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Just wondering...

Question.. If U "Come clean" to ur mate about anything that u lied about, or was not forth coming with all the deets on the situation, is it fair for ur mate, once they know the whole truth 2 continue to question u or demand u "show proof" if u haven't done anything else to warrant suspicion? & is the untrusted mate justified in their anger or hurt when this occurs? What are ur thoughts?


Asked by nenewilson at 2:54 PM on Jun. 7, 2011 in Relationships

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This question is closed.
Answers (6)
  • I think once your beak that trust they have every right to be suspicious and show proof. You should be groveling at their feet for forgiveness and do whatever they deem necessary to start trusting you again.

    Answer by Eisleysmommy27 at 2:58 PM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • I can only share my thoughts based solely on what you have shared.

    There is no way to show 100% solid unquestionable proof that you have shared everything and are no longer lying, after you have lied. One can demand proof all they want, however there is no way to show that proof to someone that has been betrayed/lied to. The question will continue until the person who has been lied to comes to terms with that fact, accepts that fact, and makes the active choice to move on from it. As long as they are in the mode of "prove to me that you are telling the truth now and no longer lying" they can not come to terms with the situation in a manner in which leads to acceptance and making the choice to move forward. The demands for proof that you are no longer lying is a defense mechanism. Wanting proof is a form of looking for reassurances that they won't get fooled again.

    I was the one demanding/needing proof many years ago.

    Answer by pixie_trix at 3:04 PM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • think of how u'd feel if they broke UR trust. i go crazy whenever he does anything wrong and lies to me, he's easier than i am. he may not be as bad, ut still pretty bad so i dunno.i guess so. it is fair. it depends on how open u guys are usually and how understanding u both are.

    Answer by fefe87 at 3:10 PM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • at 1st it would be hard to not suspect the person of still doing it. it takes time.

    Answer by mrsary at 3:26 PM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • See, a girlfriend and I were having this discussion and it got me to thinkin, how would I feel? if it were me who were betrayed or if it were me who did the betraying and I came to this conclusion. This is what I told her...

    I personally believe that if the person comes clean with all deets & dishonesty & they have nothing else to warrant suspicion, if the "forgiving" mate is still placing certain demands that warrant no justification ...after forgiveness has been given, then this is counter productive for the 2 involved in moving forward & therefore could cause resentment and anger to the spouse that has come clean. And cause them 2 feel as though maybe they should not have said anything in the 1st place. Proving as Lena said (a friend I was agreeig with) "Then true forgiveness has not accured.

    Comment by nenewilson (original poster) at 3:22 PM on Jun. 7, 2011

  • I agree forgiveness takes time. More time than any can predict, but @ the same time if u chose to forgive someone, it means just that. u have forgiven them. In essence u've given that person a do over, a fresh start. So ur actions should not contradict the very definition of what forgiveness means. Is this easy to do? No. But if you truly aren't ready to forgive someone, then maybe u shouldn't. If you do before u have truly come to terms with whatever they did to cause this, then more often than not it cause much more heartache, turmoil, & anger from both people involved. Thus making things even harder for the 2 involved to move forward together.

    Comment by nenewilson (original poster) at 3:44 PM on Jun. 7, 2011