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do you use the expression "the right thing"

This is not about adoption of a child removed from an abusive situation

When reading introductions of mothers who have recently placed, I almost always read how long ago she placed her baby for adoption. Then she says "...I know I did the right thing..."
I also hear aparents say that their child's natural mom 'did the right thing' to give up her baby. Makes parenting sound wrong?

The majority of natural mothers later in life come to believe just the opposite -- it was not the Best choice, that it was not Necessary, and some conclude that it was the WRONG or WORST choice of her life.

If the child is not in danger of harm, then adoption is not a matter of right or wrong. So, why do I hear "the right thing" over and over.

I think it promotes the very untrue stereotype that natural moms are monsters, druggies, criminals, and abusers.

Answer Question

Asked by JoesGirl at 5:24 PM on Dec. 10, 2008 in Adoption

Level 2 (12 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • I think maybe it has to do with a perception that in order to parent a certain level of financial security is necessary so if the birth mother is struggling she's told that the right thing to do is to give the baby to parents who are better off and can provide more for the baby or for young mothers to give the baby to older mothers.


    Answer by miriamz at 5:30 PM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • I don't think I have ever used that term in referrence to adoption. I have read it though. I agree and don't believe "the right thing" is the best phrase in the world but sometimes people have the best of meanings behind something that could just be said another way.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:32 PM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • What other term would you use? Our child's birthmom says she did 'the right thing' in placing her baby for adoption....what is she supposed to say...'I did the wrong thing?'

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:45 PM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • For me, personally and in my situation, I say...."I believe that given what information I had in front of me, and on the advice of the people who were in my life at that time, the decision that I made was one I felt I needed to make". I agree that the terms right and wrong often somehow transfer onto the wrong things - like right or wrong person.

    It hurts my birth daughter to hear me bluntly say, "I made the wrong decision" because while I honestly believe that the decision was un-necessary, it puts her in a heck of a position. What does my statement mean about the parents who raised her, was their parenting wrong? She agrees that there is a very real loss of the years we spent apart, but I would never put her in the situation to feel like she has to feel bad about the fact that her parents, parented her.

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 6:43 PM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • What I usually say (and mean) is: We did the best thing we knew to do at the time.

    Answer by lisa89j at 8:21 PM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • Similar to Lisa89J I usually say - Adoption was the "only" thing I knew to do at that time in my life.

    I will never know if it was right or wrong or even if was the best thing I could have done for my son. I just know it was the only thing I knew to do at that time in my life, given the information I was given, the pressure, the lack of support and wanting my child to be loved and give love...for me I knew no other option....

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 9:25 PM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • I knew instinctively the very night after I left the hospital (during the day) without my newborn, that I had just made the most hugest mistake of my life, back in 1964. But back in that day, in my state, once those surrender papers were signed, giving 'control' of my newborn over to said adoption agency, there was absolutely no turning back. Knowing what I know today and the adoption practices during my a 18 yr old unwed mother, there was no option, no choice, whatsoever. And my child's very young married adoptive parents, were very far from being financially secure. The only difference between them and me..the woman had MRS in front of her last name..I would come to find out late in life, the amother was only 21 yrs old and they would divorce while my child was still young. Amother would be a 'single' mom for sometime before her 2nd marriage. So much for financially secure and a stable household!

    Answer by LilLizaJane at 11:00 PM on Dec. 10, 2008

  • I say that SHE DID WHAT SHE thought was the right thing. I never say that Brysons birthmom did the right thing. Lots of people felt she could've atleast tried to parent. She had a job and a place of her own. She CHOSE not to and for her, it was the right thing.
    Take it up with her.

    Answer by babycakes254 at 7:11 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • anon, ours too. I at times told her that she could've parented if she is only basing on finances. It would be hard, yes, but not impossible. But she didn't want to parent. I guess I should call her today and inform her that she should be thinking she did the wrong thing.


    Answer by babycakes254 at 7:13 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

  • "The majority of natural mothers later in life come to believe just the opposite -- it was not the Best choice, that it was not Necessary, and some conclude that it was the WRONG or WORST choice of her life."

    So what do you suggest? Forcing mothers to take their kids home because you are tired of hearing that they have "done the right thing"? If its not coercion, then , I'm sorry, they (alot of them) are grown women. Sometimes in the real world, you do make decisions that you find out ultimately were wrong. Thats why you have to make the BEST decision possible, and in some cases the best decision for that person is placing. "MOST" of these women are aware that adoption is irreversible as well.

    Answer by babycakes254 at 7:18 AM on Dec. 11, 2008

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