    sherribeare

    Answer by sherribeare at 12:50 PM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • 1. If at all possible keep the adoption agency the hell away from your reunion.
    2. Do not thank her for not aborting you.
    3. Do not tell her she did the right thing.
    4. Do tell her briefly about yourself. Don't give her everything at once especially if you're not even sure she's your birth mother. You want her to respond so if you give her everything she may feel no need to.
    5. Send her a photo of you and your kids. Leave your aparents out of the photos at this stage.
    6. Don't ask for a face to face at first contact. Give her your email, address, phone number and let her decide how she's comfortable. It may take a while before she's ready to see you.
    7. Have no expectations. She may greet you with open arms or she may slam the door in your face.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:06 PM on Jun. 7, 2011

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.